I mean, the brochure made it look so good. They made it sound like wall-to-wall bikini chicks, all-football TV channels, and an endless all-you-can eat buffet. Instead, I get fat broads, soap operas, and Indian food. Worse yet, I got saddled with some poor genetic material, courtesy of all of my ancestors who no doubt conspired against me over generations. If I had known that, I would have never left my dad's nads.
I think I've done the best I could with what I have. I've got a marginally bearable job, some cool pets, a super chickfriend, and I still manage to squeeze in 5 hours of TV a day. Now that I stand on the very precipice of old age, staring down at the black oblivion that is 30, I guess I've done OK.
Height: 'Bout average
Weight: 'Bout average
Sex: I am of the gender blessed with the mighty penis
Last time I scored: A couple of days ago, probably.
Age: The current year is 29 J.E.
Sign: Libra (the COOLEST, by the way, if you believe in that crap)
Pets: Click here to see the entire menagerie.
Ethnicity: English, Scottish, French, German, Swedish, Finnish, Austrian, Polish, Cherokee, and Yeti
Physical Appearance: Tall with broad, muscular shoulders and long brown hair; Stunningly handsome in a rugged kind of way; Looks sort of like Fabio except without the huge nose and the stupid accent. (NOTE: Statements may be exaggerated)
Most People Think I'm: A violent, sex-crazed maniac
But I'm Really: NICE, Goddammit!!!
Why Most People Don't Like Me: Jealousy, probably. Either that or I wear my jeans too tight and ol' Master scares them off.
Not Even My Friends Know This About Me: I'm a very kind, sensitive person who uses my acidic wit and bitter outlook as a barrier to intimacy, but don't tell anybody.
Biggest Character Flaw: Oxygen Addiction
Biggest Mistake: Swimming so hard to get to that damn egg
Greatest Achievement: Overcoming almost 6 years of unintended celibacy
Education: More than I'll ever use, that's for sure.
Hobbies: Computers, Reading, Plotting World Domination, Fiction Writing, Amateur Misanthropy
Favorite Philosopher(s): Me, thanks for asking.
Plans for the Future: Taxes and death (hopefully not in that order), global control, or in a bell tower with a clown suit and a high-power rifle.
This Would Be a Great Planet Except For: All the damn people.
Turn ons: Hot chicks, walking in the rain, and sticking metal things into electric sockets.
Turn offs: Getting shot, being struck by lightning, and suffering the consequences of sticking metal things into electric sockets.
Directions for Use: Water and feed several times daily. Store at room temperature. Do not freeze. Requires frequent attention from an attractive non-related female or will become morose and embittered. Do not taunt or expose to daytime television as contents are under pressure and may explode. Not to be taken internally except by females who meet the government's HCC (Hot Chick Criteria).
Ingredients: Water, grade G meat (from concentrate), lead, motor oil, lard, fomaldahyde, partially hydrogenated turtle spit, snips, snails, plutonium, miscellaneous stuff, and love (an emulsifier).
I bet that you think that I'm pretty messed up, don't you? Well why don't you click here and find out why.
Until my REAL parents come to take me back home...
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