happy new year, kids.
i never update when i have fancy things to say. i want to tell you how much fun us girls had last night out at the movies, how obnoxious i think i am in a crowd (seriously, do i ever shut the fuck up?), how nice and refrshing it was to go out and feel like an adult but still be giddy. no one seemed incomfortable, no one got into a cat fight. i really think we'll make this a habit. i get to have friends. hooray.
i really think my friendship with felicia is taking off. we have a very good rapport, and we're comfortable talking about anything. she helps me remember that i'm not old, and i think these girls nights out will also serve that purpose, for all of us. i *love* my mood ring, and i'm super glad that we've started doing sunday nights at the diner again. and jeff, i invited her to the cult movie overnight.
the bug exhibit wasn't as great as we'd hoped, but it was fun, and nice to be in the city with mark again. i got tickets for the phantoms/river rats game in february, too, so that should be fun. we're starting to get excited for the tournament season. he's been painting this ugly figure for the contest at games day. i swear i'm supportive. i can't wait till vacation (first week in feb. maybe); i'm starting to feel pretty burnt out.
i took a nice hot bath tonight and got gussied up. i have on this two-piece burgundy negligee and a pair of strappy high-heels. since i've been sick (off and on for three weeks), i've been feeling pretty dull. tonight, i am a hottie.
and now i'm off to fuck my boyfriend.
damn right it's better than yours -- Rx --
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you wouldn't believe me if i told you that the butterfly effect was an amazing movie, would you? go see for yourself.
mark has off from work today, which i thought would be horrible for me, but we're having a smashing time. i spent my days off last week having fun (went thrifting w/ felicia) but didn't get my necessary nee time. i didn't know until yesterday that mark would be here and i made it clear he would be in my way. but we woke up around 8am (had there been a call from damon i would've gone in to work so that he didn't die on his drive up here), and waited for the fire safety inspector to come and ok the apartment. then we headed to the bank (bankbankbankbank) and super fresh, where we spent an eternity buying food stuffs. we *heart* super fresh. he made me breakfast for lunch, i gave him head, worked on meg's mix cd, and then we went to the movies. came home, and here i am. we're having pork tenderloin (no really; no dirty joke there!) for dinner, and taking separate time till then. he's playing baulder's gate 2. the first one is my fave video game because it's the only one i've ever beaten. (actually, i really love super mario world 2: yoshi's island for supernes, but i don't have the system or the game. thought about buying a gameboy but i want it on the big screen. found out andy doesn't have the n64 i have him back in the day; made me wish i'd taken it when i left. maybe i could've mastered beetle adventure racing. but i digress...) it's actually my game but i'd rather he plays it then watches me so when i get stuck he can help; instead he sent me in to face giant spiders right before i went to bed.
i almost forgot the best part! he bought me flowers.
life in general has been fine. i've been a bit more of a loner than i thought i'd be. i guess i need to veg out, which i'll do next tues-thurs. with the exception of brian's birthday dinner on wed., i don't intend to leave the house. ok, i might get my car washed or go see a movie (mystic river is at loewe's). i actually hung out with gina for the last eagles game, but we really need to go out. one highlight recently was bumping into my old friend jay at the black horse diner. we hadn't spoken in about 3 years, just fell out of touch. but we got together and had dinner, talked for about 3 hours. i worried we wouldn't have enough to say but things flowed. much joy. gotta give him a call.
gonna buy a cool book theresa recommended about consensual crimes. been really psyched about reading but i don't sit down and do it enough. the political bug has also bitten me (pro-choice rallies, anti-war rallies, reading michael moore's site, etc). i'm not sure it'll really amount to anything; i'm very pessimistic about the world and it's leaders. i'm not well-informed. but i am very opinionated.
i am planning an interesting post for the weekend. see you then.
happy birthday, jeff -- Rx
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i treat every day that i can remember from my life as a personal holiday. each anniversary of any thing counts. many of these are sad: march 26- death of a friend; september 9- mother's suicide attempt; september 4- last time i saw my sister; september 30- day andy and i broke up the first time; december 31- day andy and i were going to be married; december 9- day we broke up the last time. many of them are fun: january 14- day i lost my virginity; january 1- mark and my anniversary; may 26- when andy and i started dating; january 15- first day of college; september 25- day i bought my new car; november 18- day i made my 'adult film'. but today, january 31, is always the biggie.
i grew up knowing certain truths: monsters were going to get me; my life was shit, but other's were much shittier; my salavation was in my writing. each of these have proven themselves, over and over. my mother told me her horror stories (and i still haven't met anyone whose had it worse than her, which is why i am a strong woman), and i watch the news, and i've listened to other people's tales of woe. i got off easy being poor and living with a schizophrenic, but i knew bad things were going to happen to me, too. i was ready for the real world when the real world came to get me. (i used to joke, "give me a tragedy and i can take it; gimme a bad hair day and i fall apart.") it wasn't exactly a surprise when the bad shit hit the fan.
