January 5, 1999
Size
How big is the world? No, I don't want some textbook answer; I want to know that if I walked out the door right now, could I ever see it all? Is there anything beyond the horizon? I've tried this before. . . the grand expedition to enlarge the known world, but it seems like it never grows. With every step I take, the horizon moves that much further on.
Sometimes I feel the wind on my face and the ground crinkling beneath my feet and all I want to do is just run. Run away in any direction and don't stop. Run past the places the people the stories the lands the faces the voices the past the present the future the hurts the calms the worries the puppies the smells the years the dreams the villages the towns the world. . . and just leave it all behind and make my own world with nothing but the sweat of my brow.
Perhaps it's the chance to restart every little thing from a perfectly clean slate. Maybe I'm finally at the point of giving up on a lot of things that I once dreamt about. I might not be able to do all my childhood mind imagined it could in this small small ever-shrinking small world.
More and more, the things I value are not in the real world but hidden away in the cramped recesses of my head.