writeone...

{Nov. 22nd, 1998}

Ooog-ah. It's been a hellish week-and-a-half. Which is why I haven't updated in a while. But, I've got good reason.

See, my daughter had surgery on Friday. So, for the past week, I've been a stressed-out mess. I had a mini-nervous-breakdown last week Friday, which helped a great deal, but still... I spent most of the last week in a total state of tharn. (Which, for those of you who have never seen or read 'Watership Down', is the state of feeling like a deer, staring into oncoming headlights.)


     "What's it going to take
      until my baby's alright"
        ~~ Tori Amos, 'Pretty Good Year'

But surgery went well. She's pissed about being in the hospital, but, hey, that's to be expected. I mean, how would you feel about someone doing origami on your stomach, hey??? C'mon, cut the kid some slack. And so.

But yeah, she's doing well. They're hoping to have her home by Thanksgiving, so they've got four days to get my daughter back to me.

In other news:

Well, last night, a friend of mine was throwing a party. I had really mixed feelings about the whole thing- I wanted to go, but I also wanted to be at the hospital with my daughter. I was discussing this with the nurse that was taking care of her- which, interestingly enough, used to work at St. Joe's, the hospital that she was born at, and she remembered her from there. Since she had just started at Children's, my daughter was her only 'real' case for the night, so she had a lot of free time, and we talked about our time there. She had remembered Epiphany immediately, even without being told her name- "She's still got the same chin!!". Anyhoo, so I was sitting there, talking to her about this party, and she said, "Look, why don't you go? It's not like she's critical or anything, she's doing fine. Plus, being a single mom, I bet you don't get to get out much. (true) Plus, we've got your pager number, so, if anything should happen (god forbid) we'll have no problem getting a hold of you."

And since this made a lot of sense, I went.

I took along Duckie (who has been mentioned previously). The party was at my friend Blinky's place, and, lo and behold, it turns out that Blinky's roommate used to be friends with Duckie. Which was good for me, because, I have to admit, I had some qualms about dragging this poor guy along with me, to hang out with a bunch of my friends that he had never met before.

Of course, I shouldn't have been surprised. It's like, every time we get together, we should have "It's a Small World After All" playing in the background. Just weird little things like that happen all the time.

Anyhoo... it was great, and I did have a lot of fun. Most of the people there I hadn't seen since May, fer cryin' out loud, so it was really neat. Plus, Blinky mixed me a Brass Monkey, which I just HAD to try. ("brass monkey, that funky monkey...") I had never known anyone before who could mix it, but at least I knew how to drink it... "Put your left leg down, your right leg up, tilt your head back man, finish the cup". (and if you don't know the song from the Beastie Boys, you have got no clue what the hell I'm talking about.)

But that was it. I didn't want to get drunk, or even buzzed. (Yes! I want to be puking in the kitchen sink! Where do I sign up?) Which is something that I've always noticed about me... for my size and body-type, I've got an unusually high tolerance for alcohol. Which makes it kinda weird... I hadn't eaten anything all day, and then I have a drink, and... nothing. Which I suppose is a good thing.

But I was giddy. I was giddy when I walked in... remember, most of these people were dear friends of mine, and I always enjoy seeing them. Anyways... so yeah. I got to catch up with old friends, see what they've been up to, and all that fun stuff. But yeah... Mercury was there, with the Fabulous Lady K, Mij, Matter, Charles, ect. Oh, and, of course, Blinky was there. Because it was his birthday (he's the big 2-3 now... ooooh). And, if you've got no clue who these people are, I strongly urge you to check out the Biography page.

Well, I should probably get going... I need to do a little more updating on this site, and then I'm back off down to the hospital to see my sweet little girl... toodles.

{Nov. 29th, 1998}

Hey all ya'll... I'm home again.

An', I gotta tell ya... I'm soooo happy. I really really hate the keyboards that they have at school. They've got this itty-bitty backspace key, and I never hit it, I hit the key next to it, and it makes funny noises, and all that sorta stuff... And so.

Well. My past week has been very interesting, to say the least. I spent a lot (LOT!) of time with Duckie, which was just great. After classes on Tuesday, we went down to Milwaukee, where we hung out on the East Side for a while. The East Side of Milwaukee is an interesting place... it's where all the artsy-fartsy/dopers/college students live- housing is cheap, and there's lots of interesting stores and stuff. So, we went to a few different places, and we went and visited Ted (the Bellhop) who I have not seen since May. It was interesting... he's changed quite a little bit, but then again.. so have I. He's apparently on a quest to get rid of all his possessions- at least everything that he can't carry on his back, as he put it. So he gave me a whole shit-load of Dr. Seuss books & other assorted children's books for my daughter. He gave Duckie a trench coat, and a couple of sweaters. He's such a sweetie.

