the Pretty winged fairy. She's got nothing to do with
my life right now. I tried to get drunk today, sort of. Didn't actually
try that hard. still intended on going home and you know how parents are
about getting drunk. durrh. Still, im no fan of hangovers and in no hurry
to try one out. ah.. *burp*. yeah...'cuse me.
Let me recommend Sub Zero Mango Passion. Well actually
its not that great. But its decent. and alcoholly...and if i wanted a drink
for its taste i wld've gotten ginger ale or something pleasant and inconsequential
like that.
Half a bottle of midori & lemonade sitting in
front of me. Cough medicine at its best. Now u know...when u have to take
cough syrup, down some sprite/7-up after that and u can pretend its alcoholic,
which makes it cool..and fun...more fun than usual anyhow... and u even
get drowsy same-like.
/
Anyhow, there come times in ur life when you get
revelations...mini ones...like that time in organic chem class when we
finally saw the link between polymers, esters and the textile. Polyester!
HEY! Bitterly, its not always as fun as that. like when u know you
have to accept something, and u don't wanna, and your brain gives up on
ur heart(limbic sys?) and so on...until that moment when its simply beyond
logic or twisted reasoning to hope for a quirk of fate, a twist of taste...a
forgotten dollar rediscovered... Revelations. its as simple as that. i
hate it but this is the first time, its always a first time, and i know
i just cant have what i want. There are so many reasons to discard that
desire, yet the few that cling stay cemented. Could be i want it jus cos
i cant have it...but..
/
Its so hard to come to terms with it.
/
Could be also you don't know what im talking about.
doesn't matter.
/
One interesting thing: if there's something u want
to get off your chest and tell to tons of people but not actually reveal,
what u do is you get yourself a homepage, and write out ur messed-up insides
into a convoluted coagulation of words. This way, you get to say what you
want, no one understands it, and if they want to know, they have to guess
what it means, which makes it all that much easier for you. the onus is
on them to discover the dirt.
/
Actual unfrivolous Update on my liFe: my psychology
course starts in July this year!!! mid-year entry!! this is actually amazing
news since before this, i was stuck with the problem of figuring out a
plan for the next 8 months between the end of this course and uni in march'99.
Never having had a holiday for more than 3 mths at a time, and without
those enriching projects to bullshit up, its an entirely novel and somewhat
unimaginable thing to be faced with 8 Whole months of Nothingness.
Yet, it was definitely a cool thing. So, now that i have just one month
to relax pre-uni, it feels like i've just lost the only time in my life
i actually get to direct directly. However, its still bloody good news
so im pretty glad.. the pattern continues...the fringe gets sewn
in again.
/
La la la...bum around bum around...i don't respond
so good to alcohol... I've actually been sick the past few days.
So sick i actually slept at 5pm one day. lost abit of weight. but still
far from the optimum...ah heck..who cares anyway. If i got what i wanted,
just cos of my weight, what a piss off that would be. Anyway, im better
off without. Im better living within, sharing myself with myself...drinking
to my health... Lust, i plead guilty.
/
This chapter of my life is a queer one. its a departure
from the past, a solitary independant event, its where the me of my past
meets them whom i've never known. Im missing, i don't belong but i do.
The people i know here do stuff i don't identify with. I don't like tacky
chinese ghost movies, i don't enjoy the constant references to shit/masturbation/penises,
i don't listen to cantonese pop..dont want to start. I sang in a choir,
classics, hymns, madrigals harmonies.. i listen to funk, rock, Beck...i
watch movies with tons of wordage..i like arty farty french films.. i used
to read tons, the classic stuff, in those spurtive moments of self-enlightenment.
I could quote, i could wield wilde's wit, i could speak my mind. Here,
i don't, and i cant, and i don't feel much like myself, even though i still
am. Myself, that is.
/
Isn't there anyone out here like me? I wish you
would come and show yourself to me. One year out of the g.e.p, to adapt
to the real world was to declare oneself a socially-maladjusted outcast,
a quirk, a mis-fit, in the literal sense of the word. Another year down
the road, it sounds like such a cop-out excuse, an elitist version of adolescent
angst. But it still happens. blame MOE, blame the stupid program, heck
even blame all of us for growing up together in the queerest of directions,
for learning not to think straight, for learning to see the patterns in
the stripes, for installing the cynicism that runs alongside the general
foolhardiness that is my rebellion against all that is structure in this
bloody stupid world run by bloody stupid masses of dumb people.
/
Quite possibly i am drunk. Well maybe not, Just
tipsy and zonked. There's this guy...woven into the past few pages (yes,
im still on that chapter-page metaphor) of my life...and he was mostly
just a minor character, the inevitable ornamental love interest thing that
exploded into a subplot of its own. Now, and as he reads this, i say Now,
i take back the stylus and i write it the way i want. Whichever way it
goes, i suffer no fools, and fool u mayn't be, so what? heck with that.
i just really really want this part to conclude, i want to close the book
on you.
/
this is alot about me isnt it? Well. its My LIFE. !
so here's to you!
*clink*
*glug glug*
/
5.0%
alcohol content. 95% virgin.
