Like many others, I lifted this survey off Pamie's site. She lifted off someone else's site. It was too damn good to pass up.
1.Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look retarded and be a genius?
I’d rather look retarded and be a genius. I’ve already experienced gorgeous and it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m kidding. But really, an ugly smart person has the chance to get laid. There was that genius with some sort of health condition that left him looking like a retard who was also quadriplegic. Somebody married him.
2.If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?
Oh. My. God. They’d have to form a fucking line. I could never be satisfied with just one. To give you an example, the entire casts of 90210, Friends, Touched By An Angel and Family Matters would be on the top of my list.
3.If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?
That would be....damn near everyone on MTV. Form another line, folks. Aerosmith is exempt from this, as always.
4.If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?
My Mother. Or my Grandfather.
5.If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?
Oh, yuck. I’d have to go with my cousin Pia because a) I’d get some lesbo action, b) she’s the least skanky-looking of my cousins right now, and c) there’d be no chance of deformed children resulting
6.You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?
Spiders don’t last very long in my house. We have 7 cats.
7.Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast hand-o’-water transfer?
Okay, I’m not getting the fast hand-o-water transfer. Exactly how does it work? I’m a girl...girls have more involved cleaning-out processes than simply splashing some water down there and hoping the ‘gunk’ goes away. It involves a little (light) scrubbing, in addition to the lean. But I could just be defective.
8.David Blaine or David Copperfield?
Yuck, okay? Just yuck.
9.You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty underwear or no underwear?
No underwear. All of you women out there who answered that you’d wear dirty underwear are unhygienic. I don’t know how it is for guys, but girls’ underwear (especially if they’ve been getting laid) smells and has other gross stuff. That’s how you get nasty infections. (I’ll think that if I want to.)
10.Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and more odd-looking?
She was never pretty. She always reminded me of an alien.
11.Favorite cussword / phrase?
Favorite cussword: Fuck
Favorite phrase: “I hope you fucking die, you stupid fucking cock-sucker!”12.Letterman or Leno?
Blah
13.Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?
Aren’t they those people who don’t get medical attention because of their religion? That’s nuts. Completely, utterly, fucking nuts.
14.Siegfried or Roy?
I have no idea who they are.
15.What do you desire sexually that you’re too embarrassed to ever request?
Not getting eaten out. I mean, what girl doesn’t want her man to go down on her? That would be me. It’s supposed to be a sign of a great lover if he’s willing to go down on you until you’re throbbing with ecstasy. There’s so many other things we could do that I think are much more interesting & mutually beneficial.
16.Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?
The girl without horse lips in Wild Things.
17.Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher Robin?
The big red pantsless man in Cow & Chicken. My god, he isn’t just gay, he’s flaming.
18.You’re depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?
All of the above. Especially if the drinking includes going online and making an ass out of myself.
19.Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?
I liked The Lost Boys.
20.Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?
People who know the difference between the three have way too much free time.
21.Mary-Kate or Ashley?
Kill them both.
22.Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because you’re scared of people, or because people are scared of you?
I get paid to sit in front of a computer. It has internet access and my job sucks. People are scared of me because I look unfriendly and I say fucked-up shit without meaning to. I’m not much fond of them either.
23.What do you sing instead of "pompatus of love" in Steve Miller’s "The Joker"?
I don’t know if I know this song...but I think I just make a mouth noise.
24. This was a stupid question, so I’m substituting my own. Which animal would you prefer to shave, a dog or a cat?
Cats look more interesting when you shave them, but you’d have to duct-tape all their legs together to make sure they didn’t claw your face off. Besides, cats are really good about remembering bad things you did to them and they’re likely to exact vengeance. Dogs are much more accepting of horrid things being done to them.
25.It’s 4pm, your husband calls from work to say he’s bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?
Hahaha...That would never happen. Dirk’s not that stupid. Otherwise, I’d make that famous Filipino dish that’s a pudding made out of pig’s blood. I’d wait until his boss had eaten it, and then I’d tell him what it was. I could also puree some bugs and put them in various innocuous-looking dishes. Cricket souffle? I think so.
26.Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?
Yes.
27.Your ass or your elbow?
My ass.
28.Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?
I hate the Wu-Tang Clan. I hope they die.
29.Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?
Is he as attractive as he was in the eighties? I need to know that before I can answer. I’m not saying he’s cute or anything.
30.Let’s just say you’re walking home drunk very late from a bar in Madison, Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by, searching all over the street for something, muttering about "not being able to pay rent". Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?
I’d give it back, even though I’m broke as hell. I certainly wouldn’t spend it in a titty bar. If I was going to keep it, I’d go to the local liquor store and buy my own stuff, then get Dirk liquored up and cajole him into doing a strip-tease. Hell, I could even rent a cheap hotel room and still have enough money to buy a lot of rum.
