I didn't go to any party... I didn't even realise that until it was about 10pm, then i thought, hey, wasn't i supposed to be at that party? but no, im not there. i wasn't there. i have too much work to do.

That's right man, i have too much work to do but i spend all my time surfing the net absorbing all the rubbish my bandwidth can feed me. I also spent that time sleeping and getting warm under the bedcovers and being distant from the world and that nagging philosophy essay.

    I've been reading jeanette winterson recently. In the past week, i've absorbed 3 of her books, Gut symmetries, Boating for beginners, and since an hr ago, Oranges are not the only fruit. I can't really be bothered to tell you what she writes about, maybe im not sure, but i know because of those books, my mind is now all over the place, not here. not there, not over there either. This is probably not the state of mind to write an essay on philosophy about, contrary to popular (and ignorant) belief.

    Because i slept this afternoon, I woke up early today to go for my violin class. I think if i practise harder and more frequently i'll sound good eventually. It Has to happen. eventually. Every saturday morning i come back thinking like that. It lasts a day or two, that feeling, then the scratching and the imprecise notes and the ghrahhhkkk of the strings gets to me and i start to abuse the violin by playing metallica on it. I can play metallica, but not mozart nor tchaikovsky nor the other one.. the pretty pretty one with the trills... This is because metallica makes angry music. Raw, angry music. not little flights of fancy, Unnatural flights of fancy, requiring hours of unnatural practice, forcing of the fingers to learn of intricate weavings to produce music that's only as beautiful as anyone listening wants it to be.
 

    I have work to do, i did almost nothing this entire week. Almost nothing, but i made my usual parade of mistakes to mull over.. shall i tell u some, lets see. There's the one where this guy i had some interest in, mailed me that ridiculous 'bill gates and microsoft have developed an email tracking program and they'll send u $1000 if u send this to ten friends without deleting any of the previous email addresses so it snowballs into something so huge its a veritable nuisance" mail. And because people in 'love' (not quite but just use that word for now) tend to forget how to act normally, i sent back a mail, in the vein of a scolding. To emphasize just how far off the tracks my sense had derailed, i'd asked my dear new friend 'the fizzy(sigh) fish' about the content and he actually advised me against it. Of course i didn't listen, sent it off anyway, and i think that's the end of that. Self-sabotage. Who needs an evil twin.

    The idea is that u just delete all this nuisance mail and blacklist those who send them. It didn't occur to me i'd done anything wrong, till i told a friend about it the day after, and she decided to defend his position, with all kind of arguments about how fwded mail isn't a nuisance cos u can just delete it and how some people might think they're interesting and might just want to participate since 'u never know'. I didn't really listen. I was just thinking she probably got that mail too and sent it to ten people.

    I still think anyone who believes it must be stupid, gullible, silly, dumb, idiotic, stupid, my list of banal insults is limited u get the idea. Still, i probably shouldn't have sent off a scolding, as blind with besottedness as i was.

    I'll stop talking about that now. Moving on to something more blah, u want to hear about my tooth? Its my wisdom tooth behind my right cheek. Its coming out. I've got a gay tooth.

    My tooth hurts. Wait, that doesn't make sense. My Gums hurt. I can't even close my jaws properly, since that just means i bite on the part of the gum that's being displaced. I don't get what's going on, it just Hurts. I can't do my essay now. I can't think straight, i just think it all doesn't matter, but .. i guess.. unless i die soon, it does matter some...

    If i don't do my essay, that's 30% of my grade gone for kaput. I develop a reputation for being an irresponsible delinquent, i stop doing Any assignments, thus failing the course, i drop out of uni, i work to support myself ever since i was kicked out of home for being a disappointment, and it fails miserably since my mind is still in its fractured state of fogginess and i can't concentrate on anything. I can't be a street bum cos they're sweeping them all under the cement for the sydney olympics, i can't go back to singapore, are u Kidding? anyway i die a miserable death, freezing under a wilting tree in the winter of nothingness in utter solitude because i didn't write 1200 words on the Nature of Knowledge.

    I should start on it soon i guess. I have two more days.

    I wonder if i'm supposed to do alot of research on it... I don't actually know how to write a philosophical essay. My mind's still swaying by jeanette winterson, maybe i can use something from her books, but how much of that is common fact, which parts are fiction? and how the hell do i reference to that?
 

    Are you bored yet? this isn't one of my more reader-friendly ramblings... nope. Does it interest you that i have never written/verbally cursed the word f**k before? see? heheh. I don't much like that word. It really feels like one of those words that make u feel bigger by saying it, but i don't like that. Its building yourself up with emptiness. Also u can't take it back, even though it hardly means anything. Its just a spurt of vocal violence. I also don't like toothpaste. I don't have anything against it, i just don't like it. I also don't like solid soaps, after they've been used once. They gross me out. Dare i suggest im a hygiene-fanatic? Maybe im obsessed with a different kind of hygiene. But don't get me wrong, just to be pedantic and tedious in case people start bugging me about not bathing and not brushing my teeth, let me say that i use liquid soaps, and i Do brush my teeth regularly and they are very clean thank you.
 

    I just want to read. In between the winterson books, i'm in the middle of arundhati roy's 'god of small things' and nabokov's lolita, and daniel keye's 'flowers for algernon'. Actually, i think i've finished with algernon, 5 years after i wanted to read it... Lolita is not an easy read, not in the way kafka is impossible to read, but i just don't like it i guess. It's supposed to be funny and etc., it was alright for the first half, but it just became like a tiring dusty road trip in the recollections of a tedious pedophile. I don't feel like finishing it. I also have henry james' 'washington square' new and unopened. Add to this september's ELLE, Mad magazine, various news journals, my essay, math assignment, computing assignment, and i don't really need to have a social life for the rest of the month.

My gums hurt.
Can't chew.

*boo-hiss*

My favourite phrase for the week :

    fellatio in a foreign tongue   - from Gut Symmetries (J Winterson)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

    Aiyaahhh.h..... Dowan to do my esssaaaaaayyyyyy....

    fish... pish. wishy washy hoopla.

    But i guess i have to.

    !#$%^@!

    I feel like crying.