Issue
Message
(by RevBade)
Well, to start off I must get this outta the
way. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday
dear me, happy birthday to me! YAY! I finally caught up with my
friends!
So now that I have made sure that all of you
know that TODAY is my birthday, I can get on with this.
I had written up something about the HOS
interview, but after reading it over I decided to skip putting it
in, as it would most likely piss a lot of people off. So instead
I am just gonna give you a real quick explanation for the
interview.
As you know, I had refused an interview in the
past, and I had good reasons. I still have good reasons for why I
shouldn’t’ have done the interview, and why that is a
one time only thing that will NEVER be repeated. However, the
reason why I agreed to do the interview this time is a good one.
I am hoping that all of you have read some of John Mack’s
articles. (Even though that means <shiver> reading the HOS)
If you have, then you most likely would agree with me that he is
a strongly opinionated writer. And that my friends, is what we
need to see more of in The Plug. So, I made a deal with John,
that in exchange for an interview he would write for The Plug. So
that is what happened. We shook on it, and I came through with my
part of the bargain. Now we just have to wait back and see if he
is a man of his word.
Why is
The Plug still here?
(by Corwin)
"Yes, I'll have 16 articles for you from
West Albany!"
That's what someone said to me back in 1994,
shortly before Vol. 1 Issue 5 of The Plug came out. I waited
until the last minute - I told people at CHS not to write too
much stuff, 'cause West Albany was going to have a bunch for me.
I waited until the VERY LAST SECOND for West Albany to get their
articles to me.
Not a single one came in.
I was already committed to making a three page,
double-sided issue of The Plug. Thus, the infamous "Jack
Handy Quote" issue was born, containing three pages of
"Jack Handy" quotes (from Saturday Night Live).
When someone promises to write an article for
The Plug, they need to realize that this paper isn't done for
FUN. Its done to give CHS students a VOICE. Sure, up until now it
has been hokey and full of weird humor, but The Plug was
originally very political. Just check out the very first issue on
our web site, www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/5205. There is a
very potent article by Yoshi in there. As soon as I get the other
early issues on-line, you newcomers will start to see just how
"ha ha, only serious" we started out as.
Many of you might not realize it, but back when
509J wanted to CHARGE for CREDITS, The Plug and The High-O-Scope
worked together to attack this. The High-O-Scope ran a facts-only
news article, co-authored by myself and a HOS staff member, and
The Plug ran a gigantic opinion article on it. Thanks to the team
effort, and the outstanding efforts of other CHS students,
including Jessie Liebowitz (truly sorry if I misspelled that),
the school board's decision was REVERSED - DESPITE then-super
intendant Bruce Harter telling us that we COULDN'T MAKE A
DIFFERENCE.
That's why The Plug is really here. To make a
difference. Its a powerful forum waiting for its next cause. I
start to wonder if today's CHS students even remember how to
WRITE. I know that when I went to CHS, the administration was
constantly making stupid decisions. It honestly seemed as though
the school board would get together and say, "what's the
DUMBEST thing we can do?". They'd vote, something completely
idiotic would come into existence, and then they'd have to take
it back, BECAUSE OF STUDENTS LIKE YOU.
Yes, YOU.
THEY read this. YOU read this. If you want them
to know that YOU think they're MORONS, then you need to pick up
that pencil and write it down! If you think that you can't make a
difference, even on something as simple as "no sitting in
the halls during class", then you're DEAD WRONG.
How many students are actually IN FAVOR of that
rule?
Why GUESS? Why not MAKE A SURVEY. Make a
PETITION. Did you know that it is AGAINST THE RULES to PETITION
on school grounds? Did you know that it is AGAINST THE RULES for
this publication to even exist?
Do you know WHY the school hasn't put a stop to
The Plug? Because if they did, they'd only make it STRONGER.
Don't you watch The X-Files?
So, get OFF your ASS and FIND OUT. Spend the
TWO MINUTES it takes to write up "SHOULD WE BE ALLOWED TO
SIT IN THE HALLS DURING CLASS?" on pieces of paper. Give
these to your friends, and have them get their friends to sign
them. Get signatures from EVERY STUDENT AT CHS. And then,
photocopy those pages and SUBMIT THEM to the administration, with
a well-written letter (get one of your AP English buddies to
write it).
