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Turnee Versus...
Welcome to the page I
like to call "Turnee Versus". I like to call it that
because this is the place, the little secret place where I take on
histories greats, or not-so-greats, on my own terms... and we see if
they are as great as me.
Think of it, if you
will, a challenge... a challenge to those immortalized by time to prove
themselves to us, the living, why they deserve to be remembered thus.
I take on the famous
figures of the past in a contest as follows:
Straight Fist
Fight
This is not as opposed
to a gay one, just so as not to confuse you Sun readers out there.
It's simple, if it came down to a man on man slugging match, who would
win?
Drinking Contest
It is what it sounds
like. A Saturday afternoon... drink as much as you can. How
would win?
Bird pulling
potential
If it were possible,
would this long dead famous person pull more birds than me?
So here Goes... First
up is...
Jesus Christ
Whether he ever existed or not,
you just cant go anywhere without some blinkered idiot telling you he
definately did, and then backing that statement up wit ABSOLUTELY NO
FACT. Well, maybe they might mention the bible, but that book is
so full of shit... anyway... put up you dukes Christy-boy... its time
for a lesson in pain.
Straight
Fist Fight
Oh dear, son of god or
something he may be but I just kicked his fuckin' arse. Every time
I smashed him in the face he just 'turned the other cheek', so I hit him
with a flying roundhouse and that shut him up. He didn't look
quite so holy when he was twitching nervously on the floor in a pool of
his on piss, shit, blood and vomit.
Drinking Contest
Well, it was certainly
a cheap day, we just got loads of water and Christy-boy here turned it
into booze. Now that's fuckin' useful, I must say. Oh dear, but it
seems the son of god has no drinking form, and he was outside being sick
on himself quite quickly.
Bird pulling
potential
Being a Jew isn't a
problem anymore! But what's this? A virgin you say? Oh
dear.
Final Score
Turnee : 3 - Jesus : 0
Turnee wins!
You don't have to go to church anymore!
Hitler
Leader of the German
Nazi party and all round nutter... lets 'ave it! Resurrected here
for one final showdown... should we give a shit about you or not?
Straight Fist
Fight
Not bad, better than
christ anyway, but the dirty tricks that Turnee leant in his pub
fighting days has paied off again. A punch in the throat and a
kick in the nads (of which he has only one... am I right?) has put paid
to his challenge.
Drinking Contest
Woo. The blokes
raging. Erm... I slip away quietly. Explains a lot I
suppose.
Bird pulling
potential
Lets see, not the best
credentials really. "Hi, I'm Sarah, I'm an Estate
Agent", "Guten Tag, Ich bin Hitler, Ich burnen das ehren und
die jungen". (I burn women and children in made-up German crap)
Final Score
Turnee : 2 - Hitler : 1
Turnee wins!
Back to the grave with you you nutcase!
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