So it's like this:

I get off the phone with my kids-
An ex-good friend, Dan was in over this Spring Break that they had, visiting my ex, her boyfriend, my kids and my ex's and her boyfriend's one year old.

Dan was a friend in college, a closer friend when my marriage was breaking up- then something happened. What happened was that he had a crush on my ex's best friend. All the sudden I'm a bad person. Nevermind all that.

Dan comes into town- my ex still hangs up on me when I call from a phone number she doesn't know, since she wont answer the phone or let my kids answer from the two numbers I have at my disposal- Dan visits; my eldest, Soraya, tells me off all the places they went with Dan and what they did and bla-bla-bla...

They had a whole week off. Tomorrow's Easter. I still don't get to see them. I got to talk to them tonight. Don (the ex's boyfriend) answers the phone when I call. he says hello, turns to someone in the background (ex) and says at a distance, "Their father is on the phone. Let him talk to the girls." He's on my side.

I don't need to repeat the conversation with each of them. You can imagine the strangenesses- They love me, Mom says I'm a bad person, cant talk to or see them, they know better. It's all reserved- sometimes they are distant as Soraya was tonight- sometimes they are needful as Katie was- sometimes they are matter-of-fact as Samantha was ("Daddy, Mommy still hates you.")

My life makes no sense, there is no bearings here, no grounding- its a swirl of oddity, chance and deep dark blotches, like moments that I cant remember or grasp on to.

I can't make anything right, so I travel as best I can and sometimes as worst I can- sometimes dancing, sometimes falling.

I'm still here, I'm still breathing.

I'm not a very happy person and I miss my babies.

Happy Easter.

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