And on a side note, I picked up a new pair of boots while I was there. My old pair of Docs had served me well for five years, but were really beginning to really look beaten... So, I retired them while they were still in good enough condition to retire. My new pair is really nice... they're two holes higher, which means they're more of a pain in the ass to get off, but oh well. Also, they've got treads on the soles, while my old pair had been worn smooth, which is a real pain in the ass during winter... I've got to do this weird, shuffle-y penguin walk when the ground is icy. So, I got new boots too.

It was a weird couple of days... Besides seeing Ted (the Bellhop), I also hung out with Kelpie on Monday night, and spoke with Action Figure on the phone, both of whom I had not seen or talked to since Action Figure's going-away party. So, between the party last Saturday, and then Monday and Tuesday, I saw almost all of my old friends... it was neat.

Thanksgiving was plain odd... Epiphany came out of the hospital that day... I picked her up at noon, stopped home for a quick second to pick up some of her stuff, and then went to my uncle's house, which is where we have Thanksgiving every year. Two things happened... number one, I found out that my favorite Aunt has cancer. Which just weirds me out... I mean, c'mon, Cancer??? You've got to be fucking joking with me... as she put it, "I feel too good to have cancer." I mean, that bites.. that just fucking bites.

English seems at times to be a very limited language, at least as far as emotions go. My feelings on this are a kind of no-this-can't-possibly-be-for-real plus super-intense-fear plus a kind-of faint optimism plus this feeling that this is just totally surreal. And I wish there was just one simple word that wrapped up all those emotions into one neat little package, where I could just say, "This makes me feel ______." And all ya'll would know exactly how I felt. But I think the closest I can come is by saying: 'That bites the wax tadpole'.

In addition to this, at Thanksgiving, something amazing happened... (drum roll please!!!) My daughter began eating!!! Yes, I know, most of you prol'ly think, yeah, so, what's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that she's going to be Two (AUGH! she's going to be two!! How the hell did that happen so fast?) in Jan., and has not eaten anything by mouth since Aug of '97. She has a tube in her side that she gets fed through... but! Thanksgiving (what are the odds?) she ate a roll and a half, Cool Whip, and crackers... after I had finished the whole 'family-thing' I drove over to W.B. and picked up Duckie, and brought him back to my place, where we hung out & stuff... he watched her eat crackers, and he almost started crying, he was so happy. It's such an amazing thing... and she loves eating so much!!! She'll hold the food in both hands, and just stuff it into her mouth as fast as possible- there's times when I have to take the food away to her, to force her to swallow... otherwise, she just keeps putting more and more food in.

The following day she ate 1/4 of a Pop-Tart, crackers, potato chips, and all sorts of other fun stuff. She really has no interest in 'baby food'- she thinks that she's too much of a 'big girl' for that sort of baby stuff. so, I'm just giving her anything that I think might tempt her to eat...

Duckie. Now, there's someone I could go on for hours about. Give me half a chance, and I will. I don't know... this boy is just plain incredible. He's madly in love with my daughter, and all these strange little coincidences keep happening whenever we hang out together. We've just resigned ourselves to the fact that weird things will just keep happening, no matter what. I mean, just totally odd things... where he or I will mention a name, and the other one will go, "Wait, you know them?" Like what happened when we went to Blinky's party... I was worried that he wouldn't know anyone there besides me, and just have a lousy time, when he ended up knowing a couple of people there. Ya know? It's just so weird.

But, I'm going to stop myself... I need to get some stuff done yet, plus I need to get my daughter's feeding running, and I need to go to bed... {{{sigh}}}}

{Dec. 13th, 1998}

Hey! Where did all the time go??? It's almost Christmas!!! How the hell did that happen so fast? Finals are upon us, and it just seems like there's not enough time... I mean, I feel that way anyways, but even more so mow.

About my daughter- she's doing great!!! She still has some fear of being put in her crib, and I've got this feeling that the next time we walk into a doctor's office she's going to freak, but at least she's remembered how to smile & laugh. That was the thing that really bothered me when she first got home... she just sat there for the first few days, just staring at everything with this very blank expression on her face, freaking out every time I stepped out of the living room. But she's much better now... she laughs and plays games and flirts and drools on everyone... last night Duckie was over, and she was playing with his belly, and managed to drool right into his belly-button... {giggle}

Her eating's also doing well... she's eating so beautifully! She's learned to take *small* bites, although there are still times when she fills her mouth so full she has to drool some food out to swallow- but hey, that's a baby, right?

