I don't look good when I'm crying. I don't sound good when I'm crying. I try not to do it very often. Trust me, this statement becomes relevant later in this story.
The day started out routinely. Dirk asked me to go over to his house at 9:30 this morning to wake him up if he hadn't come over already. I went over there, like a dutiful girlfriend, and woke him, only to have him ask me to come back after I'd dropped my cousin off at work. Fucking what? When did my position title change to chauffer? So, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was not going come back for him, and it would be a good idea for him to haul his ass out of bed posthaste.
His mother scares me. She'd crept up to the barely open door, and was peeking in. I know she got an eyeful, because I used intimate persuasion tactics to get Dirk out of bed. Promising him "forbidden delights never before imagined by man" usually does the trick. So does a preview of what those "forbidden delights" could include. I was creeped out though. She hid when we came out of Dirk's room. What was she going to do? Scream "whore" and cast me out of her house?
Anyway, the rest of the time until about 12:30 was used to make good my promises. Then, we went to the bank. I deposited all those pennies I'd rolled (21 dollars worth!!), Ken's check for ten dollars, and I took out some money, intending to run to the bookstore and get the new Laurell K. Hamilton book before we picked up Pia from work.
That, of course, didn't happen.
When we pulled out the bank parking lot, there was a minor incident where I was confused because this bus driver was motioning me to go, and I didn't think I had clearance. The bus just sat there, waiting for me. Just as my temper snapped, Dirk pointed out that I could pull into the lane in front of the bus, which was perfectly clear. According to Dirk, I then said, for no apparent reason, "Screw you". I don't remember saying this. I don't doubt I said it, because it sounds like something I'd say, but I really don't remember this.
I decided to pull into the parking lot, to calm down. I could feel myself just getting angrier and angrier, and I didn't want to lash out at Dirk by accident. Dirk just sat beside me for a while. Then, about six minutes before Pia was supposed to get off, he insisted he was hungry, and was going to walk across the road (8 lanes) to Wendy's. When cajoling him by telling him that it was only going to be a few minutes didn't work, I was completely at a loss. I just stared at him. He looked at me, said, "Don't look at me that way." and got out of the car.
So, I decided bluntness was the best course of action. I got out, too, and asked him "What the Hell is your problem?" He told me what I'd said when we pulled out of the parking lot. I told him that I didn't remember saying that, and apologized if I did. His response? Dirk leaned against the car for a while, then started walking across the road. I followed. When we got to Wendy's he ignored me while he ordered, then left without seeing if I would follow. I didn't. I couldn't believe he was acting like this, even after I'd apologized. So, I just stood there and stared at the menu. Meanwhile, when I glanced out the window, Dirk had made it all the way back to the parking lot and was eating outside the car. I'd locked it. I saw Pia come up, obviously asking Dirk where the hell I was. He shrugged, she went inside the Olive Garden. I decided to go back before she tried something, like rescuing me.
Dirk didn't acknowledge me when I came back. I didn't expect him to. I was too mad by this point. The ride home was uneventful, although I made it clear how angry I was at him. When we got home, I went to my room, and Dirk followed. He sat down next to me on my bed and put his hand on my leg. In as cold a voice as I could muster, I said, "Stay the hell away from me, Dirk." He got up and left the room.
I followed him downstairs. He was sitting in the computer room, with all the lights off. He asked, "Why are you constantly being rude to me?"
I said, by way of response, "Why don't you ever say something when you're mad at me, instead of letting it get out of control?"
I'm pretty sure I made some more smart-ass remarks, which was about what he should have expected, given his treatment of me. Anyway, the end result was that he decided to go home.Please keep in mind that I was utterly enraged at this point. I'd apologized for what I said (keep in mind, I still don't remember saying it), he'd basically refused to apology and then proceeded to continue treating me like I wasn't a human. And he'd abandoned me at Wendy's. Just fucking left me there, not giving a shit if I got back to the car or not. What I said wasn't bad enough to warrant this, was it?
Anyway, I told Dirk that if he walked out that door, I didn't want to see him again (I'm not very rational when I'm mad). He walked out the door, and started down the street. I then called him back, asked him to stay. When he refused, I told him in a low, mean voice, "I hate you." Which, of course, started him walking down the road again. He wouldn't stop, no matter what I said, so I tried physically restraining him (keep in mind he's over 6 feet tall, and can lift me up), which was a joke. So, I just stood and watched him walk away.
