December 30, 1998
12/30/98
Sometimes it's best not to give a title. A year ago today was a day that will live in infamy, for me at least. You see, prior to that fateful day, I was one of a fortunate few. I was in love with a most special girl. In high school, we had begun as good friends and a relationship grew from this. I was happy and nearly every moment of my day included some thought of her. What I remember the most is that the first spring together, I noticed for the first time that certain trees don't become green right away, but are more splendid with shades of yellow and violet.
I though I would talk about this day in the details which I remember, but I know that won't do anything helpful. I know that the reactions would be people telling me to get over it and the like, with even a few accusing me of it being all my fault. This is what I want to talk about.
I do not hesitate in saying I loved her. If the gateway to the after-life is a giant door that only opens when a soul shouts the truth, this is what I would scream. People tell me to put all those feelings behind me. . . those people can go to hell. If you can throw away everything you had with a special person, then you have no right to say you loved that person. She was special to me and will forever remain in my heart.
However, even though I still care for her, I find incredible difficulty in talking to her. We were once best friends, but now I am so bitter that I choke at even calling her friend. We put on niceties and all, but this isn't me. I will always be mad at her in some way, yet I should be a better person and forgive without forgetting. I wish I knew how, and if I could look her in the eye, I would not say, "I'm sorry," but instead, "Hey."
Of course, people tell me it all went wrong based upon one of two things. I'm sorry, but the fact that we were friends does not mean we foretold our doom. Two people who love each other are automatically friends of an extreme level, and if you want to view it in a slightly disgusting way, they are "spittle-brothers" from the exchange of saliva due to kissing. Yes, if the breakup is very hard, you do run the risk of cracking the comradery. However, a strong friendship should withstand the blow better than two strangers. Of course, I'm probably wrong in all this.
The other issue is that I was her first true relationship. The argument is, "How can she know what kind of guy you are if she doesn't have anything past to compare it two?" This is a load of shit. To me, this reasoning is just some lame excuse to sow one's wild oats. I'm sorry, but we are thinking animals and should be capable of deciding if a relationship is good or bad. If you are uncertain, you have to take a leap of faith since love is not an exact science. Our culture is filled with tales of loves at first sight, some starting in childhood. There is a reason for these tales living forever: to remind us that such things are possible.
I guess I've rambled enough on this. I miss her, but I know it's over. In fact, her absence had changed my life a lot. Part of my motivation to start this list came from a need to reach out to people again like I reached out to her. I have written more these past few months than ever before.
So, tomorrow for me will be spent in bed. It's not that I'm depressed over reminiscing about a year ago, it's just that I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection.