April 20, 1999

Anatomy 101

People often talk about thinking with your head or your heart or your gut, implying respectively about using logic, emotions, or instincts to persuade your decisions. It's been my experience of late that none of these body parts are performing a satisfactory job. My head seems only designed for solving math problems, and no matter how hard I look, I just can't find integrals in my social interaction problems. My heart is certainly an idealistic fool, believing far too much in storybook plots and endings. As for my gut, let's just say that if I lived in the Cretaceous Period and had to depend on my instincts for survival, paleontologists would know about me only through Triceratops scat.

I've determined that I need to find a new body part to think with. Hair is out since I would run the risk of losing too many ideas due to haircuts. I would think with my spleen, but I'm not certain exactly where that is. I could be very male and just think with... no, I won't go there. Maybe my nose would be a good part to think with, especially since I tend not to like my thoughts and like everyone else, I don't care that much about my nose either. Maybe the brain would be good for thinking with, but then again, the clavicle does sound more intelligent.

Perhaps the bladder is the best way to go. It always knows what it wants, like now. Bye.