Been listening to a lot of Everclear lately... not sure why. It's just a phase I guess. It's kinda a boy-music type mood I'm in- Everclear, Beastie Boys, & Primus. If you can find the connection between all'a these, you're better than I am.

Oooh, I found my new favorite store the other day... Half Price Books. Lots & lots & lots of beautiful books for very very cheap... I picked up some books for Epiphany as well... See, ok, my mother's side of the family is very religious... they're very strong Christians. I, on the other hand, am not. I don't have any particular religious beliefs, but I am not Atheist. If anything I am Agnostic- I believe that there is probably *something*, I'm just not sure of what. Because of this, I ran into a small dilemma with my daughter... what do I teach her?? I know that she's going to be getting a lot of Christian-based teachings from my mother's side of the family, but since I'm not a believer in that, how do I broaden her mind without saying, "Hey, they're all wrong"? The best way, I decided, was to introduce her to other religions at a young age... last spring I picked up a book "One World, Many Religions" that did a rather brief (and easy to understand) summary of the world's seven major religions. I've been looking all over for children's books from other religions- I mean, children's Christian books are easy to find, but the others sure aren't!! When I was at Half Price Books though, I found a children's book on the life of Siddhartha (Buddha) and several Jewish stories for kids, one for Hanukkah, one for Rosh Hashanah, and one for Passover. These kind of books are so difficult to find, I was dancing about the store when I found them.

uh-oh... whoops, I gotta go, alright?? I've overspent my time on the computer, & I've got to get back to studying for my Biology final... {{{sigh}}}

{Sept. 10th, 1999}

Woah! What a long time it's been since I've updated!!! Well, to be quite honest, it's not entirely my fault... well, to some degree, of course, it is, but I've just been sooooo incredibly busy... to sum up: I got married.

That just about covers it, doesn't it??? :)

And, to tell the truth, I LOVE being married. It's great. I'm so glad I've done it. I don't think I've ever been happier. Not that there's *security*- because if there's anything I've learned in this life, it's that *nothing* is secure. It's not that he completes me, or any other such bullshit. That's a load of happy crappy nonsense. If you're not complete as a person, you shouldn't even be in a relationship, much less be getting married. No, as opposed to that, he complements me. I don't need him, rather, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Oh, I bet you're wondering who this dapper fellow is, right? You can check out my cutie on the Bio's page. He's way down by the bottom... See Duckie? Well, now I'm Mrs. Duckie.

Anyhoo, I should prol'ly get going... it's almost time for the Simpsons.

More next time...

{Oct. 12th, 1999}

Hello All. Well... hmm, let's see. It's been interesting lately... This past weekend I spent the weekend in Madison for the Student Government Association- no, I'm not a part of it, but they were having a meeting where they invited the Chancellor of the UW system to come in and talk about this current fiasco with Financial Aid... as in, like, why nobody's gotten it yet. So, did we get an answer, a response, anything? Well, that depends on your definition of political double-speak bullshit. (And just in case anybody is under the misinformed notion that we actually expected anything else, no we didn't, sadly enough.) But basicly reinforced my notion that politics is just a buch of bullshit for people who really don't want to work for a living.

But there were advantages to the weekend... I went with several people: Duckie (my husband), Maureen (my husband's ex-girlfriend) , JayGee (a boy of our acquaintance), and Sunny (a friend). As the five of us were put into a hotel room together, we spent the entire night yapping away- all except JayGee, that is, who passed out. It was a pretty neat night... it's very rare for me to get along with girls at all, and to suddenly bond with two girls at once was just unheard of for me... But hey, we became the Musketeers. Yeah! Not that this really makes a whole lot of sense, but it seemed pretty natural at the time as we were emotionally stressed from the meeting and had had WAY too much coffee, and had been up for entirely too long.

But no, really. We just had a really long & intense discussion about what it meant to be a female in today's society, and attempting to discern where the stereotypical 'woman' comes from... this Barbie-doll image of girls that is just completely unrealistic. It seems so omnipresent, like it's always been there. It's somewhat of a cop-out to just blame the boys for it ("It's all your fault that we have an unrealistic body image to look up to! You suck!"), but none of us can really recall any special turning point where we said, "Oh, so that's how we're supposed to look...", y'know?