April 21, 1999

My Mistake

A friend sent this e-mail tonight:

i had a long angry letter about this topic, but i deleted it. i wrote another long angry letter, but i deleted that too. nothing i say can come close to showing the true emotion of this event. ask someone in Littleton, Colorado about emotions. in Littleton, Colorado, someone's best friend died today. in Littleton, Colorado, someone's life ended way too soon. and you can't help but wonder, if there is a god, why does he let these things happen?

I had not yet heard the news of Littleton and the shooting massacre that occurred in the high school there, so my take was different. I took Jeff's message as an interesting attempt at something deep and philosophical with a hint of sarcastic humor. The name Littleton just sounded too symbolic. It sounded too general, too made-up. I even laughed at the sound of it. It made me think on a philosophical sense, nothing like the emotions I'm experiencing now.

Behind me, the tv continues to show pictures of shot-out windows, to tell news of bombs still active in the school, the unconfirmed body count (somewhere from 15 to 25)... everything that is wrong in this fucked up world of ours. I spent my day thinking about my own petty life. I laughed at something I did not understand. All the while, this tragedy was going on.

I can't explain it. I can't feel good about laughing or thinking right now. I know Jeff was inventing new profanities to express his anger, but those weren't enough to say what he wanted. This is just insane. It's just fucking insane. The news reporters ask the experts for any thoughts on the situation, and I just have to wonder how anyone can have thoughts on something like this. There's no room for thinking, just shock.

I laughed at first out of ignorance. Now I turn silent with reality.