I'm in schoooool. I think have a weird subject combination. Some people said so. :) Still, its not a Bad one! i mean, the only thing that seriously sucks about it is Maths(which i can't escape). Everything else is so new and useful and stuff... Psychology is my major, philosophy is for the heck of it - they said no education is complete without philosophy, but then again, they were philosophers. Computer science is definitely full of stuff i don't know, will learn, and then kick stupid male-pc-literate butt with. Here's to all the condescending self-named cyberwizards who've pretended that knowing anything about computers is the sole domain of males and males alone. 

    I'm probably going to flunk it. But hell, i'm going to know more than my brother. And my dad. My mom's more or less given up on mastering win95, and everytime she gets my brother to explain something to her on his souped-up pentium II, he just tries to show off and treats her with the most humiliating patronising condescension that she really doesn't deserve, even though she plays along and acts stupid. I really can't stand it. Cannot. Every time she asks my brother for help, i have to leave the room or i'll end up wanting to bash his head into the monitor. My dad's almost as bad. Every time my mom asks a computer-related question, both my brother and dad immediately perk up and you can almost see their chests inflating at the chance to act all Know-it-all and laugh at my mom's incomprehension while they fail completely to explain anything to her. Another thing i don't understand is why she won't just let me help her. So Sickening. 
 
    So maybe, this thing with computer science is just my way of proving myself. I mean, my brother is supremely convinced he is the computer whiz in the family, and my dad just pretends he knows alot and covers up what he doesn't with alot of vague metaphors ('u see, this address is like a home, if they send it to this home, then it gets here, if there is something wrong on this end, then it doesn't arrive here...blah blah blah blah' - this is the guy who didn't understand how i could check my sydney.net mail account from Singapore). Two years in computer science is a whole lot more concrete than either of these. The kind of concrete you can shove in their faces and they have to believe it. 

    I just have to win.                          . 

    I think i'm pre-menstrual. I think this because i'm going to bitch somemore. 

    I hate people who think they're Natural Leaders. There are those who really are great at mediating and making reasonable (if not just) decisions, the kind you're happy to follow while they do the job of cutting the path. Then there are those who think their rightful role in life is to make final decisions for all and asunder, these are the kind of people who think that being a leader is something akin to power, not realising that leaders are there to Serve their followers. You don't agree with me? hah. write to me then, i'll put it up on my blah-forum-thing. 
 
    You want to know why i'm suddenly bitching about self-elected leaders? I've been harbouring angry gut-resentment for awhile, against one of these leader-types. Its prolly actually really trivial, but little things that bug u tend to grow and gestate and eventually infest your insides and turn them an ugly shade of grudge. What i'm so pissed about was that someone altered a poem i wrote. This was the class poem i spewed one night in a fit of rhyme, and offered it to the class for submission in the yearbook (which turned out to be crap anyway). I put it up here sometime ago, and its not even close to anything impressive, but it was My unimpressive poem. It was one of those things where each member of the class is transcribed in a line of their own, myself included in the last line. Now what this person did was to change the line where i described myself, replacing it with something completely out-of-sync with the rhythm, rhymed only in theory, and wasn't true at all. And because i am bitching, i will go so far as to say it was Bad english (even worse than mine), and made the entire poem look bad. 
 
    When i saw the change, i was surprised and complained politely. However, i wasn't too concerned, since everyone else had received it well and i was still wallowing in a self-congratulatory high. What i did, however, was to use what she'd written, just making it fit better into the poem so that it wouldn't jar so badly when read. I corrected the grammar, i made it rhyme and found it a rhythm. Then i gave it back to her. 

    Weeks later, we figured there wasn't really any space for both the poem and another idea we'd had. And so, i figured, hey, now we don't have to use it anymore! so great and all that, i voted not to use it, but that wasn't the end of it. After the exams, we had a graduation ceremony, and that girl had spent the night before making these really pretty cards for all our teachers (from the class), and she decided to print out my poem and stick a copy in with each card. She definitely put alot of effort into the cards, and so we were all wowed and whatnot. However, she'd also used my poem, Her version of My Poem, with the alien line in there for all to see. Nowhere in sight were my corrections, it was just there in all its ugly damagedness. Maybe then i should have been glad I hadn't even been given credit for it, except that i was probably the only one in the class who would've written anything like that, and so it would be credited to me, ugly-last-line and all. Anyhow, i saw it, and did another polite request for an explanation. 

