Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that 
they couldn't find a coffin big
enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.



There were two guys, and one day they found a whorehouse.
The first guy went in and then came out a few minutes later and
said "My wife is better"

Then the second guy goes in and comes out and says, "You know
what? Your wife IS better."



Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each
of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty
for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player,
a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I
love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest
of the money for our future because I love you so much."

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts


Frozen

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one
cold, blustery January day.  The daughter said to the mother,
"My hands are freezing cold."  The mother replied, "Put your hands
between your legs.  The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter
did, and her hands warmed up.
 
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her
boyfriend.  The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the
daughter.  He said, "My nose is freezing cold."  The daughter
said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."  He did,
and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter
and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The day after that, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one heck
of a mess when they thaw out."



A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural 
pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over 
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he 
should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she 
begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face, 
with both hands. 

"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, 
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. 

"Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues 
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and 
allowing him to suck them gently. 

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand 
soap in the ladies room."  

If AOL was a city.
 
 * You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
 
 * You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the
   time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
 
 * Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be
   assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering
   you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
 
 * The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every
   time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic
   knocks you back into your yard.
 
 * The local post office would tell your mother you're not a
   known resident.
 
 * The local post office won't forward your mail to you when
   you move.
 
 * If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later
   with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
 
 * Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the
   store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE
   IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
 
 * Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see
  your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
 
 * You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another
   bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal
   operation.
 
 * You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most
   new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's
   mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
 
 * The administration would build a huge, state of the art
   park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly
   start demanding money.
 
 *They'd offer you unlimited access to the city....then arrest you every time 
you waved or spoke to more than one friend.

*Free Rent for Porn stars....unlimited access!
  
 


A young teenager and his girlfriend decide that they should be intimate for 
the first time.  Excited by the news, the boy runs off to the pharmacy to buy 
supplies for the big night!

As he stood in the asile, he was overwhelmed by the number of choices....(use 
your imagination here).....the pharmacist, seeing the boy's confusion, came 
over and offered to help.  After spending approx. 45 minutes going over the 
pros/cons of each choice, the pharmacist instructed that the boy could either 
purchase a 3-pack, a 12-pack, or the economy 36-pack.  The boy thought it 
over for a minute, then decided on the 36 pack (as he planned to be rather 
busy).  The boy then purchased his goods and went on his way.

That night he went to pick up his girlfriend so they could have dinner with 
her parents before the big night.  Once they were all seated around the 
table, the boy began his prayer....five minutes later, his girlfriend noticed 
that her boyfriend still had his hands clasped together and his head bowed 
praying.  She nudged him and wispered...."I had no idea that you were so 
religious!"  The boy replied "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" 



Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to 
their separate hotel rooms. 
  The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression is 
enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, 
THREE...UGH!" all night long.
  
  In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first 
whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I Simply couldn't get an erection."
  
  The second dwarf shook his head.  "You think that's embarrassing?" he 
asked.  "I couldn't even get on the bed!"    



George wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation
to cure his constant fatigue.

"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy.  I'm in the prime of my life.  How do you
expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and
taper off gradually."