November 20, 1998
An extra long one for the extended Thanksgiving vacation I'm taking. . .
How Far Do You Go?
A friend once told me how I was going to die. I would go out fighting, not for myself, but for someone else. I'm one of those people who has too good of a heart. I worry more about my friends that I do myself.
Yet, in the past year, certain events have made me slow down. I choose my battles now, and I have admitted the dreaded word of surrender on occasion. I find doubt a formidable opponent lately, and sometimes I just can bring up the strength to change it.
But this week alone has amazed me. Several of my friends and I felt a decisive blow to ourselves when the comedy newspaper we all write on was cancelled for the semester. The reasons behind this are far too complicated to discuss now, but it involved personal issues as well as others. Still, we were hurt.
There was initial talk of going independent and underground, but to be honest, I didn't care. I considered all the hassles and stresses it would cause, and I deemed it nearly impossible. Yet, in the past few days, while I remained relatively silent about it all, my friends have been an active voice, rambling on about their complaints, always optimistic about what the future will hold. I had given up, but they pushed on ahead.
I don't know how to take this. These friends are on this mailing list, and all have complimented me before on my thoughts, opinions, and blatant honesty. Part of me wants to think I'm responsible for this, that somehow my presence has inspired them never to give up. This probably comes from jealousy. They have taken a step I cowered upon taking. It has been a humiliating experience. I don't like it.
I'm a few steps behind you guys right now, but I'm still behind you. How far do we go, I don't know, but don't stop on my account. To be totally honest, you are all some of the most amazing people I've had the honor to share this plane of existence with. You've educated me. How far do you go? The answer is till you've gone. This is my ramble.