Here's another offering from our merry band of contributors

• 10> It's the three young sparrows chirping for worms on top of their head that gives them away.
• 9> As a generality, you weren't aware that Brycream smelt exactly the same as chip fat
• 8> He's wearing his wife's wig and hasn't noticed
• 7> Yesterday they left work a bright and cheerful brunette, today they arrived as a dumb blonde.
• 6> Although he's sat in the next desk to you for the last 5 years, you greeted him with a "Good Morning, Jane".
• 5> She comes into work with her pony tail tucked into the back of her knickers
• 4> It's 3pm and she still hasn't realised that all the snickering is because she left a comb stuck in the back of her hair.
• 3> You complement them on their new Winter gloves only they're not wearing any.
• 2> Their hair is currently on the floor behind their chair, and they haven't noticed as yet.
• 1> The paper bag over the head is a dead give away

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• 10> Who needs an excuse!!!!
• 9> I wanted to read the jokes before they came onto the humour line.
• 8> Someone told me it was a do-it-yourself magazine.
• 7> You were only reading the article on the caring man.
• 6> I'm a Geology student and it's the best place to see Silicon in its' raw natural state.
• 5> "By having to reach up to the top shelf I am exercising my frozen Shoulder"
• 4> "It's easier to brush swatted flies off the glossy cover"
• 3> Cos I'm too embarrassed to buy "Big Fat Soapy Girls" monthly.
• 2> The bird on the centre pages has the biggest &%@£s you've ever seen.
• 1> Hide your copy of 'Trainspotters weekly' inside it to read without embarrassment.

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• 10> Star Trek 90210
• 9> Star Trek - The Final Episode
• 8> Beam Me Up Scotty (Ouch)
• 7> What do you mean, Kirk's not in this one either?
• 6> To Baldly Go
• 5> Sex kittens of Tau Ceti VI
• 4> 4 Warp drives and a funeral
• 3> Star Trek - The Trouble with Toupees
• 2> Borgspotting
• 1> Carry On Warping

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• 10> Boxing Day renamed Post Christmas Sales Day
• 9> Christmas fairy light display spells out the message "Shop at Safeway"
• 8> The average hour on television now consists of 45 minutes of advertising to 15 mins programming.
• 7> Department store Santa now gives Customer 'Rewards' points
• 6> The local toy store is sponsoring the church service
• 5> You see your first Xmas shop display and it's only September the 8th
• 4> The vicar is plugging a CD of rap carols
• 3> Forget Disney, forget Wallace & Grommit, forget Dennis the Menace.. You now get America-on-line Christmas Crackers. Each cracker includes a snap, a novelty (an AOL CD and 10 free hours of internet access) and a motto ("Join now an get 10 free hours Internet access)
• 2> The Church is offering 3 services for the price of 2
• 1> "Let Santa grant your every wish, call one of his grown-up female helpers on 0891 696969"

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• 10> Celebrity Subbuteo - Frank Bruno vs Dame Edna Everage
• 9> Rainbow - the Early Years
• 8> Anything with the Royal family in it.
• 7> Supermarket sweep - a feature length version (after all the queues are always longer with it being Xmas!)
• 6> Eastenders - The Movie
• 5> Sports Review of the Year 1973 (repeat)
• 4> Survival special: The plight of the Turkey
• 3> Manchester Utd - A tribute by the fans (including live input from Exeter, Gillingham, Norwich, Land's End, John O Groats, Glasgow and Cork.
• 2> Pavarotti sings "I should be so lucky" and other Kylie hits
• 1> ITV's big Xmas match special - Evesham Town vs Maidenhead Wanderers

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• 10> No more standing on cold railway platforms in the snow
• 9> Because when the boss tells you not to bother taking your coat off - you'll be glad because it's quite cold at Xmas
• 8> At least you got some cards this year.
• 7> You don't have to suffer the canteen christmas meal.
• 6> The "Wife & three kids to support" sign has a reasonable chance of good returns.
• 5> The Dole Office has put on it's nativity display.
• 4> There are plenty of Jobs on offer: Holiday Postman, Shelf stacker at Toys R Us
• 3> You get a 'Santa sack' to empty your desk into.
• 2> If you're short of cash, at least there's a chance of getting sixpence from the Xmas Pud
• 1> At least there's something to watch on TV during the day.

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• 10> A DIY MANUAL - "50 years of Playboy?"
• 9> The hUMouR LiNe annual 1997 (available at all good bookshops £5.99)
• 8> The armchairs lovers guide to gardening
• 7> Any more joke books about being over 40, bald and fat especially when you're under 50, folically challenged and slightly portly.
• 6> How to enjoy yourself at XMAS
• 5> The Blue Crayon is Out There: The official X-files colouring-in book
• 4> "Having friends for dinner" by Hannibal Lecter
• 3> The Man Utd road atlas of GB showing all of the routes to Old Trafford from Southampton, John O'Groats etc
• 2> 101 things to do with left over XMAS turkey
• 1> "Cooking for one", from your wife

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• 10> The music over the PA is not so much REM but R.I.P
• 9> The company cars in the the car park all appear to be elongated black hatchbacks
• 8> The only spirits available turn out to be embalming fluid.
• 7> You were supposed to be going to the unvieling of the new Man Utd kit but with all the black being worn you just might be.
• 6> Giveaway gifts include a coffin on a keyring
• 5> The landscape gardeners you hired, all they did was dig a big six foot hole in your garden
• 4> You see a sign offering cut-price memory and it turns out to be 50% off headstones.
• 3> You always wondered why that trade-price kayak had a padded silk lining and a screw-down lid.
• 2> The only software package on offer is SimCemetry (TM)
• 1> Judging by the dolly birds the only stiffy you'll see will be in a pine box

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• 10> Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
• 9> Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
• 8> Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
• 7> Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
• 6> Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except UKGOLD.
• 5> Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
• 4> Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kellog's Pop Tarts.
• 3> Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
• 2> Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on top".
• 1> Saucer section separates whenever ship makes a left.

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• 10> Divers don’t get mad when you notice they’ve put on weight.
• 9> Wet suits can be used more than once.
• 8> Fins give you more thrust.
• 7> You can dive with a group of strangers any time you want.
• 6> Regulators are balanced - it doesn’t matter how hard you suck.
• 5> The question "are you wet yet?" won’t get you slapped.
• 4> It’s not how long you can stay up - it’s how long you stay down.
• 3> Everybody gets to be on the bottom.
• 2> Divers don’t get worried when you ask if you can put the rubber suit on now.
• 1> EVERYTHING looks bigger underwater.

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