July 29, 1999

Proper Footwear

Carpe Diem! To Seize (or Pluck if translated literally) the Day! Before doing this, though, one has many things to consider. One, don't seize the sun. It's hot. It will burn your hands. And speaking of phalanges, consider your feet as well. They will most likely come in handy since the day will most likely be on the move; you will have to catch up to it. That is why I propose that sneakers become socially acceptable in all sorts of situations.

The improvements in life will be obvious. No longer will your feet sweat in those cramped leather shoes that give you blisters. No more blisters. Brides can wear sneakers instead of heels and thus be able to flee if last minute jitters warrant such. The groom can find comfort in having to wear a tuxedo if he at least gets to wear his sneakers. If you have to rush, you can easily do so.

In his day, Socrates wore comfortable sandals and was wise. Of course, he was also forced to drink hemlock, but if he had worn sneakers, he could have run away and no one would have caught him.

You can finally say things to people you've always wanted and then run away really fast. Try to do that in loafers.

Most importantly, we will be supporting our space program, for it was they who gave us the materials that make up the fancy plastics and fabrics that go into modern sneaker manufacture.