They can't ignore that.
A Very
Special Ask Dr. Corwin
(by Corwin)
My personal stand on doctor assisted suicide is
this: If someone is diagnosed as terminally ill, they should have
the option of receiving help in ending their life.
I suspect that the people who would choose to
receive assisted suicide would also commit suicide on their own;
If they would not do so, then they should not seek assistance.
I'm not terribly passionate about this issue.
What I am angry about is that, after approval by a majority vote,
a measure which has been passed into law can be PUT ON HOLD by a
minority group. By definition, those who put forth measure 51 are
a MINORITY. If they were anything else, measure 16 would not have
passed.
This is WRONG, and it is one of the more
visible rips in the thin fabric of modern American
"democracy". The issue of doctor assisted suicide has
nothing to do with this. This is an issue of a minority group
attempting to impose its beliefs on the majority.
I'm not a real doctor, but I play one in an
underground paper. (I do, incidentally, have a Doctorate in the
Forbidden Sciences, but that's for another column).
Now, onto the questions and answers.
Question from Jesus: "Doctor
Corwin, I'm terribly concerned. Why are things like abortion and
doctor assisted suicide causing such trouble down there?"
Answer: "Its not the issues. There
may be a few people who feel strongly about the issues, strongly
enough to speak out and act. But the majority of people who 'act
out' on these issues are doing so because they THINK they think.
They THINK that they THINK that they have an opinion. They're
just as bad as Princess Di fans, Groupies, UFO nuts, Starbucks
fanatics, and 'New Age' freaks. They want to belong, so they
clamp onto the ones who ARE serious, the ones who DO have strong
feelings, the ones who DO speak out and who DO act. Notice the
word 'DO' here? These hordes of idiots who clog the airwaves with
their dribble are a PERVERSION of TRUE PASSION, and should be the
FIRST against the WALL."
Question from God: "I don't like my
job, but a lot of people tell me, 'God, you don't have a choice.
You have to keep on being God.' Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson,
and their buddies up here put together this Democratic Nation of
Heaven thing a few years back. Well, I put forth a bill which
would allow me to quit my job. It was passed, but because of
"new evidence" brought forth from some snooty 'I love
God more than you do' bozos, my bill is on HOLD! I can't quit!
How can this be right?"
Answer: "We have a similar problem
down here, big guy. But you're God. Why are you asking ME? Maybe
you should start bumping off people who try to force their
beliefs onto others. You know, smite them or something. Give them
chronic diarrhea. I'm sure You can think of something. Can't
you?"
Studboy's
Guide to Eating Out
(by Studboy)
Yo, word up G! Yo lifes gotta be bettah afta
all dis advice fro mah studly self, but I ain't said nutin 'bout
da eatin out!
Afta mah bitchin poem yall thinks dat I talks
bout sometin sexy wit dis but yo pervs gotta take mah writing
seriously. Dis is bout food, not yo backseat antics.
Tacos burn da wood, but you gots ta be careful
cus someah dese fancy ass taco joints, dey reuse da ingredients!
Boogers an flemgh on da platters get dumped inta da sauce!
Burgers, ah, dis my fro, word G homie.
Chinese is da shit, but somah dem use da
massage oh somtin an dat makes yo balls itch.
Now ya ready ta grub wit yo chick.
Yeehaw
(by Deckard)
Rise before the smoky dawn,
slap on spurs, tread on brown lawn.
Climb up and in muddy wheels of destruction,
unzip bandit pants, grab mister reproduction.
Turn on golden tunes of country fare,
prop heeled boots, let out some air.
Up and down to buxom bull-titted lasses,
out fast and hard, thick as molasses.
Start that rig, leave tracks far and wide,
chew stains the seat, plush becomes hide.
He knows where he is, definitely no doubt,
how the west was won: the invention of this clout.
generic
title for a generic opinion
(by Doc Shasta)
Hello boys and girls! Can you say school pride?
Sure, I knew you could. And do you know what it is? Do you know
why the vast majority of CHS students has it? Well then could you
explain it to me because I am simply baffled and befuddled by it.
