08-26-95

Here we all live in a state of ambitious poverty

Juvenal, 47-138 A.D.

08-26-95

I am 40 years old
I am fat
I am cold
I am profoundly alone
I am lazy
I have no home
I am driving, driving
I have a goal
I want to be living!!

I am 40 years old.

I feel like if I drive another inch I’ll collapse into dust. The wheels and doors will fall off the car.
I just want to go up, up, up. But I must climb there.
I’m here in this house of you’re-not-wanted crying on my 40th birthday. Andy’s not here because Lifer can’t stand him, Bekah’s not here because she can’t stand me, Rory sleeps and I’m $79 overdrawn and broke.

But there’s nothing for it but to go on. Things don’t just stop. My redemption’s right around the corner. I maybe won’t have to stay at this place that leaves me heavy and sad and feeling rotten.

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