January 16, 1999

Woolly Mammoths are Stupid

I wanted to rain down some fiery vengeance today, but since it's winter and there has been a lot of snow around here, the demand for fire has increased. With nearly the same rapid rate, the price of fire has also leapt to staggering new heights. I thought I could process the needed fire on my own, but as it turns out, fire is only available from the vast fire mines of Japan.

Now, this is really amazing since humans have utilized fire ever since they first popped up in Africa a long time ago (before 1851). How did fire get from the sole producer of Japan to Africa? Obviously, some sort of international trade was going on, but run by whom? Who were the monopolistic masterminds behind the Paleolithic economy? Obviously, the Woolly Mammoths were the ones shipping fire into the tropical continent of Africa.

Of course, this also blatantly points out why mammoths are extinct and man now runs the modern economy. Fur, fire, and tropical weather just don't mix for good health.

Comments:

• Wooly mammoths are stupid?! What possessed you to write about that? I know that we went to bed late last night, but still...
  -Seth

• what the hell was that?
  -Jeff