there was a time when my parents and i were discussing what would have happened had my mother, who almost married roy brown hale, did marry him.

"i would have been different," i suggested. "i would have had a different last name, for one thing, and i would have perhaps looked different."

but my parents disagreed.

"you wouldn't have existed at all," they said to my falling eight-year-old face.

"someone else would have existed."

"but i would have been that someone else, mommy."

"no, dear, you simply would not be here at all."

i could not conceive of it.

"what would have happened to me?"

"we don't know, dear."

they didn't know, but they also were confused that they didn't know. i would have apparently been unborn. nothing.