November 15, 1998
Unpaid Balance
Dear God,
According to my figures, there is an outstanding bill you owe me, Though I realize such claims are usually handed through the courts, I figured I would save you from the hassle. The media would definitely hustle in, for after all, you are God. Well, here is the statement:
Debts owed by God:
- a deficiency of approximately 4 inches in height from the average male's height of 5'9"
- 37.512 hours of sleep in the past 8 years
- the loss of sanity due to the removal of a stress-relieving comedy newspaper
- the ability to snap my fingers
- compensation for incessant paranoia since "the incident"
- approximately 957,908,313,862,436 smiles since birth
- 1 opportunity
Monetary exchange is not my goal. God, I will wipe the account clean if you grant the last one. You know the opportunity I am asking for. Otherwise, I will be forced to bring lawyers into this, and I will remind you that under the current judicial system, lawyers must be alive to serve. No bringing back Daniel Webster for you.
Sincerely,
J. Nicholas Deibel