Of course, I can never just give up like that. I called, one last time, "Dirk, please stop and listen to me for just a second." When he turned around, I realized I hadn't expected him to stop. I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't think of anything that might make him want to come back with me. I wasn't even sure I wanted him to. So we stood there like that for a couple minutes, staring at each other. I remember watching the bumblebees buzz around their nest in the roof of a shed, which was between Dirk and I, off to one side. I remember an overcast sky and the feeling of helplessness. I remember giving up.
I said, "I'm sorry. Never mind." And turned to go home.
Dirk followed me. I stopped, looked at him standing over me, still angry, still wanting to lash out at me. "What did you want to say?" He asked.
"Nothing. I'm sorry. Never mind."
"Why have you been so rude to me lately?"
I started walking back to my house. "PMS and stress. I'm sorry."
"It can't just be that. It's all the time now." He was following me.
"I'm sorry. I don't really understand what rudeness is. I can't tell when I'm being rude sometimes."
We got back to my house, and Dirk started walking to the door. I walked to the backyard fence, sat down in the grass, and leaned against the white-painted wood. Dirk came to stand over me. I looked up at him for a minute, then said quietly, "I'm sorry for ruining your day. If you go home, I won't try to stop you." And started crying.I spent the next 25 minutes outside, either crying or staring off into space. Then, I'd remember something, like Dirk leaving me Wendy's, and start crying again. Far from leaving, Dirk hovered over me, cajoling me to come inside, trying to hold me, trying to get me to stand up, trying to get me to wipe the snot off my face. I was completely limp. Mostly unaware of the fact that Dirk was even there, much less that I'd be making a public scene if the lilac bush didn't do such a good job of hiding us from passing cars.
Dirk kept promising, over and over again, that he would try not to get so mad at me. He'd try to control his anger. He managed to get me inside, where I collapsed on the couch and started crying again. I don't remember when I stopped. Suddenly, there just weren't any tears any more. Just an ache in my center, and this burning feeling behind my eyes. I just wanted to die.
Dirk coaxed me out onto the back porch for a smoke, and the mood lightened enough so that we talked, even laughed. Odd thing. Both Dirk and I have to fight really bad tempers. Each of us freaks when the other gets mad. I don't know how its going to work out. But he says he's going to try not to get so mad. I'm going to work on my anger, too.
The rest of the day was pretty good. Dirk was really nice to me all day, insisting on coming to class with me. He went to the bookstore with me, bought me lunch. We went to the library and....oooh, this entry's so long already, but I can't leave this story out.
We went to the library Jason works at, not by choice, but because it's almost impossible to make a U-turn on the Parkway after 5 p.m. on a weekday. I also figured the Jason didn't work there anymore. I haven't spoken to him since November. I spotted his truck as soon as we pulled into the lot, but figured Jason was probably in the library's back room anyway.
No such luck. I spotted him as soon as we walked in, and pretended not to notice him. I got nervous almost immediately. I walked to the back with Dirk, and sat in a chair next to the periodicals section, reading my new book. When we were in the checkout line, I spotted Jason again, in the children's section. Still pretended not to see him. When we were getting in the car, I saw him coming across the parking lot, following us. I made the mistake of making eye contact, so it would have looked really bad if I'd just driven off. So, I got out of the car and said Hi.
It's odd. Standing there talking to him, I was half-afraid that old rush of chemistry would come back. I'm happy with Dirk, and I will never cheat on him. But back in the good old days, before everything went wrong and dumping Ken was just an idle thought I entertained once in a while, there was a strong sexual tension between Jason and I. Everyone noticed it. And we didn't go to very many lengths to hide the attraction. We just never did anything about it.
So, it was odd to just stand there and feel...nothing. Maybe a vague sort of pity, for a man stuck in a static world of his own making, but nothing more. Chemistry completely gone. I wasn't able to see what I'd found so attractive about him before.
We exchanged pointed, cynical comments about other people, mainly Ken. I shared the news about Whitney, the "dog lover". Jason gave me Ken's old job, which was to kill him if he ever became a Christian again, and make sure his funeral was not Christian. Then, I decided it was time to go, because Jason probably needed to go inside, and I felt bad for Dirk, who was just sitting patiently in the car.
When we were parting, Jason stopped me, saying, "This will be the first time we've parted and you haven't said, ‘Goodbye Sunshine'."
So, I smiled and said, "Goodbye Sunshine."
And he smiled wistfully and added, "You used to ask me for a hug. I guess now I've got to do it."
I hugged him, briefly, then got back in the car.For Jason, that was practically crawling. I didn't know he gave a shit, honestly. I wonder if he ever regrets leaving us all behind.