I mean don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be going to school and
well, CHS suites most of my needs as far as a school goes, but
what I want to know is why is it before every major football game we indulge
ourselves in some ritual designed to boost pride for our school
and hatred for other schools? In case you don't know what I'm
talking about, one example would be the senseless destruction of
a Volkswagen Rabbit last week. As I recall, it had phrases such
as "GO CV" and "CV ROX" spray painted on it.
In the end, it was ripped to pieces and eventually tipped over by
some of the, shall we say "militant", members of the
crowd that had gathered for the impending destruction. I have to
say I was part of this group of not so innocent bystanders. Also,
it was amusing and well worth standing in the rain to see, but
really, aside from getting attention in the local newspaper
giving us yet another excuse for senseless violence, what's the
point? How does this relate to a football game with CV? Has our
school evolved to the point where watching flying blue apes run
around with spears whilst making attacks against German cars for
half an hour is necessary to win something as trivial as a sporting event? Now I don't want to change these
rituals we have adopted because as we all know, they're a very
good way to get out of class work, but really! If YOU understand
the value of them, could you please explain it to me? Anyways,
that brings my shoddy excuse for an article to a close. I'll
seeya at the next game!
Fool
Proof
(by Lady Smooth)
Seniorities? Wand an escape from all your
stressors? But there are way to many things that you have to be
responsible about. How about having a full class schedule? Or
prior obligations that you have booked full from now till
Christmas? The best escape is escaping. Has going on a roadtrip
always been a topic of conversation for you? Then DO IT! We live
in the little village of cow-town aka Corvallis. But there are
tons of places to go. Sure, Eugene and Salem get boring, then
Portland becomes typical. Go somewhere you’ve always wanted.
This is a guaranteed de-stressor and laugh a minute if you do it
right. You parental units probably wont agree with this, but
they’ll forgive you and life will go on. But you’ll
always have a unique authentic memory of your wild days. So enjoy
it now. Break free like me, and go to Seattle and San Francisco
in a period of 3 weeks!
Humor
is the drug
(by Deckard)
I should begin this blurb by mentioning I am an
ex CHS student. High school wasn’t a pleasant experience for
me. I didn’t smoke the bong or breed crack babies, I was
just antisocial and reclusive beyond healthy measure. I’m
still that way today to a certain extent. There’s a saving
grace in my life today: humor.
I’m not one of those people that can laugh
at myself or my mistakes (yet). However, it is appropriate and
just for me to laugh at others or perhaps even with them. One
night, I was riding back seat with Paradox and Corwin in
Paradox’s gutless wonder. Corwin spotted one deserted bike
seat in a parking lot, grabbed it, and proceeded to hang out the
window, shouting at passersby "Seat!!!" At the time, it
wasn’t funny to me. Recluse angst setting in! Then I was
like, "Well, Corwin looks like a schlong, the bike seat is
in desperate need of repair and Paradox drives so poorly even the
orientals honk at him." All at once it was deviously
hilarious.
Some people in today’s country are too
bastardly serious. Loan officers at banks, Congressional aides,
conspiracy enthusiasts, militia men, lesbian chic and vampires; a
really good lay or some Walt Whitman in the springtime is the
remedy.
I’m working on laughing at myself. I
believe I’ve broken the first boundary of anal
retentiveness. Whenever I see or hear something that just
doesn’t "seem right" or "fit in place"
like a Beck video, random honking and flashing headlights of
oncoming cars or a bum on the verge of philosophical discovery, I
freak out. "YEEEAAAHH!" My body will spasm, I’ll
throw my hat in the air, and take off! Where to? Everywhere and
nowhere.
So, at the rate I’m improving, I’ll
be the head high overlord of social perfection in due time. Jim
Morrison once said at a concert, "I wanna get my kicks
before the whole shithouse goes up in flames." The flames
are spreading, good people, and we all should have a good time
before it’s gone for good.
BULLSHiT.
(by Jesse Helms)
The women's rights 'movement' has been fighting
for decades. And what for? Respect. Women get less respect for
myriad reasons, many of which ARE THEIR OWN FAULT. I know, this
is a heretic thing to say in this day and age, where people are
happy pulling the wool over their eyes and ignoring their
problems. 'Mabye by changing our definitions, we can solve the
problem without changing anything! Wow!' The truth is, femininity
and women's lib hasn’t really gone anywhere, and has
actually led to more injustice than anything else. Somehow,
people seem to believe that since there was a 'Women's Movement'
at some point in history, that things are equal now. They
aren’t. Women get paid less, educated less, and are the
subject of abuse much more than people realize. People say,
"I already know that!"
