okay, anyone want the fucking update on my life? well, you're getting it anyway... i've been working on my web page (http://geocities.datacellar.net/SoHo/Coffeehouse/1147) because that's how much stupid free time i have on my hands... this is different form real free time, you know the kind where you have things to do and a way to do them... my writers block has been overtaken by apathy so i don't even give a shit about writing anymore. partially this is because i'm afraid of sucking at it. i guess i'm justa moron...
moving on... i've been transferred to moorestown and given a promotion to second assitant. this requires me to get up earlier, get home later, be responsible for more shit,and take a 30min bus ride for a five minute drive. i hate being at that store and really want to set it on fire. i was happy and comfortable where i was before, but of course my life never stays happy for long...
i had a good month and a half... i started seeing this guy named scott who i'd been friends with for about nine months... this was the longest i'd known some one before getting romantically involved and sleeping with them, i guess that doesn't say much for my morality or self-respect, but what's done is done. i thought this would help us, and like i said, i had a good month and a half. but all that sucks shit now too...
i asked him to talk to me, for conversation ,and all he could think of was surface shit. and he basically treats me like crap without knowing it and says things to appease me instead of saying what he feels... i don't have time for this shit... and tonight he sped off as though i had done something wrong... he said he'd take off work thursday to be with me then invited me along to new hope with him and his friend kevin... how sweet... but obviously there's something wrong with me for being hurt by that...
bottom line is that my pal patrick from the club has the right idea: fuck emotion. i thought it before and i just keep coming back to it. love doesn't exist. i was listening to trulymadlydeeply in the car and thinking 'this is BULLSHIT!' no one feels that way for any longer then it takes to write a song about it... if you open your heart, you invite disease. all i wanted to do when i was with alex was to run the hell away, to get out before he mattered... because the emotions weren't real... i was lonely, i wanted to believe... but my faith always fails me... it's no use trusting in others. when everyone you know has let you down countless times, and you know you're a rotten sonofabitch, there's no point trying make friends anymore...
so why am i sharing all this shit with ya'll? because i'm mean, that's why. because i really want to see my fucking blood right now, but i know life moves on and i 've gotta get up in a few hours and put on the happy face, go open my store and give excellent customer service to a bunch of ripe morons... i know i've lost evrything that matters in life (my will to live, my passions, my love). i want to cold and empty because the nothing inside is hrting too much. oh, teen angst. ain't it grand?
and i'm really pissed because that month and a half... was perfect. was bliss... i really fell for him, a better love then i ever could have imagined feeling... work was great (i was still at cherry hill and had just gotten the promotion), scott and i had so much fun, we always saw each other... i didn't want to get serious but my feeling started to grow deeper... things were going naturally and smoothly, without my pushing or his... so what the fuck happened? some of you know me pretty well; tell me. what the hell do i do wrong? what did i ever do to ask for this life? i don't want it anymore... i want to start over, at the begining, or right after college even... i want my future, my hope, my passions back... i'm sick of faking it and holding in the nager and pain... for that month and a half... i was truly happy... for the first time, i believe... and it's gone already...
i would bet money that kevin's laughing at me right now. shove you fucking sarcasm. you always made me feel like shit and you never really helped anyway. just thought you should know.
i need to find a way to deal with this shit. a way out... a pleasure, a pain... something... something vicious, something mean, something nasty and big and real and ugly... and i know no one can help me, that i'm going to go ahead and do more things that don't matter, that scott and i will probably talk tomorrow and i'll pretend things are alright, that i haven;t started hating him eveytime i look at him or thik about him... i know that i'll keep putting on my masks and pretending to be okay... that you'll all jujst dismiss this as one of my moods and if they found me dead in the morning, you'd all truly think that you're surprised...
the world we live in is shit. everything is shit, even sleep... because the nightmares are still coming and always have been adn always will...
i guess this was all just one big royal fuck me/fuck you and thank you so much for not listening. i know you'll all just delete it if you've even gotten this far.
once again dropping off the face of the planet (and i mean it this time...) see all appropriate persons at the district tomorrow night for my final semi-social experience for the rest of this life... i never really loved any of you but there are still some of you i plan to fuck... good night -- forever nothing pissy and stupid -- ReNee
"don't even think of stopping by -- i won't be
home
don't even think of reaching me -- no, don't
think of me at all...
i got scratches all over my arms
one for each day since i fell apart...
and if there's something you'd like to do
just let me continue to blame you..."
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