Failed Marketing Ploys I

I often wondered why it took Mars Candies so long to jump on the green M&M bandwagon; only now seeing the phenomenon show up as a one-liner in a Dennis Miller hosted ad. Does this important part of horny 'green lore' only deserve such a brief mentioning? If you are Mars and you are shelling out the big calhones to Miller, why not just let him go off on a couple of R-rated - 10 min. HBO spots highlighting the exact origin of the myth as well as an update on the current aphrodisiac powers of the little buggers. A little 90's Green M&M Bondage story can go a long way.

Speaking of green, exactly what part of the word 'Kick' did Coca-Cola not understand when it put zillions of dollars to the test for us to try and spit out Surge? It's one thing to exploit high-caffeine, high-sugar beverages to us Gen-X types, but to do it in a way that makes Mt. Dew ads look ridiculous embarrasses even the biggest dolt. (Dolt, not Jolt). Who in the hell would put any kind of food or beverage on a ledge and jump over a bunch of shit in order to be the first one to spill it all over the ground? Any way you look at it, Surge will go the way of Kick for one main reason: it tastes like flat Mellow Yellow mixed with Sweet Tarts. (yeah, I've tried that).

Excuse me for being uninformed for this next question, but what ever happened to Mellow Yellow? I know that RC-Cola (who owned Kick) was purchased by some 'Wall Street Types' in some Wall Street type acquisition, but what happened with the original citrus beverage? I know what you are thinking, and no, I didn't like it either, but there is something to be said about Mellow Yellow's nostalgia. Why couldn't Mellow Yellow show some appeal on the 'ironic' sense? Irony in the 90's must sell as least as well as Surge can. Hell, you could market the killer retro "Mellow Yellow" as "anything but Mellow". Get Alanis Morrisette as your spokeswomen for that one.

Look for future installments of "failed marketing ploys" in weeks to come.

Gotta go do the Dew,

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