As Misty's World Turns - October 2000


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Oct. 3, 2000

Hello from rainy south Florida! The rain has been coming down in buckets all day here. A perfect day to curl up by the fireplace, or read a good book, or possibly watch a good video. Since I don't have a fireplace, or a decent book right now, I'm spending my day online, catching up on mail, etc. Now that my dreaded birthday has come and gone, (thank you God!), my mood seems to be much better. I guess it's those 10 year birthdays that are hard for me to handle. You know the ones....30...40...80! (lol)

Although my birthday wasn't what I'd hoped it would be, it was still better than last year. This is what I do, I play games with myself to keep looking on the bright side. I've found that by doing this, I don't get so terribly depressed. I just try to find something good in a situation and go from there. Last year I spent my birthday all alone. All my family had moved away, and I didn't know a soul. This year, although ALL of my family couldn't be here for my party, I still enjoed visiting with the ones who did make it.

My older brother and his family couldn't come this year, my brother had to work. I was so hoping to see the kids. Since I was never able to have children of my own, my nieces and nephews have always felt like my surrogate children. I try to spend every moment I can with them. Afterall, kids grow up so fast. Unfortunately, my brother and his family will be leaving Florida and moving back to Pa. This just tears my heart out. I know my chances of seeing the kids again will be very remote. I'm not able to travel the distance back to Pa., and I know with my brother's work schedule, they'll rarely come here.

I was so hoping that they would come to love Florida as much as I do, but I guess they didn't. It's a shame because I think the kids have really enjoyed living here. The last time the boys came to stay for a few days, the oldest boy said he liked living in Florida because he got to come visit my Mom and I. Getting the call that they were moving was like hearing that someone had died. I'm still trying to come to terms with this decision, but it hasn't been easy for me. I've already missed most of their childhood, now it looks like I'll miss the rest too. All I can hope is that when the kids get older and are out on their own they will come to live near me.

Oct. 19, 2000

Memories can be tricky things. Some memories bring back warm, happy thoughts and feelings of another time. Other memories only bring back the sadness and heartache of the past. Unfortunately we can't only remember the good times we've experienced, or at least I can't. I guess it's because there are so many unhappy memories that are blended together with my happy memories.

When I think back to my childhood, I'm assaulted again by the mix of good and bad memories. The good memories are the things like homemade cookies waiting for me in the kitchen when I got home from school, family vacations and picnics, Christmas' spent with my whole family. But along with those memories are the other half of the story (as Paul Harvey would say). Family vacations and picnics taken when my Dad was too ill to enjoy the experience. Christmas' spent in hospitals, trying to pretend everything was ok with my Dad.

Once I get started thinking about my dad the horrible memories come flooding back to me. Memories so terrible, that I know they will never leave me entirely. Watching my Dad lying in the emergency room, or lying in the coronary care unit, in pain, and dying. Being with him when he took his last breath, and watching the heart monitor go flat.

Then the memories of my Dad take me forward to the not so distant past. Meeting someone, falling in love, getting married. But just like the other memories, these too are bitter sweet. Feeling loved, understood, and cared for. Only to see those days rapidly come to an end. Seeing the love be replaced by indifference, the understanding melting away into oblivion. Being left with feelings of not being loved, not being understood, and not wanted.

Oct. 31, 2000

I remember as a little kid, thinking that Halloween was right up there with Christmas. I'd wait all year long for those two holidays to come. As soon as the leaves started to turn color, I would start planning what my Halloween costume would be. Thinking back on those times now, I can't even remember what any of my costumes were. But I do remember the nights spent wandering the streets of my little town in search of candy. To me, Halloween night was like a game, beat the clock. Try to see how many houses you could hit in the hours between 6-9pm.

As I got older, too old to dress up, I'd stay at home and hand out candy. This always seemed like a fun job to me. Looking at the kids and trying to figure out who they were under their masks and face paint. Once I started working, we never seemed to have kids come at Halloween anymore. I suppose alot of that was because we had moved out into the country. Most folks didn't want to send their kids out to wander the backroads in the dark.

When I first got married, we lived in an apartment over a drug store in the downtown of a small town. Since there were no homes nearby, we didn't get any trick-or-treaters. The next place we lived in was an apartment on campus of a university in N.Y. state. No trick-or-treaters there either. It wasn't until some years later that we lived in an area with children. That first year we bought several huge bags of candy. The fun of handing out candy got ruined by the complaints of my husband. He felt it was a huge waste of time and money to hand out candy to kids we didn't even know.

It wasn't until tonight, my first chance in years to enjoy Halloween, that I realized just what I have missed. There's nothing more heartwarming, than to see little kids all dressed up at your door, their eyes gleaming in anticipation, and their pillow case thrust out in front of you. The excitement they are feeling is so transparent that you can't but laugh and smile at them. Looking beyond the kids are the proud parents of these children. Their smiles and faces can't contain the love and pride they have in their child.

Tonight I saw Spiderman, Superman, Woody (from Toy Story), angels, princesses, ghools, hippies, bunnies, whitches, Blue from Blue's Clues, Teletubbies, business women and cheerleaders. The last 2 were teenagers who couldn't stand to be home on the funnest night of the year. My Mom and I had gotten two large bags of candy. Our first impulse was to buy the cheapest bags at the store. But once I noticed the candy inside those bags was "crap candy" (in my humble opinion), you know the stuff....suckers, smarties, etc. I suggested we get the good stuff (Hershey kisses & miniatures, and Reese's peanut butter cups). I never liked that "crap candy" as a kid. To me, if it wasn't chocolate, it WASN'T candy. Since we didn't know how many kids would actually show up, I wanted to be sure if there was leftover candy it was something I'd actually eat!

When the first batch of kids came to our door I decided I wasn't going to be stingy (like some of the people I remember from when I was trick-or-treating), so I gave out handfulls of candy. The kids thanked me (every single one tonight did), then they ran from the door yelling to everyone that "they are giving HANDFULLS of candy!" Another crowd that came to the door exclaimed to their parents, waiting on the driveway, that "they have CHOCOLATE!" I can't remember when I've had such a good time. Seeing the kids, the costumes, the happiness and the excitement on their faces was priceless. Even the pain of getting up and down and getting to and from the door was worth it to me. What would have made the evening perfect for me, would have been to have a child of my own, and to take them trick-or-treating.

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