GREENBUGS
(to the tune of "Greensleeves")
What bugs are these, that laid to rest
In an old tree trunk were snoring
Till they were woken by loggers who
EPA regulations were ignoring
CHORUS:
Green, green are the bugs that swarm
And come upon you in the dark of night
Flee, flee, as fast you can
And pray for the sun's first light.
These bright green skeeters are smart indeed
They suck your fluids and they don't stop
What they don't eat now they wrap to go
In webs, and hang in a treetop
[CHORUS]
No, Raid or Flit won't kill these critters
Who've stayed alive for a thousand years
So shut your windows and close your doors
And invest in a million bug zappers
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Back to Winnie's World
HELP ME DANA
(to the tune of "Help Me Rhonda")
(with apologies to the Beach Boys)
Well my sister disappeared when I was just twelve years old
I joined the FBI and then things started to unfold
Now Dana I know you're smart
And I knew I'd trust you from the start
So can you help me Dana
Help me find the truth in the Files
Now it's a dangerous job and I won't tell you differently
Help me Dana - yeah!
Find the truth in the Files
Remember how they tried to separate you and me
Oh Dana you light my way
And you see me through every day
So will you help me Dana
Help me find the truth in the Files
[CHORUS]
(Instrumental bridge)
(Electric guitar solo)
[CHORUS]
(Bass and electric guitar scatting)
(repeat CHORUS until summer comes or the neighbors
complain)
I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
(to the tune of "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General")
(sincere apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
Skinner:
I am the very model of a modern Assistant Director
Of admirable attitude and unbesmirched character
I pride myself on my hitherto unflappable temper
Except when I see the antics of Agent Fox Mulder
I put up with Fox Mulder 'cause he's got connections near the top
But often I wish he would give up, pull up stakes and let it drop
The doctor, Dana Scully, might debunk his theories, I thought,
But together they're the cause of the expansion of my bald spot.
Skinner:
Together they're the cause of the expansion of his bald spot
Together they're the cause of the expansion of his bald, bald spot...
I'm facing off against a Smoking Man who's courting cancer,
And held up in my tracks by a high-up superior officer,
Whom I beat up inside a low-cost-maintenance elevator,
And now I'm getting angry phone calls from a Higher Power.
Skinner:
Now he's getting angry phone calls from a Higher Power
Now he's getting angry phone calls from a Higher Power
My job was simply discipline and pushing around paper
Before the advent of the X-Files, and Scully and Mulder
Now I find that I must labor to maintain the thin veneer
of being the very model of a modern Assistant Director.
(Sorry for the bad word sync, but improving on perfection isn't easy.)
MULDER (1)
(to the tune of "Maria" from "The Sound of Music")
(with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)
He starts investigations others would prefer he'd not,
He makes the other agents think he's half a liter short,
He's apt to jump in headfirst even if the water's hot,
Fox Mulder brings confusion to the FBI;
He always finds a reason to go off the beaten track,
The Bureau regulation book is not in his bookrack,
His primary source of info is the tabloid paper stack,
Fox Mulder's not an asset to the FBI;
But one finds, upon a closer look -
Fox Mulder is not a kook.
CHORUS:
How do you understand a man like Mulder?
How do you teach a guy like him to duck?
How do you find a word that means Fox Mulder?
A paranoid? A genius? A schmuck?
Many a thing his nose does not belong in
Nevertheless he refuses to refrain
From refuting every lie,
And finding reasons why,
Things go on that cannot be explained,
Oh, how do you understand a man like Mulder?
How do you keep a mind like his contained?
When one's with him one's bemused,
Out of focus and confused,
And one never knows exactly where one stands;
Only one can match his fervor
Dana Scully, medical doctor,
She's the only one who really understands;
Others think he's slightly loony,
Whispering that he's cartoony,
In his neverending search for UFOs;
He will challenge any comer
With a Mulderistic zinger,
He's a maniac,
He's eccentric,
He's a man!
[CHORUS]
MULDER (2)
(to the tune of "My Girl")
(with apologies to The Temptations)
(Dum! Dum dum dum dum dum <4X>)
I've seen E.T.
Frozen stiff and cold
There was one time
I got really old
What would you say?
Who could make me feel this way?
Mulder! Mulder...
Talkin' 'bout Mulder...(Mulder!)
I'm an M.D.
with a Physics background
I'm not used to seeing
Werewolves running 'round
Then I met him
He showed me things aren't what they seem
Mulder! Mulder...
Talkin' 'bout Mulder...(Mulder!)
