Volume 4, Issue 1

October 20th, 1997

Issue Message (RevBade)
The High-On-Dope (RevBade)
Untitled picture (Heather Williams)
Studboy's Guide to Pickup Lines (Studboy)
Halloween at CV (by P-Chan)
Shotgun to Death (by Phillip Flobie)
Ask Dr. Corwin (by Corwin)
Horoscopes (by Buttock)

 

Issue Message
(by RevBade)

YA! This is the 4th issue so far this year, and so far they have been coming out every 2 weeks right on schedule, which I think is Pretty Damn Cool. So far in The Plug’s history it has never started at the beginning of the school year, and ran all the way through till the end. I’m betting that this year we are going to make it all the way through.

What is somewhat pathetic though is that this is only the 16th issue of The Plug, EVER. So as you can see, having four of those 16 issues be from this year is pretty cool.

So, we’ve been having a lot of submissions, YAY! But we still aren’t getting enough to print The Plug without me having to put in filler articles. So, don’t stop submitting! I still need everything I can get to be able to put this together. Also, you guys were great about donating money for that last issue, but for this one.. Well... You guys didn’t help out much.

ALSO, now this is somewhat IMPORTANT, so you may want to read it. If you look below then you’ll notice that the next release date is on a Wednesday. The reason for this being that I can print it on Tuesdays for 12 cents an issue instead of 16 cents. Which means that it will be costing only $18 instead of $24 dollars for the 150 copies.

 

The High-On-Dope
(by RevBade)

"An optical treat that couldn’t be beat." Interesting. Yes, very interesting. For those of you who read a copy of the High-On-Dope that came out this last Friday, you know what I am talking about. For the rest of you, well I suppose I can tell ya. It seems that despite me refusing an interview with the High-On-Dope, they still took it upon themselves to write an article about The Plug.

Now, if you’re like me, then you are most likely saying "WTF!" Why the hell would a newspaper write an article about another paper? (Okay, I’m kinda doing the same thing right now, but that’s okay, cause I’m me.) What shocked me even more was that the High-On-Dope seemed to be praising The Plug. "I’d be much more satisfied to get the insightful humor that one can find in The Plug." So they’re what, promoting The Plug? Seems somewhat strange to me.

"What I like about The Plug is that brazen alternativeness. They don’t have to cover sports and the arts like we on the High-O-Scope do." So now, remind me again why you are writing for the High-On-Dope? If you like the Plug so much, why don’t you write an article for us? Of course it couldn’t be as cheesy as ‘A creative Outlet’, although I did get a good laugh out of reading that. "Gee fellas’, you made my day."

"Believe it or not, the alternative brain-child of Josh McKee has been passed on (to) another generation of Computer Lab Spartans." What is this people? They are stereotyping me as a "Computer Nerd"? ‘They hurt my feelings!’ O mean come on now, do your research first! Just because my brother happened to spend a lot of time in the computer lab, does not mean that I do. Hell, you probably don’t even know who I am, yet somehow you know ‘so damn much’ about me. I’d be interested in knowing how exactly this is.

As for the ‘$48 to print 150 copies’, I believe you read that wrong boys. It’s $48 a month, that is $24 for 150 copies, TWICE a month. Tisk Tisk. I hate to do this, but I am afraid I will have to give you a D- on research.

 

Studboys Guide to Pickup Lines
(by Studboy)

Yo brothas, dis time Iz bustin ah move wit da pickup lines. Da kind ya use on da chicks, not da kind ya sit in at da tack shop.

Mosta yous aint got da wood on da lines, so Iz here ta tell ya wassup wit dat.

Heres my fav lines:

"Yo baby yo baby yo"

"Wes got ah luv thang, baby"

"Word up sexy momma"

"Hey baby"

"You so fine"

"Hey Suzie Q, lets get a milkshake at Daryl's drive-in"

Yo practice da lines in da mirror an go get you studly self da chicks, sly.

 

Halloween at CV
(by P-chan)

Hey kiddies! Halloween is coming up, and we all know what that means, don’t we? Dressing up in all black, hiding in the bushes and mugging little kids for their candy. Well here’s something you might not know about Halloween this year, it’s the night of the CV/CHS food ball game, and since Halloween’s the night for parties here’s a few idea’s for you:

1) Take a bunch of "Spartan Pride" bumper stickers and put them on all the CV cars.

2) Make a Spartan flag and hang it on their flag pole.

3) Grab a couple of CV freshman, duck tape them to the rock, and spray paint blue and white all over them.

4) Dump environmentally sage blue dye into the CV creak.

5) T.P. all the trees around CV with Blue and White toilet paper.

6) Kidnap the CV football team, dress them up like Spartan’s and tie them to their flag pole.

7) Level the hill.

8) Paint ‘CHS Rules’ across the football field with grass killer.

9) Paint the quad in blue and white.

10) And last, but most important WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!

 

Shotgun To Death
(by Phillip Flobie)

We drove along the interstate, drinking vodka and shouting at cars as we shot by them in our 120mph speeding blue bullet.

She grabbed the shotgun from the back seat. It was already loaded, and she stuck it out the passenger side window, as I swerved across four lanes of traffic. I thought the car was going to break as I drove it across the dividing island separating northbound from southbound, but I didn't really give a shit, because I was drunk, and because her hand was on my crotch.

