esterday was a very
productive day for me – a grand experiment in psychology and theology.
I woke up and swore to myself. Well, of course it was to myself, because
there was no one else there to swear to – my wife and baby are still out
visiting.
Mondays are always difficult for me – even more so than for most people.
Sundays are invariably long days – despite popular notion, I wake up on
Sundays earlier than any other day of the week – so by Monday morning,
I feel totally exhausted, and the thought of facing a job that I can barely
tolerate doesn’t help. So I swore to myself, spent five minutes trying
to find something to wear because I haven’t done laundry since my wife’s
plane took off -- and jumped in the shower.
I knew I was going to have a bad day. Something about it just
wasn't right. I felt like garbage, and didn't care if the whole world knew
it.
Sure enough, the morning was horrible. Work was boring, and everything
I did went wrong. I came home at lunch, expecting to find a message from
a company that was supposed to call me -- nothing.
Then my wife called. She wanted to see if anything was new on the job
front (of course, nothing was). She told me to call the company myself,
even though I was sure it would be a waste of time, that they weren't interested
in me anymore, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms.
I finally took her advice and called them. It seems that their HR department
has been in upheaval the past week or so, and that's why they haven't gotten
back to me. That got my hopes and spirits up, yes, but it also made me
feel like an idiot -- I keep saying how much faith I have and everything,
but I never believe that anything good could actually happen to me, that
I've been blessed enough by having a wonderful wife and son.
After that, the whole day went well. Things at work started working
correctly, and I was actually enjoying myself. I had hope, and optimism.
But nothing in my circumstances had really changed – as far as leads
go, I was no farther along than I was in the first place. All that had
changed was my outlook.
I have believed for years that eventually I’d get out of here, and into
a job and a location that I’d really enjoy, but nothing ever seemed to
happen. Even though I believed I had God on my side, I was starting to
doubt. Especially when a company who seemed really interested in me, and
who seemed (here we go again) to be the perfect fit, left me alone
for a week. Even though I was sure they hated me, that I was scum of the
earth to them, I decided to call – and there was a perfectly logical explanation
as to why they didn’t contact me. Now, they may still think I’m scum, but
the possibility is still open that they don’t. Actually, it may
be to my benefit for the whole process to be delayed a week or two.
In all this, God is probably laughing admirably at me, saying, "Just
wait – I’ll show him this time…."
've even tried out
my hypothesis this morning. Things were destined to go wrong when I woke
up, looked at the clock, and it said 9:22 AM. (Have I mentioned I hadn't
been sleeping very well lately? I think it has to do with how darn big
the bed is when you're by yourself….) I had been having a dream -- I was
playing baseball on the road in front of my parents' house, but somehow
it was for gym class. I think there were other parts to the dream, but
that's all I remember now. Anyway, instead of swearing (to myself) as I
got up, I just rushed into the shower, zoomed to work and made it there
not much later than 9:30. And nobody even noticed I had been missing --
which, for once, I considered a good thing.