(Dum! Dum dum dum dum dum [repeat till you want to hit yourself
with a brick to make yourself stop])
MY FAVORITE THINGS
(to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music")
(with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)
Strange lights that hover above air force bases,
Lake Okobogee and other strange places,
Psychic phenomena, strange happenings,
These are a few of my favorite things!
UFOs, mutants, and extraterrestrials,
Frozen ETs kept in nitrogen vessels,
Green glowing bugs that live in old tree rings,
These are a few of my favorite things!
In the cases
That I work on
In the FBI,
I see signs of all of my favorite things
And Scully protests, "Oh my!"
SEND IN THE CLONES
(with apologies to Barbra Streisand)
Isn't it sweet
Aren't they a pair
Looking so pretty and neat
But watch your rear
Send in the clones
Though they both live
Miles apart
They could be twins, you know,
Guess what! They are!
Send in the clones
Here come the clones
Could it be true?
The Cold War was done
Scientific closets are opening up to the sun
Genetic experiments that went awry and wrong
Hidden away, but not for long...
You'd better believe!
The boys were called Adam
And the girls were called Eve
Send in the clones,
There ought to be clones,
famous last words...
THE LONE GUNMAN SHANTY
(to the tune of "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island")
(with apologies to Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyle)
Now sit right down and I'll sing a song
Of a certain magazine
The Lone Gunman it's called and it's
A three-man scene
(A three-man scene)
The guys who write it make full use
Of the Freedom of Info Act
They get away with what they say
'Cos they're First Amendment-backed
(First Amendment-backed)
These guys are sworn to keep an eye
On governmental rule;
They are convinced there is a spy
Or two in every school.
(or two in every school)
There's Langly, the hacker dude
And Byers, with the beard
Frohike who's the camera-crazy nerd
That's the Lone Gunman herd!
THREE SNEAKY LONE GUNMEN
(to the tune of "Three Little Maids From School Are We")
(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen are we,
Paranoid as we can be,
Looking at the world suspiciously-ee,
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen!
Everything is a conspiracy
[dink dinky dink dinky dinky dinky dink]
Black Ops are behind every tree
[dink dinky dink dinky dinky dinky dink]
Are we who we appear to be
[dink dinky dink dinky dinky dinky dink - DUM!]
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen!
(tum-tee-tee-tum-tee-tee-tiddly-pom!)
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen who mock
the bureaucrats they hope to rock,
The three will attempt to pick any lock,
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen,
Three sneaky Lone - Gunmen!
One Gunman's name is Frohike
Another Gunman nombre Langley
Byers makes the Gunmen three,
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen
(Dum dum dee dum dum DUM)
From three Lone Gunman take one away
Two Lone Gunmen remain at bay
Won't have to wait very long they say
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen!
Three sneaky Lone Gunmen who carry
scorn for all things military,
Three who defy federal machinery
Our three sneaky Lone Gunmen...
Three sneaky Lone...Gunmen!
THE X-FILES
(to the tune of the theme from "The Love Boat")
Love,
X-citing and new,
Go on-line,
It's X-pecting you,
Love,
With X-Philes you'll find,
When you Chat
With the folks on-line,
The X-Files,
Soon will be making another match,
The X-Files,
Making some real true-life romances hatch,
Where lonely X-Philes,
Like ships in the night,
Might collide,
The X-Files!!!
THE X-FILES DIVISION
(to the tune of Copacabana)
(With apologies to Barry Manilow)
His name is Mulder,
A Special Agent,
With a psychology degree
And a penchant for E.T.
Her name is Scully,
His partner-M.D.,
When Mulder gets the run-around
Scully helps him stand his ground
Their job is not a bore
They work from 8 to 4
They are smart and they have each other,
Who could ask for more?
CHORUS:
In the X-Files, X-Files Division,
The spookiest spot in Washington,
In the X-Files, X-Files division,
The Federal Bureau of Investigation
has the X-Files...
They dug too deep...(X-Files, X-Files Division...)
His name is Skinner,
The Assistant Director,
Though Mulder drives him up the wall
He just takes more Tylenol
But in the background
A Cancer Man lurks
He hides the evidence away
And he leads our pair astray
The Smoking Man did scheme
To separate the team
He engineered Scully's abduction
She went who knows where
[CHORUS]
Mulder lost sleep...(X-Files, X-Files Division...)
His name is Mulder,
Her name is Scully,
Though they've been through a lot of pain
They're back together once again
And now the X-Files
Have been reopened,
They're back to chasing UFOs
And stepping on VIPs' toes
They've looked for E.B.E.s
And met green glowing bees
They've faced down the Men in Black
But they're still in one piece
[CHORUS]
The Truth's Out There...
