there i was, standing alone, groping in the darkness, a child half-starved for love, but unable to return it in any acceptable form. my family loved me but familial love can only go so far; there is a fundamental need for peer love. i eventually grew into my heart but a miniscule feeling of emptiness remained. and because i had been in the dark for so long, it became an integral part of my being.
i fell in love with the darkness but at the same time, i was deathly afraid. not of the dark but of what was in it. the darkness envelopped me and hid me, but is also hid other things i couldn't see or hear, or even begin to understand. it was like being in love with someone and simultaneously being terrified of their capability and potential for destruction. i learned to overcome the fear by diving deeper into its velvety folds.
that began the whole goth movement. it ran its course: i hated everyone (including myself) and most everything. instead of smiling at my reflection i began scowling. i even practiced sneering. ever since childhood i haven't been able to express any sort of positive emotion through my eyes, unlike my sister. however, i was very good at expressing hate and displeasure, and in the middle of my goth phase, i honed that ability, sharpening it into a million pointed daggers. i was vastly pleased because i earned both admiration, fear, or what i believed to be love (from the weak), and condescension or scorn (from the strong). it wasn't until i met someone equally hateful that i recognized the pathos of my situation.
true to the cliché, i headed towards the light and now i'm no better of than i was before.
