July 27, 1999

My Superpower

Thanks to the media inundation of Superman, Batman, and Spiderman, there is not a kid who grows up without daydreaming about being a superhero. The big question, though, is what superpower do you want? Do you want to fly, run super fast, have a suit of battle armor, shout beams of energy from your eyes, be a psychic, etc., etc., etc.?

For me, I would want a very strange power. I would want the power of the television sitcom. With this power, I could always manage to create cockamamie schemes that get the job done. If I wanted to impress a lady, I could set up my friends to play butlers and maids and fake a fancy gourmet meal. If I needed to get two people together, I could write letters to both of them but make it seem like they wrote each other... and it would work! Sitcoms have these remarkable powers to shape reality into happy endings. I could embarrass bad people publicly through something involving a banana peel, a hedgehog, and a brassiere. I could... the possibilities are endless.

Fear me, for as soon as I figure out how to be bitten by a radioactive sitcom, I will become Situational Comedy Man!"