Half-truths. That's what Ken says about my diary. Apparently it doesn't agree with the "Gospel According to Ken". Let me remind you what the bulk of this gospel is: I am a backstabbing bitch, and everything bad that's happened in the past 8-9 months has been all my fault. No-one else's, just mine. I'm egotistical, I'll admit, but I really cannot take the credit for the total ruination of his life. After all, he just had to fight a little. Not give up so easily, and he could still have the band and his place in the ‘zine. Just not me. And as he said in an e-mail to Dirk, I'm just a girl, and I'm not worth the hassle.
You know what? I'm going to send him his stuff, just so I don't have to hear him complain anymore. Maybe he'll leave me alone. I've already blocked him from my hotmail and aol e-mail account. All I have to do now is block him from my work account and block his IM's. Patrick taught me how to do that last night.
Norfolk was.....miserable, for the most part. I was lonely, it rained the whole time, I couldn't eat, and my mother was bitchy. As usual. I talked to Dirk on the phone every night, and those conversations were the highlight of my day. I got mad at him at one point because he went out with Katie, but I got over it rather quickly. It's not in my nature to trust people. Not anymore. I went to a couple thrift stores, got a great Army shirt, but that's the sum of it, honestly.
When I got back, there were more than a couple surprises (I hate surprises). One was that I found out Dirk lied to me. I'd requested that he not IM Ken while I was gone, out of respect for my feelings, if nothing else. He agreed, and when I asked him about it Sunday night, he swore up and down that he'd not IM'ed Ken the entire time he was on my computer. Hahahahahaha. I get this odd feeling in my gut whenever Dirk lies to me, call it a sixth sense if you like, and I've learned to trust that feeling. Dirk did mention that Ken sent him an utterly pathetic e-mail, and told me what was in it. When I told him (jokingly) that I didn't believe him about the content, Dirk invited me to read it for myself on his e-mail account once I returned home.
So, I got home, read the e-mail, and was completely offended to see the way Ken had written about me, while brazenly trying to win over Dirk's loyalty (he was feeding him the bullshit about friendship and artistic partnership again). However, I noticed something: the e-mail was from Friday, and Ken said they'd chatted earlier that day. Probably just after I'd left. Well, that was irritating, but I hadn't really told him not to IM Ken until 8:00 that night. Conceivably, Dirk could have IM'ed Ken before I called him. That made me curious, though, and I decided to sniff around Dirk's e-mail account (scream at me for invasion of privacy later, I found out important stuff). He'd deleted his response to Ken's e-mail, but it was still in the Trash Can (someone should tell him that deleted items sit there for 24 hours). In it, he not only did not really stick up for me (although he did ask Ken to quit attacking me), he told Ken he wanted him back as lead singer for GSFU. Over my fucking dead body.
At this point, I was enraged, and fired off an e-mail to Ken, telling him how I felt, and the likelihood of him ever working with Dirk again, if I had any say in the matter. I also laughed at the idea that he had anything to forgive me for (can you imagine the gall? He actually said in the e-mail to Dirk that he might forgive me someday.). I topped it all off by telling him I never wanted to hear from him again and if he called my house I would just block his number.
Anyway, Ken IM'ed me (I didn't know how to block his IM's yet) and eventually told me that Dirk had been talking to him online all week-end. That depressed me, a lot. I'd suspected that Dirk lied to me, but really....was that necessary? Did I have to have it proven to me? I was so depressed I forgot to be rude and snide to Ken, and even agreed to send him his stuff back and confess everything I'd ever lied about to him. Forget the confession. If he's going to call my diary half-truths, then I misdoubt he'd believe my confession anyway. And I just don't feel like it. I'm not depressed anymore.
So, I waited until 7:10 for Dirk, and went over to his house when he still hadn't showed. He was still asleep; unsurprising since he'd only gone to bed at 11:30 that morning. I woke him up and said (remember: I'm not nice when I'm angry) "You lied to me. You told me that you hadn't talked online with Ken all week-end, but you did." He denied it, of course, but when I gave him that look that meant I wouldn't be convinced otherwise, he fell silent. And stayed that way until I pulled into Best Buy and asked him if he was angry with me for some reason. All he said when I asked him that was, "What proof do you have that I talked to Ken online?"
As gently as possible, I told him that aol keeps a log of everything you do online, and I'd checked that log and discovered that he'd been IM'ing Ken all week-end. (True. I couldn't find out what they talked about, but I could see that he'd IM'ed Ken an awful lot). Dirk finally admitted it was true, he'd gone against my wishes, then lied to me. Then, Dirk decided not to say anything. After trying this tactic out for a while, he tried to turn the blame on me, saying that it had been because he was lonely while I was gone, and I'd forced him to watch my house and feed my cats (bullshit), and anyway, I was being a hypocrite. I'd lied to him before, and had admitted to it (I have this regrettable tendency to make up facts when I know I'm going to lose an argument). I guess this made it okay to lie to me about talking to my ex. The ex who "verbally" attacked me.Because I don't feel like dragging out the details of the argument that insued, let me just highlight a few things: at one point, I was telling him as meanly as possible that since he was so convinced of the fact that he'd done nothing wrong, maybe he should get out of my car and go home. I was obviously the one who was fucked-up, not him, and I had no right to be hurt that he'd lied to me. After all, I was being a hypocrite, wasn't I? His response was to start yelling "Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!"
Anyway, we got calmed down a little bit, went to Sheetz to get ciggies for me, and I bought him some Reese's Pieces. We parked someplace, I'd started crying, and Dirk started trying to comfort me, finally apologizing for what happened. I wasn't having any of it, completely lost it, told him he was plotting against me and was trying to undermine my self-esteem. Dirk decided that I was cute when I was psycho and started being really nice to me.
He also tried to explain that he'd reacted that way because it was hard for him to admit he was wrong. Everything was pretty much okay after that, although I persisted in my theory that he was plotting against me. We agreed to meet at 7:00 tomorrow night, because Dirk has another prospective place to look at.
I almost forgot....the stupid "Sun-In" stuff is finally working. My hair is pretty now. I'm impressed. We also saw the Navy Ships while I was in Norfolk....really impressive. I almost want to join the Navy just to ride on one of those suckers. They also had a floating dry dock, to do repair work on one of their subs. It was odd, seeing a Navy Sub out of the water. Stranger still was listening to my parents exclaiming over various ships they recognized from their days in the Navy, about 15 years ago. Did you know nuclear powered ships are not allowed to dock in Australia and a couple other countries?
I bought Dirk a souvenier in Virginia Beach, which is about 30 minutes away from Norfolk. It was a floating candle setup, with sand and seashells at the bottom of this container...you added water and floated your little candle (provided in the package). It was one of the less tacky items offered up for the public's consumption.
And, I unexpectedly got an e-mail from C-- while I was out. He basically said that he could give a fuck about everything, "But at least I am free". I don't know what to make of that. He could be implying that I am not. I got him a souvenier, too, though not one as nice as Dirk's. I don't know why I did.....