So there I was,

minding my own business, merrily floating about in a warm sea of amniotic fluid. Sure it was dark, increasingly cramped, and I had no access to TV, but it had central heating. Then, suddenly (well, over eight hours), I was squeezed and pushed until I finally squirted out of my little Eden. Someone immediately smacked me on the butt and cut off my foreskin. I didn't take me long to realize the horror of where I had actually spent most of my life until then. This was dwarfed only by the comprehension that I had fallen out of the pot and into the proverbial fire. I cried a lot.
The brief bliss I experienced starting New Year's Day on my grandparent's pull-out bed was abruptly ended on October 17th, 1973, when I was thrust into a cold world full of death, taxes, war, famine, ugly chicks, wasps, haggis, and Microsoft. Granted, Microsoft wasn't there yet, but it still sucks. Now I'm 24 and have spent my whole life trying to get back in to the place I spent 9 months getting out of. Uh...I don't mean that literally, of course. I wasn't raised in West Virginia.
No, I was raised in western Pennsylvania, first in Monongahela (south of Pittsburgh) then in New Castle (north of Pittsburgh). Go Steelers.
I had a pretty tough life growing up. My folks got into smack pretty heavy, so after the first month I had to start changing my own diapers. By five I had to start working in a steel mill at night after kindergarten in order to feed myself. Right around nine I developed a rather nasty drinking problem that resulted in a DUI and a barfight that cost me my left eye. I eventually made it to college, but found that the only way I could make ends meet was to sell body parts. So, over the course of the four years of college and one year at MBA school, I gave up a kidney, my other eye, most of my hair follicles, 20 feet of intestine, a lung, four teeth, a tanker truck of blood, and so much semen I've probably repopulated Rwanda personally. And now I'm in the UK for a semester. I won't tell you what I had to do to swing THAT deal. I'm all cleaned up now, though. I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I only hit the crack pipe a couple of times a day. I even found religion and became a card-carrying SubGenius. I'm in good health except for a bit of jaundice, herpes, rheumatoid arthritis, anemia, malaria, scurvy, and a limp.

Actually, most of that isn't true.

Vital Statistics and stuff

Height: 4 feet, 22 inches

Weight: 11 stone

Sex: A strapping young buck

Last time I scored: About three hours ago

Seriously: October 22, 1996 (And it wasn't that good, either)

Age: Older than I was when I started writing this

Sign: Yield

Pets: Tarantula named "Roger" and a Trouser Snake called "Master"

Ethnicity: English, Scottish, French, German, Swedish, Finnish, Austrian, Polish, Cherokee, and Yeti

Physical Appearance: Tall with broad, muscular shoulders and long brown hair; Stunningly handsome in a rugged kind of way; Looks sort of like Fabio except without the huge nose and the stupid accent. (Like ANYBODY tells the truth on these things!)

Most People Think I'm: A violent, sex-crazed maniac

But I'm Really: NICE, Goddammit!!!

Why Most People Don't Like Me: Jealousy, probably. Either that or I wear my jeans too tight and ol' Master scares them off.

Not Even My Friends Know This About Me: I killed a bunch of people once

Biggest Character Flaw: Oxygen Addiction

Biggest Mistake: Swimming so hard to get to that damn egg

Greatest Achievement: Winning the World Street Hockey Championship

Education: I gots the goodest brane munee kan bi

Hobbies: Computers, Reading, Plotting World Domination, Fiction Writing, Amateur Misanthropy

Favorite Philosopher(s): Calvin and Hobbes

Plans for the Future: Taxes and death (hopefully not in that order), global control, or in a bell tower with a clown suit and a high-power rifle.

This Would Be a Great Planet Except For: All the damn people

Turn ons: Hot chicks, walking in the rain, and sticking metal things into electric sockets.

Turn offs: Getting shot, being struck by lightning, and suffering the consequences of sticking metal things into electric sockets.

Directions for Use: Water several times daily, and feed at least three times daily. Keep at room temperature. Provide with facilities for waste. Do not store near open flame or in direct sunlight. Requires frequent attention from an attractive non-related female or will become morose and embittered. Do not taunt or expose to daytime television as contents are under pressure and may explode. Can perform household tasks, but doesn't like it.

Ingredients: Water, grade G meat (from concentrate), lead, motor oil, lard, fomaldahyde, partially hydrogenated turtle spit, snips, snails, plutonium, miscellaneous stuff, and love (an emulsifier).

I bet that you think that I'm pretty messed up, don't you? Well why don't you click here and find out why.

Until July 5, mediocretins...

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