November 5, 1998

Goldfish

A few weeks ago, I considered getting a goldfish. Then, I realized that I'm just not ready for that type of commitment in my life. Goldfish require a lot of tender loving care. It's hard to cuddle a fish. Anyway, goldfish are inherently suicidal, and since my writings tend to be pushing people towards depression, I don't want my fishy jumping from the bowl because of some apparently strongly suggestive e-mail I send out.

Also, do you know how hard it is to name a fish. You want to sound intelligent and kewl, but not stupid and inane at the same time. Goldie is out, as well Hey Fish, and Barracuda and Jaws are just over done. Perhaps Phil, but then I'd have to explain why I chose that name and whatever B.S. I say, people will just ask, "No, really?"

And, of course, there's no place to put the goldfish in the room either.

Comments:

• Who HAS committed suicide due to your e-mails? Has the Surgeon General declared your list a health hazard? ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!
  -Ryan