Nov. 6, 2001
hopelessness and depression have settled over me like a thick blanket of fog lately. It seems like the harder I try to make sense of everything in my life, the harder it is to shake the depression. One by one, the people in my life I have loved and cared for have left me. The last person I have left in the world, is in danger of leaving me now. This person is someone I love more than life itself, and someone I rely on so very much for everything. Those who know me, know I'm not a deeply religious person. Although most of my time lately is spent in prayer. Hoping He will hear me, and forgive me for my long absence.
Like most people, my life is not what I'd hoped it would be growing up. I rarely complain, as I feel it serves no usefull purpose. But what I'd give right now, if only one of my prayers could be answered. Not my health, not finding someone to love, not even wealth and happiness. All I pray for is the health and happiness of the one person I am devoted to, and love with so much of my soul.
Nov. 26, 2001
Why is it just when you've given up hope, something happens, or someone comes along to make you think everything will work out after all. Just when you're basking in the glow of prayers answered, the rug gets pulled out from under you. Time and time again this has happened to me. Just when I begin to believe, or when I dare to hope, it all turns to shit. I'm not sure how many more times I can pull myself up by my boot straps and try to carry on as usual.
Yes I've heard the line "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". I've made so damn much lemonade over my lifetime, and to be honest, I'm sick of making it. Years and years ago, when I was first diagnosed with FMS & CFIDS I used to live in hope of recovery. Then I wised up and realized there is no recovery with these illnesses. Then there was my marriage. I lived in hope that someday things would work out, and he would begin to love me again. Again, my hopes were dashed.
I've always believed that everything in life happens for a reason. Other than building character, I haven't been able to understand why my failures at love, and failures with my health have occured. I guess the bottom line is this....I was meant to live out my life alone and unloved....and I was meant to suffer in the agony of FMS & CFIDS. Ain't life grand!
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