and it was hard to deal with, in the weeks following, when the female dean at rutgers made me recount my rape, and my sexual history, and threw it all back in my face with but you slept with him there before and why didn't you just leave and but you liked it rought. it was hard to lose rob that way; it was hard to called a liar by alana and by my sister and by many people who couldn't say it to my face. hard to be told i had a snowball's chance in hell of prosecuting. hard to be examined in the middle of the night in a cold hospital room. hard to remember whether or not i was crazy. if any part of it felt good, what does that mean? if i missed him and still loved him, what does that mean? if i could fuck my boyfriend one week later and leave him shortly after for a new man, what does that mean?
and i'll never say it was a walk in the park, that it wasn't so bad after all... but there are others who've had it shittier. after all, i was lucky. and i know that that is not fair, either, that life is relative. but i think that i will be putting this anniversary to rest. this is not because it's healthier for me (i find it's better to remember than repress), but out of respect for all those who've had it worse. how can i look my mother in the eye and feel bad for myself when i know she was molested during her entire childhood, and raped multiple times as an adult? how does my one relatively non-violent incident with a known assailant when i was sexual active compare to those repeatedly tortured by family members during their pre-teen years? or any woman assaulted or beaten or killed by multiple people?
i am finding it hard to articulate. this topic always proves more difficult outside of my head than in. i don't feel that my memorial was negative or hurt woman-kind in any way, nor do i feel that i don't have the right to bitch about it every day, forever and ever. i know that i am strong, that i dealt with something horrible, that i overcame it, and that my scars are minimal and manageable. i raise my glass to the thousands of women and girls who have suffered my fate and worse (last statistic i heard was one in three by the age of 16).
i don't feel that i am in a pissing contest for the saddest stories anymore. i've heard enough that compete with my mom's, and that's the saddest thing of all.
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if you know mark and me at all, you probably know we're anti-drug. if you know mark and me very well (let's just say if you were family), you would know that mark has never used any illegal drug, had alcohol, or smoked tobacco, and that i have a very opposed outlook to drugs, with special distaste for marajuana. anyone who read my december 31 post would know that. i realize that there are many nice people i know that use and i accept this. neither of us dismisses people on that alone. recently i was at a friend's house, and her boyfriend was high. i felt a little uncomfortable, but i was in their house and i know that they use, and he maintained a pretty mellow mood, so i stayed and had a great time. i cannot say the same would have happened if i thought they were clean or if he was acting obnoxious. the same would be said if he had been drunk; i have the choice to leave if i don't want to be around something. 9.5 times out of 10, i do not want to be around drugs. mostly, our home is also an alcohol-free home. it goes without saying that even at times when i was smoking cigarettes that i did not do so in the house, and when i want to drink here i ask mark's permission first. the rarity with which i drink usually means he'll say yes. when an occasion such as the super bowl comes up where we've invited friends and family to come over, we extend certain common social allowances to our friends. i let people know that they could bring beer over and drink, but that no one could leave until i felt it was safe. house rules. turns out no one decided to drink here. one less thing to worry about, i figured. helps reduce the x-factor, too. now we can all just sit back and have a good time. well, apparently not.
mark's brother decided to smoke up at half-time. he and his girlfriend left the house, apparently walked the block, smoked, and came back. into _*my*_ house. mark asked before they went outside what they were doing; "just going outside" was the response. when they got back in, mark asked where they went; "for a walk". what did you do?; "smoked." cigarettes or pot?; "pot." get out of my house. and mark's brother has the audacity to be mad at us that we kicked him out. mad at us because he disrespected us and our home. "i didn't think it would be that big a deal", he whined. all i said was that he should've asked. 'hey, is it cool if i smoke?' would have ellicited a no, but also no hard feelings. we know that they use, and we don't hold it against them. in fact, felicia and i had a conversation when i was disagreeing with our other friend about how far mark's brother has come. he used to have a big drug problem and now he's a functional person who is pulling his life together. she also told me how courteous he and his girlfriend are about it at their house, that they ask if you mind before they do it and offer to share. i find it odd that they would've feel that way about our house.
word has tricklied through the grapevine that mark's brother is pissed off at us. i have no idea what anyone else thinks. i didn't receive an apology from his girlfriend, so i assume that she's on his side. i am paranoid, so i assume that we're the bad guys in this to all our 'friends'. if anyone out there thinks that we were in the wrong, that not allowing drugs in our home and being offened, hurt, and angry that someone (family, even) would blatantly disrespect us in that manner is beyond our rights, then remind me not to invite you over.
to summarize, i don't feel there is another side to this issue. i feel we were 100% right. i think it's very sad that this happened. mark and i were very happy that he had his brother around again, and i was developing a friendship with his girlfriend. i have no idea what's next in this retarded drama. i *think* it's supposed to be the naked cat fight, but i'm not quite sure.
and on that note, a quote/paraphrase from grosse point blank.