Our car burst out onto the other side of the freeway, and I accelerated into the oncoming traffic. She stuck the shotgun out of the window, and amidst honks and swerving cars she randomly fired at tires.

Then, she laughed like a schoolgirl, pointed the shotgun in my face, and pulled off a round. I didn't give a shit as my face was ripped away, because I knew something that she didn't.

I laughed at her, and picked off the loose bits of flesh which were still clinging to my face. "What the hell, its a party, right?" I said, and ripped off the rest of my false visage.

I looked at her from empty eyesockets with my handsome bleach-white skull, and laughed. "I'm dead, baby! Call the mortuary!" I cackled, swerving across the divider again and back onto the "proper" side of the interstate.

I didn't quite understand the look of terror on her face, but I figured she just needed another drink, so I handed her the bottle.

Her face twitched, turned to a wild grin, and she laughed, laughed, and laughed. "You're dead! Holy shit!"

"Yeah," I said, laughing, "well, more precisely, I'm Death."

"Well," she said, still laughing and drinking, "what does that make ME?"

I grinned, even though my face didn't show any other expression. "What does that make YOU? Some drunk whore I picked up on the way back home from collecting a life."

The road opened up before us, and I drove straight on into the fire and brimstone.

 

Ask Dr. Corwin
(by Corwin)

Send your questions to Dr. Corwin c/o mckeej@empnet.com.

Question from The Tank: "Doctor, who comes up with your questions?"

Answer: Well, since so much of my immense brain power goes into creating the answers, I've had to contract the question writing to a special think-tank of monkeys. These are no ordinary monkeys, mind you! They're FLYING MONKEYS, and they're VERY FAST.

Question from Poddy Mouth: "If I poop, then I eat the poop, and then I poop it out again, and continue this process, will I eventually create the UberSheist originally dreamed of by Nietzsche?"

Answer: That's disgusting.

Question from Studboy: "Yo deres dis chic fly motha wit da hoe down turbo reset fan, shaw she burns da wood, dokta!"

Answer: I've already answered the Pez question, but in case you've forgotten - All Pez was created during a four-week period by the CIA, and was laced with LSD. The original plan was to create Manchurian Candidates (brainwashed assassins, such as Lee Harvey Oswald and Sirhan Sirhan) who would believe their orders came from the candy-dispensing head. SERVE the head. The HEAD is GOOD. The plan backfired, and most of the would-be candidates spent their final days desperately trying to squeeze out another log for the Porcelin Goddess.

Question from Suzie Creamcheese: "Dr. Corwin, is there any end to your amazing wit?"

Answer: What's got into you, Suzie Creamcheese? I sharpen my wits with a "whit stone" daily, but not on Tuesdays because on Tuesdays I use two, unless its the second Tuesday of the third month, that's when I summon the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard Crowley and channel his grim will into answers for this column. Then I usually get together with some excavators and discuss ways of turning my microwave into a particle accelerator. To answer your question: Yes, Suzie. Yes, there is.

 

Horoscopes
(by Buttock)

Aries (March 21-April 19): This will prove to be a very exciting day. You will wake up at some point between 6:00 and 6:30 a.m. Over the course of the day, you will breathe approximately 21,600 times. Delegate.

Taurus (April 20-May 30): Your soul mate, who most likely resembles either O.J. Simpson or a bowl of lime green jell-o, will offer you one fourth of a cup of syrup. Accept it; after all, it does contain 59 grams of carbohydrates.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): With Pluto in your 32nd house, you must be wary of contracting hand-foot disease, a viral disease caused by a Coxsackeivirus, which spreads rampantly in close quarters. A cat is involved.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Focus on explosive devices, aeronautical engineering, and nuclear physics. You will spend most of your day cooking large amounts of soup in an oversized shoe box, but do not forget to water your garden.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Today is a wonderful day for growing gourds and eating hot peppers. Making salsa with your great uncle is optional. 3 Scorpios, 2 Libras, 4 Capricorns, and 17 Aquarians are involved.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Analyze information concerning the delivery of a couch to your next door neighbors. If they try getting it into the house by way of the chimney, a change of residence is suggested.

Libra (September 23-October 22): At the dinner table, don’t be afraid to shout out, "Could we not get married?" Chances are, your family will be so bereaved over your poor, degenerating mental condition, that they will forget to pile on that extra helping of meatloaf.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Your kind of day. You’ll break the middle toe on your right foot, attempt to open the locker next to yours for 15 minutes, and accidentally staple three of your fingers together. You’ll exude sex appeal.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Things are not as they appear. Check the plumbing in your office building. If water begins spurting everywhere, it’s working fine. If all you hear is a distant gurgling, it’s time to begin taking calcium supplements.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Attention revolves around bath tubs, potatoes, and New Age music. Indian chants will help bring you closer to your inner self, as does slicing open the abdomen. Cancer involved.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Moon position highlights yellow dishes, romance, and the letters S, A, and R. Your basement is not expected to flood anytime soon; however, this does not give you permission to giggle with your best friend’s special someone. Beans involved.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Let go of burdens you should have 5 years ago. Split logs in the morning, churn butter in the afternoon, and bake cookies in the evening. Remember: pancake mix is not a good substitute for flour.

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