January 21, 1999
Destroy the Internet
At Butler University, the ratio of men to women is about 3:2. Thus, according to that evil branch of mathematics known as Probability & Statistics, I should stand at least a better chance at getting a date on Saturday night than a rabbit practicing abstinence. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account the unbelievable factoid that nearly all of the women here have boyfriends, meaning outside Butler's sphere of dominance.
How do these relationships survive? Since both travel and long distance rates are too costly for a college student's meager income, the answer must be e-mail. Thus, electronic correspondence is the thin, meager strand all these beautiful relationships depend upon. The internet is their savior.
The internet must be destroyed! Hear me all ye single people! The destruction of cheap and fast communication will free up millions of potential mates. Instead of having to travel to faraway lands like Sweden and Uzbekistan to find potential mates, they will be here. Those old relationships will soon suffer and decompose under the pressures of U.S. post office mail delays and the epic battle between MIT, AT&T, 10-321, etc. Victory will come for the single!