"it's been so long i don't remember who gets tied up -- Rx --
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two updates in one day?!? unheard of.
so we went to see miracle saturday night. at first i thought this would be a wait-to-rent; i've seen the miracle on ice story of the '80 olympics on hbo, and felt this would be redundant. however, now that hockey season is in full swing, i was excited. turns out it was a well-done depiction of those events that didn't get all 'hooray america'. now i'm all excited for friday night's phantoms/river rats game. i'm on vacation now throuogh next tuesday and, although it hasn't been the most relaxing day, i am thrilled. watched sling blade and played some baulder's gate. our new dvr came, so now i can watch angel. taking brian out to dinner tomorrow, tim's coming over thursday, hockey friday, d&d saturday. my days are all mine. maybe tomrrow i'll wake up before 10:30am?
i suffer from righteousness, which i think is fine, because i try to be well-informed and feel my opinions don't come from a place of ignorance. i have learned the hard way that i don't make friends easily and i rarely keep them. mostly, sadly, i think i'm finally getting the point that it's mostly not worth it. when i saw the piano, all i could think was that i wished i could not talk and still present myself. but i can't keep my fucking mouth shut. and you know what? hooray me. i mostly regret the times i haven't spoken my mind, told people when to fuck off and whatnot. it's often hard at my job to not speak up; i used to belittle customers, but i don't anymore. i am a volatile person. the only person with the balls and spine to deal with me so far has been mark. for all i know, he secretly hates me behind me back, too. i think mostly it's hard for me to find people i think are worhty of me; i've been reprimanded before for putting my standards well above what anyone could actually reach. i just think most people don't understand. that's fine; they can believe whatever they want.
i didn't intend this post to turn rant. i'm just irritated at the completely ridiculous turn of events this week. i'm not good at being angsty and not just letting loose on someone. it's turned into this juvenile note-passing girly shit that i just don't need. i don't know how to make it better. i know; i won't think about it anymore.
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got the dvr yesterday and it is so great. seriously, people, if anyone has comcast digital cable get this upgrade. it's comes in handy with sports (you can rewind live tv) and it's a million times easier to set than a vcr. mark always misses neat shows on discovery and history on sunday nights, and a commercial came on for one last night. he started to complain that he wouldn't get to see, so i grinned and giggled and handed him the remote. i've set it to tape the season of angel.
off to bathe and veg out. *waves*
you got to pick up the little pieces every day -- Rx --
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and today is not as good as yesterday. blah.
woke up at 8am with a crappy headache and a sick tummy. i want to think it's stress-related from all this drama crap. meg and i have been e-mailing about our issues and i think the hostility is gone; mark called eric but hasn't gotten a reply. i typed up the official house rules and taped it to the door. it may seem silly, but apparently it's necessary. we love our home. this is a feeling like no other i've ever had. aside frown when i was growing up, i've never been in one space long enough where i could spread out my things and be myself. now i am, and it's sacred. so, house rules. the other weird drama is that i *think*, with a decent amount of certainty, that felicia has turned against me. i haven't done anything, but she's posting some negative comments on her page and not returning my messages. mark said i shouldn't be too surprised, that our friendship was doomed from the start, but it's bugging me. i gave her a ride home thursday night. *shrug* probably, though, the sick feeling is from the japanese restaurant that brian and i went to last night. the food was yummy, but i think my body rejects japan.
so i went back to bed until 11:45am, and now the day's almost over. i scheduled laundry to do. i'm a fun gal. i feel crappy still tho; maybe i'll sleep some more. watched lost in translation; thought it was pretty darn good. today i might watch sunshine state. got a couple people coming over tonight (each will receive a hard copy of the house rules) and that might be nice for me. this vacation has been slightly less carefree than i had hoped.
jeff called (about seventeen times; i think i need a louder ringer), but since i hadn't cleared it with mark we didn't hang out. i haven't actually spoken to jeff in months so it was nice to have a small chat. the holiday inn seems to be ok with all the plans for the overnight. if it's that local it won't be a big deal that i don't have anyone to go with me. and if i go there, i'll see people who actually like me and have been my friend for years. hooray.
gotta go shower. i smell stinky in ways only a girl can.
chillin' at the holiday inn -- Rx --
look, im at it again.
so it was paranoia, mostly, about felicia. there were issues about some anti-andy sentiments, about which she was completely correct. the comments on her web page were about someone else, so hooray. i'm annoyed at how upset i was; felt sick all day until she wrote. i guess it was the not knowing what i did wrong. nothing else negative has come up between anyone else. i've got plans to hang with jay on sunday and gina's gonna call me about next week. watched sunshine state, which was ok. have a full day planned for tomorrow; selling comics back on saturday. la de da. things feel normal again.
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mark thinks i'm grumpy because i need food (we had lunch at 3:30pm and had nothing since) so he's making me mac & cheese. he's my domestic princess. *smile* we had some very good sex today; it made me feel floaty. i'm amazed that after three years, i'm not bored with him in bed.
how's that for an update?
look at these abs... bleh -- Rx --
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