February 19, 1999

Speculation and Theory

I do not understand people. I just don't understand them. Sometimes I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, only more so with the thumb having been lopped off and trampled by a rampaging herd of elephants and penguins. I know most people also feel this way, but for me it really is a problem. I always want to figure people out. I break events down into manageable events, trying to see any logical pattern in everything. I'm beginning to learn my logic is too feeble to handle the task, so instead I take guesses and wild leaps in the hopes of not offending others. Actually, it probably is better if I do offend, because I can generally trace that down to specific details. It amazes me more if the result of my interpersonal reactions has a pleasant effect. The demand to repeat the events is too great. No, that's not it. Instead, I just ask a lot of questions to myself. Was my pleasant interaction expected? Did it comes as a pleasant surprise? I rarely ever answer these. I am too obsessed with people. I want to understand them.