May 3, 1999

Jibberish

I'm probably mispelling jibberish and many other words as well. My mind's not working well tonight or today or yesterday. It's like everything is just out of reach. I hear the thoughts as an incoherent whisper. I know there is mumbling, but I cannot make out any words. It's like a radio station with severe static.

I know why this is happening. I am facing a definite future. This is a typical situation no matter how absurd it sounds. Have you ever shaped your life to avoid a problem? Ever planned some events in order to turn away from something in life you really should face? Sometimes this is quite easy to accomplish. People who really hate mathematics can choose to go to a college that does not have a math curriculum requirement. Too bad that I like math.

Mine is of the other type; a problem that is character defining. I thought for several months I would be able to run away from it, but I see now that I can't. Fate, life, internships, and amusement parks have come together trip up my plans and fling me head first into cognitive chaos.

Be it God, chaos, fate, or dumb luck, sometimes the universe always goes against your plans and challenges you with what you fear. Thus comes the question, victory or my end?