January 20, 1999
Why to grow a goatee
I have had a goatee since may and have had it constantly except for about two weeks when I was clean shaven for the sake of medical reasons. Now, you may ask why I grew a goatee, and if you didn't, might I recommend the New York Times obituary sections to read instead.
I started growing mine shortly after I attempted to purchase a ticket to attend an R movie. I got carded, which with my childish looks and short stature I had gotten used to. However, when the ticket taker asked me if my id was fake, I lost it. I knew then I had to age myself.
Thus, since my time machine was in the shop, I grew facial hair.
Actually, this was all bullshit. Yes, my growing a goatee did correspond with the movie incident, as the locals now call it. I grew it for purely nervous reasons. I can stroke it and look intelligent when I really have no idea what I'm doing. If I can't write a Diogenes, I can spend several furtive moments trimming till it's barely more than stubble. I have grown facial hair for the sincerest purpose of psychosis.
You will never look at goatee wearers the same again.