THE X-FILES PAIR
(to the tune of the theme from "The Brady Bunch")
Here's a story
Of a Doctor Scully
Who taught Autopsy 101 in Quantico
Then her bosses reassigned her
To work with a guy they thought loco
And here's a story
Of a man called Spooky
Well okay, Fox Mulder's his real name
But his yen for the paranormal
Has served to bring him dubious fame
So this lovely couple
Was brought together
For his ideas at first she did not care
But he convinced her to believe him
And that's how they became the X-Files pair!
The X-Files pair
The X-Files pair
And that's how they became the X-Files pair!
THE TWELVE DAYS OF X-MAS
On the first day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
A flukeworm in a specimen jar.
On the second day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Two EBEs
And a flukeworm in a specimen jar.
On the third day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Three green bugs...
On the fourth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Two EBEs
And a flukeworm in a specimen jar.
On the fifth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Five Liver Boys
Four UFOs
Three green bugs
Two EBEs
And a flukeworm in a specimen jar.
On the sixth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Six LED messages...
On the seventh day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Seven manitous...
On the eighth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Eight Firewalkers...
On the ninth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Nine Jersey Devils...
On the tenth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Ten Arctic worms...
On the eleventh day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Eleven Genderbenders...
On the twelfth day of Christmas Fox Mulder gave to me
Twelve Sleepless soldiers...
WE DIDN'T START THE X-FILES
(to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire")
(with apologies to Billy Joel)
Mutant killers, UFOs,
Faith-healing mystery kid,
Psychotelekinetic ghosts,
Fire-starting Brits;
Liquid-sucking green bugs,
Reincarnated dead thugs,
Psychic death row prisoners,
Pickled E.T.s;
Frozen Arctic alien worms
that make a guy's skin wanna squirm,
A janitor who got possessed
by a dead rocket scientist!
CHORUS:
We didn't start the X-Files
They were in the basement
Since Hoover was President
We didn't start the X-Files
We were bound to find'em
Though they tried to hide'em,
hide'em, hide'em, hide'em...
Liver-eatin' stretchy guy,
Alien signals from the sky,
Computers with A.I.,
Hungry manitou,
Beast women, kiddy clones,
Sex-changing hermit folk,
Deep Throat, did he croak?
Who's friend and who's foe?!
[CHORUS]
X-FILES FANS
(to the tune of Piano Man)
(with apologies to Billy Joel)
Dedicated to everyone who's ever done anything mentioned in
this filk
It's 8.59 on a Friday night,
As we gather our popcorn and cheese,
And we go around turning off every light,
And have teddy bears nearby to squeeze
Some of us watch with our families,
And some of us watch all alone
Nonetheless, we lock all the doors in the house
Not forgetting to unplug the phone
La la-la dee-dee da-a
La-la dee-dee-da-aa-a,
We turn on our TVs when the clock strikes nine
Give us a scare tonight
When we're all in the mood for a mystery,
X-Files got us feeling all right
And we curse Fox's NHL ad,
But our patience is rewarded when finally
The show starts and we cheer like mad
And sometimes we throw food at the TV screen,
When we see something that we don't like
Like our heroes behaving like five-year-olds,
On that bug-eaten overnight hike
La la-la dee-dee da-a
La-la dee-dee daa-aa-a,
While the credits roll, we release the breath
We didn't know we had held,
Then we rush to the phone or computer,
For an old-fashioned X-Phile mind-meld
[CHORUS]
X-FILES-A-NIACS
(to the tune of the Animaniacs theme song)
(with apologies to the geniuses who wrote the original)
We are the X-Files-A-niacs!
And we're spooked out to the max!
Friday nights are our climax,
No, we're not a bunch of quacks,
We're X-Files-A-niacs!
Come join Agent Fox Mulder
And Agent Dana Scully too,
The whole X-Files division
is made up of just these two,
Their office in the basement
Is a paranormal zoo,
And they go out
To look about
For F.O.s that are U.!
We're X-Files-A-niacs!
Mulder looks for werewolf tracks!
Scully tries to stick to facts,
They're afraid to turn their backs,
We're X-Files-A-niacs!
There's Cigarette Smoking Man
Who wants to rule the FBI,
Assistant Director Skinner
Views the X-Files with a sigh,
The enigmatic Deep Throat
Wouldn't let dead aliens lie,
The first one went
Too far, but sent
A new and strange ally!
We are X-Files-A-niacs!
We aren't the usual TV hacks,
We're spooked out to the max,
We don't want Tibetan yaks,
We're X-Files-crazy,
Totally insaney,
Mulderism-ainy,
X-Philes-A-niacs!
Those are the facts!
Comments and song suggestions for more filks to wlim@nimbus.ocis.temple.edu
A WinnieWorks Production