The Exorcist

My Soap-Operatic Life

"I don't know where I stand with you,
I never ever make any plans with you.
I don't know what I mean to you,
The only thing I know is I dream of you.

Sometimes I know what you're thinking next
But wouldn't it be better if I loved you less?
Sometimes I think that I made you up.
But wouldn't it be better if I gave you up?" Madonna, "I'd Rather Be Your Lover"

"How was I to know
which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
you'd break, you'd break, you'd break
you'd break my heart." Madonna, "Take A Bow"

"Uh, it's not like there's a room full of people who want me who are waiting for me to choose.. If I knew somebody wanted me that would probably mean I wouldn't need to be quite as obsessed with the personals. And besides, in my sadomasochistic dating practices the only ones that are right for me are the ones who don't want me.

The truth is love advice is pretty unhelpful most of the time. If you're not getting any, you're just not getting any and nothing really eases that frustration. Nothing spoken at least."

So, how did my weekend go?

Not terribly- it involved a lot of movie watching, whining (mine, as usual!), and yelling (I was trying to act adult by voluntarily doing chores- let's just say that my mother and I don't agree on how to do them).

First, I'll review the flicks (and no, The Exorcist wasn't one of them):

The Horse Whisperer: Not a bad movie. Very entertaining if you've been to Montana a lot- we kept joking about the hick talk and hats and "when the radio starts playing country, you know you've entered Montana!" Even though you can REALLY tell how they used all these different horses to play Pilgrim, that horse stuff wasn't too bad- although that may have been because I started spacing out in those parts. That may also be why I didn't feel that the movie was too long. Anyway, Kristin Scott Thomas and Scarlett Johansen are excellent! Redford's pretty good, although I'm thinkin' that he's gettin' a bit old to be doing that stuff, like grinding into KST on the dance floor. His hands are reminding me of my grandma's (she who complains that she can no longer do anything with them due to arthritis), that's quite creepy. For the record, there's not a lot between their characters- but then again, I thought that was a good thing (you know Grace (Scarlett) would flip out if she dumped Dad for the cowboy). And kudos to Redford for getting Sam Neill (mmmm-hmmm!) to play what would in anybody else's movie would be a dull throwaway role- he made his part a lot better than I would have thought it would be. Not the bad ending that I thought it was leading up to either- good thing.

We also rented four flicks from Blockbuster:

Tomorrow Never Dies: I'd seen this before and loved it (I lust after Pierce Brosnan, and I think Wai Lin should get her own series). This time what I really noticed was the biting. Man, Pierce is a big nibbler! Really, watch him with Teri Hatcher- first he bites at her mouth, then he bites her up the shoulders- I'm amazed that he didn't leave any bruises for hubby to find the next morning! Owwwwch . . . on second thought maybe I'll pass.

The Full Monty: I've seen this one too, still rather entertaining. I never noticed that the dorky redhead and the wall-walker (dumb, cute, . . . watch it Jen!) were holding hands in the funeral scene- whoops, forgot that Dad doesn't get anything with gay characters in it. (He saw months of previews and still didn't get that The Birdcage was full of gay guys. Hello?)

Spy Hard: If you really miss Naked Gun flicks, to the point where you'll see a diluted version, this is what to see. It's Naked Gun minus the regular characters (like, uh, Nordberg). Think of it as "Naked Gun 444: Leslie Minus the Murderer". I got a kick out of the "Home Alone" and "True Lies" spots, as well as Weird Al doing the opening. I also found it funny when you compare their opening to Tomorrow Never Dies- those opening are getting more obscure and filled with naked "chicks" each year!

Canadian Bacon: There is a reason why some movies go direct to video. That is an indication that they should never be seen. I thought it would be interesting in the way that Wag The Dog was interesting- a fake war with a harmless country. But surprisingly, this movie's well, boring. I laughed once- when John Candy starts a huge fight at a Canadian hockey game by saying the beer sucks. Alan Alda's just too whiny and clueless (like I should talk!) as the prez, and the names like "Stuart Smiley"- ripoff! Although the Canadian-ripping is kinda interesting- "we don't care about the anti-Canada graffiti on your vehicle, so long as it's in both French and English!"

In other news, I found out that a. Michelle knows one of my roommates for next year, and b. said roommate (Christine) will not be my roommate after all, because she's moving in with Michelle. Weird coincidences, huh?

Now we'll get to why I chose that title for today's entry: I finally did it. I wrote that letter to The Moron breaking up with him for good. I wound up taking out the extremely rude stuff, but it's done. And I'm having Mom mail it when she gets home so that I won't chicken out.

I don't know if I'm happy about this or not, or if I feel good about it or not. I suppose that'll depend on how I feel when the letter doesn't magically prompt a response from him anyway despite the remaining rudeness. My original goal for doing this (I've been thinking about it for awhile, but that was before I started feeling soooo mad) was to see if I could "shock" him into action- that whole "error of his ways" thing, like that ever works. I tried that with the e-mail in March. Ha ha ha, that didn't work. So at least I'm biting the bullet, right? And I expect nothing, right? Suuuuure, just wait a few days when he hasn't called, then there'll be another entry here whining about how he hasn't called, therefore he must be an asshole (which I did call him in the letter before my mother (who knew I was doing this) started going on about name-calling). Somedays I nauseate myself with my behavior. But at least this time I'm not going to go blab to my friends about how I did this- I've noticed that after I blab about an "important" development that nothing ever happens and I feel like an ass! So the lips will remain zipped (except on the Internet, obviously), unless I'm directly asked. I'm not really feeling up to listening to the congratulations from my roommates and ex-roommates anyway. And yes, I'm putting my handiwork on the Internet. Enjoy, y'all . . .and let the exorcism commence.