So then you just don’t care, right?
Look at our society. What does a man do when he
is being strong and self-reliant? He kicks some ass. What does a
woman do? She conquers her HAIR. She takes control... Of CLEAR
SKIN! Now if that isn’t bullshit, what is? This is not the
way it has to be, it is not the way it should be. But that is the
way it is. And how is this changing? Good question.
Of course guys think that feminine girls are
CUTE, but they don’t respect them for it. Think about
femininity. It is about frailty and softness. It all suggests
compliance, innocence, and vulnerability. Revealing clothes,
frilly dresses, etc. Shaving legs; this originated in France,
where WHORES would shave their legs in order to seem more like
YOUNG GIRLS. What here is worthy of respect? What is the purpose
for spending all that time and money on makeup and clothing
except to PLEASE others? It seems like the more 'liberated' women
get, the more vulnerable and compliant they get... Skin tight
clothes, short skirts, WonderBra's(tm). Yeah girls, men HATE it
when you dress in REVEALING clothing. No, really, I mean it. How
is this changing? What if I told you it is getting WORSE? What
would you do?
The funny thing is that since we have been
given a glimpse of exceptionally strong women on TV, we have
somehow assured ourselves that things are different now... That
everything is fine now. Its the NINETIES, right? We are
civilized, egalitarian, and informed! We don’t judge!
Don’t kid yourself. We only abolished legalized racism (also
known as APARTHEID in some places) in this country 30 years ago.
Slavery was still very much in effect almost 100 years after it
was 'officially ended'. We are only the second generation to live
without segregation. We are only the second generation to live
without the Donna Reid/Father Knows Best family. 2 generations.
Think about that.
But of course, me saying this makes me
misogynistic and biased, right? Of course. No one wants things to
change. How goddamned convenient. Yeah, maybe I’m no one to
judge these things. Maybe things aren’t so bad, and maybe I
have a distorted and inaccurate view of things. Maybe we
shouldn’t change things, we should let everything else
change us... Yeah, maybe.
BULLSHiT!
Red-Neck
Pick-Up Lines
(by Hank and Jim)
10. If beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
then what the hell is this stuff made with?
9. If you ask some women they say 8 seconds
just isn’t enough.
8. Do you wash those pants with Windex? Because
I can see myself in them.
7. Do you have any German in ya’? would
you like some?
6. Mine’s a two-tone.
5. Hey Sis!
4. You should come over to my place, it’s
got a bench, a bed that never has to be made, and four big tires.
3. Hey, wanna see me put a whole can of
Copenhagen in my mouth?
2. Hey baby, wanna see my belt buckle?
1. You come to the family reunion often?
P-Chan’s Ideas
(by P-Chan)
You know how I said in my last article that one
day we will all bow down to little white cars and little red
pickups? Well I was wrong. Here’s the real story:
Scientists, right now, in secret laboratories
hidden beneath Disney Land are working to come up with the cure
for death. Once they do they will thaw out Walt Disney,
administer the cure, and take him to a secret base hidden in the
South Caribbean. There he will begin training troops dressed in
Mickey Mouse costumes for world domination!
So you’d better try your mouse ears on,
and start memorizing the script to "The Lion King"
because one day we will all hale Emperor Disney! Long live the
mouse!
Anyway, onto a happier note. Many of you may
already know that our school beet CV at the football game on
Friday, and the soccer game on Saturday! YAY! But I think
it’s time for a change, all this school spirit is great, but
we need something else. I propose a new mascot for CHS. We should
become the Corvallis High School fighting Smurfs!!
Just think about it, each little team or
activity at CHS could have their own smurf. The cheerleaders
could be the Smurfettes, the football players could be the Hefty
Smurfs, the tech classes could be Handy Smurfs etc. And we
wouldn’t even have to change our school colors. Everyone
would know the words to the fight song: La la la la la la la la
la la la, and we could even keep the Spartan, and have
co-mascots. Smurfs could be our unofficial mascots just to go
with our colors. I don’t know about you, but I think
it’d be cool!
