#089 25th October 96 Balloons to Heaven
#089 25th October 96 I know the answer, Sir!
#090 28th October 96 Chim Chim Cheroo
#090 28th October 96 When I'm gone
#090 28th October 96 Unwelcomed Attentions
#091 29th October 96 Those damn moths
#091 29th October 96 The genie from the shell
#091 29th October 96 I want to confess
#091 29th October 96 Not with my wife
#092 30th October 96 The farmer, his son and the vicar
#092 30th October 96 Howdy there Pardner
#093 31st October 96 Fangs for the memory
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Here's the Jokes
A young boy was taking a bath with his mother.
He couldn't help but notice her breasts and asked
what they were. Mother had no time for a long
explanation and said "They are my balloons, dear,
which will inflate when I die and carry me to
Heaven, where I'll meet God".
Weeks later, the small boy ran out into the garden
during a barbecue:"Dad, Dad! Mum's dying!"
"Why ever do you say that, Johnny?"
"Because Uncle Harry's lying on top of her blowing
up her balloons and she's shouting 'Oh God, I'm coming!
A family from the inner city had just moved into one
of the posh suburbs of Greater London.
The mother was very worried that her son would be the
brunt of poor people jokes so she asked her son to be
especially attentive and try to answer all his teachers
questions at his new posh school.
The son came home from his first day at school all
excited. His Mom asked what all the excitement was about.
He answered "Mom, you remember you told me to pay
attention. Well the teacher asked the class a question
and I was the only one who knew the answer!"
"*Really*", his Mom exclaimed, "What was the question?"
"Who farted? " the son proudly replied.
When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny
business, she moved out to Los Angeles. Using what
was left of her savings, she opened up a little
business fortune-telling. She did palm reading, tea-
leaves, runes and tarot cards.
However after a couple of weeks, she noticed that
nearly every customer that had come into her shop
suffered from bad breath. Well, this was getting her
down, so she rung up her supplier to arrange for a
delivery of mouthwash. This way she could help her
clients and diversify.
She would also need a new
sign for her shop to let people know of the new
service. So she sent for LA's finest signwriter to
do her a new sign which he quickly did.
It read ....
"Super California Mystic - Expert: Halitosis."
A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you
marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
A middle aged woman and her husband visit a disco,
just to remember what it used to be like. After a
few dances they sit down at the side to recuperate.
After a few minutes, a man comes over and asks the
woman to dance. She is rather flattered and with
an approving glance from her husband, accepts the
invitation.
Well, after a few minutes bopping, the man leans
over to her and says, "You know, I think you're
really good looking, could I kiss you please ?"
The woman is rather taken aback and replies,
"Certainly not - I'm a married woman and that's my
husband over there."
The music continues, and after another few minutes
the man leans over again and says, "I really do
think that you're the most attractive woman I've
seen for ages, could I feel your breasts please ?"
By now the woman is getting angry, and replies
"Of course not, what sort of person do you think
I am ?"
They continue dancing, and after a little while
longer the man leans over for a third time and says
"I think you're so lovely that I'd like to turn you
upside down, fill you with Guinness and drink it."
The woman is completely shocked, slaps the man in
the face and goes back to her husband.
"Do you know what that man wanted to do to me?"
she asked him, "he wanted to kiss me."
"What ??" exclaimed her husband.
"And that's not all, he wanted to feel my breasts as
well" she continued.
Husband gets up - "Where is he ? I'll show him, I'll
knock his block off."
"And there's more," said his wife. "He wanted to
turn me upside down, fill me with Guinness and drink
it."
Her husband immediately sits down again. "What are
you sitting down for?" she asked, "I thought you
were going to go and sort him out ?"
"You must be joking," her husband replied. "I'm
not messing with anyone that can drink sixteen
pints of Guinness !!"
Arriving home early one afternoon, a man
found his wife lying naked in the bedroom.
Gazing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet
protruding from under the curtains.
"Who the h**l are you?" he yelled as he
whipped the curtains back.
"I'm from the Government," replied the quick-
witted man. "I'm a moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing stark-naked?"
"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed, glancing down. "I'm too late."
There's this really beautiful woman who's very shy
and has never had a boyfriend. Every year she goes
on holiday by herself to a tiny island to collect
rare and exotic shells. One day whilst on holiday
she is walking down the beach collecting shells,
when she looks up and spots a guy about a hundred
yards away who starts walking over towards her.
He has the perfect physique, very muscular,
V shaped torso the lot. The only thing is he has a
very small peanut head.
He walks up to her and asks what she is doing,
and she explains that she enjoys collecting rare
and exotic shells. By coincidence he is on holiday
doing the exact same thing, collecting shells.
They start getting along great and end up spending
the next few days meeting up and collecting shells
together. The fact that this guy has a very small head
start to play on her mind and she really wants to
ask him why his head is so small.
After a few days they have been getting along so
well, she finally plucks up the courage and asks him
"Why have you got such a small head?"
He tells her about his holiday last year on a
deserted island: he was walking down the beach when
he found a stunning massive shell covered in sand.
He dusted the sand off and out popped a gorgeous
naked lady genie, (looked like Sharon Stone etc).
The lady genie granted him one wish for freeing her
from the shell. He stood there thinking what he could
use his wish for, but he couldn't stop looking at the
lady genie. "The only thing I would like to wish for
is to have sex with you."
"I'm sorry but I can't grant you that wish" said
the genie.
"How about a little head then" he replied.
An elderly man walked into the church and took
a seat in a confessional.
"Father," he said, "I am making love twice a
day to an eighteen-year-old girl."
"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I caught my wife screwing my
best friend."
"That's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Pedigree Chum."
The farmer tells his son to go out in the back
pasture and watch the bull and then come and tell
him when he services the white cow.
The farmer goes back to the house to find the
vicar and his wife have dropped in unexpectedly.
He makes tea and is sitting down with them when the
son bursts in.
"Dad, the bull's f**ked the Brown cow!".
The vicar's wife heard the son's language and asked
"What did he say?" To cover up the farmer said "He
said the brown cow bucked."
So the farmer took the son aside and told him to go
watch the bull and let him know when he serviced the
*white* cow. "But son when you come back tell me the
bull 'surprised' the white cow, and I'll know what
you mean."
A little while later the son runs up excitedly and
the farmer is prepared to avert another disaster.
He says "Don't tell me son, the bull 'surprised' the
white cow."
"He sure did, he f**ked the brown cow again!"
A cowboy rides into town and decides to pull his
horse up to the local saloon to have a few drinks.
The bartender sees him through the window as the
cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to the hitching
post in front of the bar. He then walks behind the
horse, lifts its tail, puckers up, and kisses the horse
smack on the a**e.
The bartender is watching this happen it total
amazement. The cowboy walks into the bar and grabs
a stool at the bar. The bartender says to the cowboy,
"Hey stranger, why did you kiss your horse there?".
The cowboy responds by saying, "I have chapped lips".
The bartender says, "I don't understand. How does
kissing your horse on the a**e help your chapped lips?".
"Well, at least I don't lick them anymore!"
Dracula and Frankenstein walking down one of the backroads of Elkscrow,
Transylvania, when Dracula trips over a fallen log and goes *SPLAT* on the
ground.
Frankenstein picks him up and brushes him off.
"You know Frankie, you're better than all of my
friends put together....In fact you *are* all of
my friends put together."
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