    The reason given to me was "it isn't right that you should write about yourself, is it?" said in a manner that indicated the case was closed. 

    Bloody hell!! its MY Poem!!!! 

    I don't care how crap it is, how egocentric, how self-promoting it is, it's MY bloody poem, and she had No Right to change it, no right even, to use it without my name, Or my permission. Especially when it was so altered for worse. 

    The stupid thing was that no one else seemed to see that i was a seething pile of snakes inside, already hissing from all the sappy sentiment bandied around that day (i'm a cynical rat, ok?). Everyone else didn't seem to think that i had anything to be upset about, all happy shiny soppy brain-dead followers. 

    I'm convinced some people will follow just because someone is leading. 

    And also that some people will think they were born to lead, and think that puts them above others. No one's going to gain any respect worth having by acting superior, especially without basis, or even worse, in the face of opposing evidence. 

    Having said that, there are also those leaders who really are good at what they do, and thank goodness for them, since people like me aren't up to it. Obviously, having to make decisions and so on, its never easy to please everyone all at the same time. However, there are certain things to remember, like: you have to respect those you lead. 

    Blah begets blah. 

    Sigh. I am such a bitch today. If you've read through this expecting something with less bile, I apologize. Just had to purge my spleen again. 

    To go back to the topic of my subjects (the subject of my topics?), i had my first philosophy tutorial today~! It was alright, i guess... At least i didn't make a huge fool of myself, which makes it a success already *grin*. There are slightly less than 20 people in the tute group, more females than males, and almost entirely caucasian (aussie+kiwi+2 americans), with the exception of me, a shy middle-eastern-looking guy, and this other guy who looks asian but speaks Western Accent. 
 
    Just a brief note on the subject, this session i'm doing something called 'The ways of Knowing and Knowledge', or something like that. heheh... Epistemology: the Theory(or account) or Knowledge. Shan't go further than that. If you'd like to find out more, for whatever mad reasons, go ahead and post your comments/questions in the form below. 

    Almost digressing.... I was thinking about the dynamics of that bunch of people in Room310B. There were alot of vibes going around, or rather, alot of vibes directed quite specifically. When i found the classroom, the atmosphere was really chilly, and everyone (except the asian-looking guy) seemed to ignore my existence almost completely. I had to ask people to move in so i cld sit, no one was even much interested in returning smiles or friendly glances. In the end, i just started grinning to myself and became really interested in the map on the wall and my sleeve button. 

    There seemed to be a certain hierarchy involved. The two americans (one in particular was of the pretty spunky cheerleader variety) seemed to consider themselves at the top, with the native aussies following them, and then the minorities, this middle-eastern guy, asian-looking guy, and myself at the bottom. 

    There was alot of self-confidence/self-involvement among them. Alot of feeling closed out, but the tutor was nice, and that made things better. It seems to be a particular trait of mine, that i *have* to be liked by everyone. Cosmopolitan declares all females have this trait, i think maybe. My point (getting there...) is that i try really hard to be liked, for some reason, that's really important to me. However, if i won't be liked upon first/second/subsequent impressions, then at least let me be respected. :) Somehow, i'm going to have to digest Plato. 

     I have a day off tomorrow! Friday is my day off! haha! *happy grin* 
    Unfortunately, i still have to go to school to create an account on the network-thingy in the labs... I think its so brilliant how most of my lecture notes are available on the net. Ahhh... 

    There. i think - OH!!! they're playing 'You Were There' by the Southern Suns on the radio! This song never fails to reduce me to all kinds of base sentimentality and soppiness. oh dear... *sniff*... i want hugs and kisses... i want a guy to lean on and tell me im beautiful. aw darn it. i just want to be babied. Stop it!!! arghs... *sniff*... 

    I swear one of these days i'll marry someone just because he sang me that song.