The Toaster Page
The toaster! What a godsend to all us mere mortals. You put all sorts of bread
in, press the switch and in a short while out pops the toast.
Now the current crop of toaster manufacturers seem to be doing a bang up job, but
what if the computer industry turns their hands to the great browning miracle.
Well this is what someone else figured and they created a humourous article about
what toasters made by large computer manufactures would be like. Great merryment
was had by one and all.
Well the hUMouR Line, never being one to avoid a bandwagon, presents its
evergrowing List of "If so and so made toasters"...
Click here to return to the menu page.
If Mattel made toasters...
They'd be 4 inches high plastic look-a-likes with fully posable toast loading arm and loadable toast slices. They'd come complete with a collectable fact card. Oh and they'd be called something like "Toaster in my Pocket".
OR..
They'd make great toast AND afterwards you come open them out into fully movable giant robot-like creatures that defend the Earth from the evil forces of Lord Zarrgghh and the Crap-o-trons.
If AOL made toasters...
You'd get them free on the front of every magasine allowing you 10 slices of free toast. However you'd have to give them your credit card details before you actually got any. When you actually use it, you end up quickly using your 10 free slices and having to pay 1.95 for every other piece of toast that month.
If your local double glazing company made toasters...
Firstly they send one of their salesmen round who would tell you all about their 20 years experience in the toaster business, would show you a cross-section of the toaster indicating the security and heat retaining aspects of the toaster before measuring up your kitchen so that the toaster can be expertly fitted. He'd then refuse to leave until you'd signed up for a toaster, food processor and a coffee percolator. Then six weeks after paying a huge deposit, two guys who would give a short plank a run for its money come round and knock seven bells out of your kitchen whilst fitting the said toaster.
That just leaves the 10 year credit deal to worry about!
If Jason (from the Friday the 13th films) made toasters...
They'd wait until your girlfriend said "Hey Randy, let's go down into dark abandoned dangerous looking cellar and do some serious necking" and after you'd gone down it would strike, impaling your girlfriend through the eyeball with a sharpened piece of toast so that she pinned to the wall with gallons of blood spraying everywhere while simultaneously beheading you with a razor edged crumb tray so that your body went all limp (bet you weren't expecting that to happen when you went down there).
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread until it pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the BBC made toasters...
You'd have to buy an annual license to use them and the piece of toast you get out would be a repeat of one you saw last month.
If Walkers made toasters...
It wouldn't matter how they worked, they'd still sell because that nice Gary Linneker would do the TV adverts.
If Manchester Utd made toasters...
It'd be a nice grey colour but you'd never be able to find it. So their managing director would simply change the colour schemes forcing retailers to sell the old ones at knock down prices. They'd also produce a terrible whining noise whilst making the toast.
If the local bus company made toasters...
You'd wait ages for a slice.. then suddenly three would pop out at once.
If MI5 (Q) made toasters...
They'd be brilliant, a flame thrower would shoot out and toast the bread. There'd be a
secret compartment with a pull out knife for the spreading. There'd also be a garrote wire
for slicing the cheese and finally a laser beam for cutting the slice in half. Oh and if anybody else tried to use it, then it would self-destruct and blow them up!