Mother's Advice
Blonde Driver
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's
plane. She had just come back from a
far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed
a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with
exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken
head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and
screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich
Doctor!"
GRANNY LEADFOOT
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car
puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly ... twenty-two miles an hour!"
the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the
speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the
officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We
just got off Route 119."
New Husband
Just after this guy gets married,
he was invited out for a
night with "the boys."
He accepts and then tells his new
bride not to worry,
because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd
probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of
himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told
me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman
Medical Terminology
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. After the examination he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Just tell me straight out, in
plain English, what is wrong with me."
"In plain English?" the doctor said, shrugging his shoulders,
"You're just lazy!"
"Okay..." said the man, rubbing his chin. "Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my wife."
Fortune
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales
that tell you your fortune
and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says
"Please come over and help me. I have this killer
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start
it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The
blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at
puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the
door and shows him to where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the
box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter
what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you
how to assemble these to look like the picture of
that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a
cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes
back in the box."
The Thinning Painter
A painter received a contract to paint a church,
upon reaching the job he
walked along each of the long sides
and the front and back and thought to
himself.
"Big church ...hmmm...they can afford it.
I'll water down the
paint!"
To get the job done quickly, he used his big
six inch brush and by the end
of the day
he was congratulating himself on a job well done...
He was still patting himself on the back when a fierce thunderstorm struck
with lightning flashing everywhere and thunder almost deafening and rain
falling with the force of a cyclone.
After the storm had subsided there was hardly a trace of his paint left on
the church. The painter stood there, face drained and with palms upraised
and said with anguish "God what will I do now?"
A big voice then boomed out from the heavens,
"Repaint, repaint and thin
no more!"
Three Wise Women
Do you know what would have happened if it
had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and
brought practical gifts.
BLINDED BY SCIENCE
Back to School Science You Won't Believe.
The following are actual submissions on a series of
quizzes, tests and essays. Enjoy.
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the
borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,
of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!!
I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree
right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there
was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."
Retirement
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan,
older
employees will be asked to go on early retirement,
thus permitting the
retention of the younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end
of the current fiscal
year,
via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given
the opportunity to look for
jobs
outside
the company.
Provided they are SLAPPED, they can request a review of
their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of
the operation is called
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED
may file an appeal with
the upper management.
This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee
may beSLAPPED once
, SCREWED twice,
but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the
company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures,
he/she will be entitled to
get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP
(Combined
Lump sum Assistance Payment)
unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP
are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board
that
the
company will continue its policy to train employees
through our
Special High Intensity Training(SHIT).
This company takes pride in the
amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more
SHIT
than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not
receive
enough SHIT on the
job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially
trained to
make sure you
receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Orientations
A guy came into a bar one day and
said to the barman "Give me six double
vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and
ordered another six double
vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Cooking Lessons
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of
the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why
did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't
know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her
why she cut off the end
of
the ham before baking it,
and her mother replied,"I really don't know ,
but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother , the young woman
asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you
bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear,
it would never fit into
my baking pan."
SPECIAL OFFER
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another
nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such
a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me
on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
MARRIAGE JOKES
What do wives and proctologists have in common?
They always have to deal with a pain in the ass.
What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them
.
When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.
What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time.
What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.
What's the best part of marriage?
Divorce.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
What do marriage and Bill Clinton have in common?
They're both a joke.
Remember: The Bible says to "Love thy neighbor," but make sure
her husband isn't home first.
Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of
progress?
What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.
How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
(English translations: Chemist is a Pharmacist in England; bottom is a bottom) A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist." The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man replied, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
12> It was chosen as the official AOL "Really, Really, Really,
Really, Really Cool Site of the Day."
11> Only banner ad is a singles ad for your sister.
10> It proudly carries the Pat Robertson Seal of Approval.
9> The home page has so many "Bottom 5%" awards, you can barely
see the "Under Construction" graphics.
8> "Best viewed when using Bifocals 1.25 or higher."
7> You were operating under the mistaken impression that God just
doesn't like homosexuals and has chosen you to tell everyone.
6> Your blinking text and animated graphics have caused an
epidemic of epileptic seizures.
5> Al Gore personally emails you and tells you to get off his
Internet.
4> "Featuring Roger Ebert's home sex tapes!"
3> The only guest book entry is from your mom: "Yes, Dear,
it's very nice. Now come down to dinner."
2> Previous visitors e-mail you ASCII pictures of vomit.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Website Sucks...
1> Your Pamela Anderson site has no pictures -- just her poetry.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
Keyword meta-tags include: "POLKA BARNEY CABBAGE
SALTPETER ISHTAR CUBIC ZIRCONIUM PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY"
(Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY)
Martha Stewart's bread dough rises before the GIF's
download. (Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
Nothin' but JPEGs of you building your website.
(Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
Sam Donaldson's doing the news.
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
The background is Barbie pink -- and so is the text.
(Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX)
Undigestedcorn.com?
(Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY)
Your web server is a Commodore 64 -- and there are no
problems! (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Honorable Mention submissions -- www.ZZZ.com
A Bay City Rollers site... without plaid?
(Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)
All Tesh, all the time.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Denver, CO)
BachelorCam is a nice concept, but putting it in the fridge?
(Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY)
Counter keeps track of "brain cells killed while visiting this
site." (Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
It crashes your browser--and you're using Lynx.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
It's too far from the porch light, you haven't had a bite in
hours and you have to rebuild it every time someone opens
the screen door.
(Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)
No one will visit your website, but the government granted
you $13.2 million to clean it up.
(Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX)
(Martell Stroup, Boston, MA)
Porn sites decline your offer of free advertising.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)
The hit counter is in therapy dealing with rejection issues.
(Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA)
Webmistress? Misty Rivera, part-time model.
(Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR)
While coding the HTML, you eschewed links in favor of
patties. (Martell Stroup, Boston, MA)
Written entirely in "Schlockwave" plug-in language.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)
You were rejected by Geocities and Tripod, and your e-mail
address is bigloser@itsucks.com.
(Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada)
You're using that ancient Java class 5 ver. 5.3.195 instead of
newer Java class 5 ver. 5.3.198.
(Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL)
Your IPO valued the company at a paltry $3 billion.
(Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA)
Your auction site is updated every six months.
(Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)
WHEN YOU HAVE TO CUT AND PASTE FROM OTHER
WEBSITES TO ADD TO YOUR OWN!!!
(Dawn Maez, Chandler, AZ)