It's scary how fragile relationships are when you really look at them. It's so easy for people to decide it isn't working, for whatever reason, and break up.
The scariest thing is the fact that you can't be in the other person's mind. For all you know, they're in the process of deciding all those really cute things you do that they loved have become irritating. For all you know, like a slow gas leak, their heart is deadening to you. Everything could be great in your eyes, with few to no problems, while they're trying to figure out a good way to break the bad news to you.
Even while they kiss you, hold you tight, and tell you how much you mean to them.
People are just shitty that way.
Dirk and I are fine, by the way. Thanks for asking.
I guess I've just been making myself paranoid reading about all these breakups. I don't know what I'd do if Dirk broke up with me. I wouldn't just be losing a boyfriend, I'd be losing a way of life. I'd be losing naps with someone's arm around me, and laughing at Dirk while he makes enraged duck noises in time with whatever song is playing on the stereo. I'd lose the knowledge that there's someone out there who loves me and all my defects, who doesn't have any urge to make me into someone else. I would lose that bond of kinship, understanding, that I've never had with anyone else.
Most of all, I'd lose faith in myself and my judgement. After all, how could I think I have something like that with him if he dumps me? It would obviously have been a delusion on my part.
I don't even want to think about what it would do to the band.
Thinking about stuff like that makes me want to rush out and do good things for him. I get this urge to show him that I'm okay, I'm a good person, I don't just think of myself. Lately I've been holding him tight, just because.
Last night was awful for me. It was cold and wet when I stepped out of the building after work and colder when I emerged from the Metro at the Pentagon. I caught a ride in a BMW that deposited me across the street from where my car was parked. By that point, the wind was pushing the rain sideways and I got soaked everywhere the umbrella couldn't cover; which was almost all of my legs. Cold, wet and miserable, I called Dirk when I got home because I was feeling so lonely.
He was out with Jason.
I took off my sports jacket and threw it at Sasha in a single movement, I was so angry. When your work day consists of eleven and a half hours from the time you leave in the morning to the time you get home at night, it's easy to get bitter about your lack of free time. Add to this the preparations for the show and our financial woes, and you've got a load of stress that's hard to shoulder.
I was resentful of the fact that Dirk, with his job so close to home, had the time to hang out with his friends that I didn't. I dreaded knowing that when I went to pick him up, we wouldn't be doing anything even remotely fun or relaxing. Instead, we'd be running errands, either for the band or for school. I was giving some serious contemplation to drinking myself into a stupor when I got home from running said errands, and work be damned. I even had a nearly-full bottle of coconut-flavored rum ready for it.
Instead, I went to Dirk's at the appointed time and started bawling almost as soon as I saw him. It took him a long time to calm me down and coax me out of my utterly soaked shoes. We decided to take a long nap instead of going out.
Of course I slept so soundly that I woke up a full hour late after I was due home, but no-one commented. I'm feeling much better now.