I never want to hear from you again.

What I mean is that I suspect- think- that you want me to take a long walk off a short dock or something. I don't know why you dislike me now or like me less or what I did or didn't do to cause that, but you're making it clear that you want me to go to hell. I didn't get it for a while in winter that you didn't want to see me- I just stopped calling you because it seemed to be a waste- you'd just be working the entire time anyway. Or you're just never home. I called you at spring break to see what was up, but you didn't call me back. Giving up on the phone (I refuse to call you any more- you are never home and you won't call me back- no point), I sent you an e-mail- which you have GOT to have checked by now- asking you to at least tell me that you didn't want to ever hear from me again. Again, I got no response. I assumed that was as close to an answer as I'd get.

I was just getting to forgetting about you the way you forgot about me, when out of the blue you called, sounding as if nothing had gone wrong. And of course you didn't call me back. I don't know if you forgot or was busy or just didn't want to or a combination of all three- but now I'm mad enough about all of this to want to cut this off. It's obvious that you no longer want to talk to me or even care if I exist, or I would have heard from you a long time ago.

I've got the feeling that there isn't a friendship to lose anymore anyway. I don't know what went wrong, and obviously I'll never know. I don't know what's gone on with you since about October or so, the last time I really remember that you actually seemed to care about me. I have given up on trying. I can't be friends with someone who can't even respect me enough to call me back. I can't be the only one who gives a shit. I don't know if this is because you got yet another girlfriend or something like that, I don't even care (although I would find that very hypocritical!). Yeah, yeah, I know you're busy between school and work. I know you have to work all the time to pay for school. But really, do you have to be THAT busy? I know you have to work, but you don't HAVE to take 21 or 18 units each time, do you? Especially if you're not even graduating in two years? You are a workaholic who doesn't seem to accept that something has to give somewhere. I heard a saying once that really reminded me of you- "if you're too busy for someone or something you care about, you're too busy."

I don't think I ever demanded anything from you. I never whined that I wanted a boyfriend or any of that crap. Then again, I am not cut out to be a traditional girlfriend myself like my friends. I don't want to follow a guy around wherever he goes, or force him to call me every single night, or any of that BS. Hell, my parents are lucky if they hear from me once a week. It's not that I don't hear from you much that started to annoy me- but that I never did again. I hear from John a lot more, and he lives in Pennsylvania, for god's sake. I didn't (and still don't) understand why we still couldn't be friends even if I live away. I know you've got friends in Washington and Santa Barbara and wherever else, and I'd be willing to bet some serious money (if I ever had any) that you still talk to some of them (or at least call them back), no matter how busy you are. Geez, you even call your ex back.

(For the record here, he thinks she's a bitch because she only talks to him whenever she's been dumped and ignores him once she gets a new boyfriend. He broke up with her, by the way- they're supposedly doing the "friends" thing. On our last date he was bitching about how she calls him and when he calls back when she's not home, (specifically mentioning how he calls everyone back) she doesn't call back. So why would he do that to me, who as far as I know, he doesn't think is a bitch? Well, I am, but he doesn't KNOW that! Okay, back to the letter)

And frankly, I am still really surprised that you could act like this, I thought you were more decent than that. My mistake. I just wish that you'd demonstrated that jerkiness a lot earlier- at least I could have squeezed in one last trip to Disneyland. If you didn't want me around, why the hell didn't you tell me instead of just leading me on? I feel like a complete blind fool. Look, if you remember nothing else I ever said to you, remember this: the next time you dump somebody, do it clean. No "Well, I would, but I have school and work" crap, just say, "I do want you, but not very much, so nothing will ever happen here." Don't let her think that you actually care, okay? You may think you're being nice, but you're really being the opposite.

I think I told you once that I didn't regret all of this happening. Well, I TAKE IT BACK, and I wish I'd kept my damned mouth shut- a lot of times.

So anyway- I don't want to continue the hypocrisy here, and I don't want to still wonder if you'll ever call again or if I'll ever see you again (which I seriously doubt). I give up. You don't want to be my friend anymore. You win. If there's no hope of this getting any better- and I doubt it- then I want this to be over. By writing this I will actually know that our friendship is over, instead of having to wonder and guess about what the hell your problem is.

Only if any of this is wrong do I want to hear from you again. If I am wrong and you still even remotely care about me in any way, or whatever the hell this is- I will be at the same address at school until June 19 and you can reach me there, after that I don't know where I'll be. If I'm right- then just continue to do nothing. As usual.

Your former friend,

Jennifer

"And I loved you when our love was blessed
and I love you now there's nothing left
but sorrow and a sense of overtime
and I missed you since the place got wrecked
And I just don't care what happens next
looks like freedom but it feels like death
it's something in between, I guess" Leonard Cohen, "Closing Time"

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Page last updated: May 25, 1998.
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