I brought two oranges to work with me today, expecting to have the pleasure of eating them both, instead of my usual fare. I don't feel like eating anything right now. Even the Tic Tacs I bought are churning in my stomach uncomfortably.
I just read over what Dirk submitted for this issue of Über Alles. I cannot publish this. It's crass, pointless, and immature. I'm not opposed to the use of profanity, as evinced by this journal, but I do believe there is a cut-off point. When every other word is a "colorful metaphor", as Spock put it, it just sounds outright ignorant. In my humble opinion, of course. Unfortunately, we are at the 11th hour, and I simply do not seem to have a choice in the matter.
I just got off the phone with Dirk. He was unusually cold. I wonder what's up?
That's alright. I called him back, and he's sorry. I can't get him to understand why I don't like his article, though. I'm very good at expressing myself in writing. Out loud, well, let's just say I could use some help. The article will go in (grudgingly), but I shall have to make a concerted effort to express the level of maturity I expect from the writers on this staff.
But perhaps I shouldn't be so hasty to throw stones. After all, what are my articles, if not engaging tripe? I don't ever write about anything political, I usually just bitch about something. If I made a concerted effort to upgrade the maturity level in my articles, as well as the content, perhaps Dirk would feel obligated to do the same.
I think part of the reason I'm so bothered by this article is Ken's withering scorn at what I'm doing with the ‘zine now. He think's we've become fluff since he left, that we have nothing valid to say. In this issue, I'm hard pressed to find one thing that seems to be a true statement of any kind, save for Katie's article. Well, to be fair, Dirk's other article is a rally for to actually give a shit about the issues we address/bludgeon to death.
I shouldn't even care what Ken thinks of the way I run the ‘zine. I mean, he was always unprofessional, despite what he claimed. Imagine, he expected me to print a correction in my opening explaining that his anger at our new music writer was not that he'd been replaced so easily, but that Dirk had taken over yet another part of what used to be his life. Ken's pet bullshit theory is that Dirk is living "his" life, and doesn't deserve the "honor". If Ken hadn't ditched us, the only role he could truthfully say Dirk had taken from him would be the position of "Agent Skatter's Boyfriend."
But sometimes, I admit I feel a little guilty. The lines to a song keep running through my head, "We stole this riff, from Cobain's headless sack. He wants his money, he's coming back." I don't know how this relates to the situation with Ken, unless you replace the word riff with life.
Krisco's been unusually silent. I wonder if she died?
As a note of interest, I got an e-mail from Ian, my friend in South Africa. I forwarded a copy of Krisco's e-mail the day after I got it, and it took him this long to respond.
"I am going to give my opinion of Krisco's letter because I think that is
why you forwarded it to me. One of two things are happening here as I
see it. Krisco could be a good letter writer and living in a world of her
own where things are as she wants to see it. I don't know her so it is
difficult to make an opinion. She is not contradicting herself and if
I did not know the background, I would have said that she is talking
the truth and that Dirk is two-timing. I am sorry to say this, but
this is my honest opinion.
The other option is that Krisco has thought out the letter well and aims
to confuse you where Dirk is concerned. Agent Skatter, it is difficult for me
to give a view on the situation as I am not there. Tell me more about
Dirk as a person, good and bad points. Then I will be able to give a
more valued opinion."
Well, there wasn't much I could say to that, really. I've come to the conclusion already that it was most likely a combination of delusion on Krisco's part, as well as, perhaps, a clever ploy designed to upset me. For any of Krisco's claims to be true, Dirk would have to be a complete insensitive bastard. It just doesn't jive with what I know about him.
I'll have to give Ian a more detailed description of Dirk, then ask what he thinks. I do value his opinions, even if he's a little slow to respond to what I send him.