taylorcraft@earthlink.net
"Oh, C'mon, God, Do I Really Have to Say THAT?
Oh, You Mean Do I Really Want to Keep My Sobriety?"
(c2000)
I've found it useful to my sobriety to address difficulties directly, with the person(s) actually involved. What a concept! Not easy, yet very useful... No more avoidance, so it not only doesn't get bigger/louder, it also does not come out "sideways" on unsuspecting people. No more avoidance by escaping into the oblivion a bottle of booze provided....well, for awhile... the problem was always there when I "came to". Another of the many things I've learned in sobriety about how to take care of my needs, my feelings, so that I don't feel a need to drink over them....
Keep in mind that the first time I do or say this stuff, it frequently "bombs", i.e., it falls on deaf ears. It may seem like I'm stating the obvious, yet it's amazing just how lost the obvious can get in Convoluted Old Drinking Behavior! There usually are no reference points for healthy behavior, in me or in the people around me, until I create them in sobriety. Even when it works, it initially causes "payback repercussions" within me because assertive behavior has previously been punished in some way – to break the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rule hurts at first until enough of the "emotional triggers" have been desensitized. Once I get through all that, these are some of the most marvelous communication tools I've ever had! Sober persistence pays off! And keeps me from returning to a bottle of booze as my solution to problems..... I've had to really want physical & emotional sobriety in order to be willing to work for it! And to be willing to take small steps, one day at a time.... And to ask for help.... And to not drink over any of this!
Here's one of those "God-shot" deals...
You don't think I do this on my own, do you!
This Is What I Prefer To Say:
Hey! Wait a minute!
This is not about you controlling me
Or me defying you....
I don't need you to tell me who I am,
what to do, how high to jump...
I can listen to your information
and decide if it works for me or not.
So it's NOT that I can't handle
money....
responsibility....
a crisis....
conflict....
stress....
problems....
decisions....
family outings....
public events....
private situations....
living life....
It's just that I handle it the way I know,
the way that works for me,
which just means that
I don't handle it your way,
which simply means that I am not you.
At least I no longer handle it "the bottle's way"....
Hopefully my way is my higher power's way as well....
Did you know that there's at least 93 ways to be "right"?
It also helps to preface my thoughts and beliefs and feelings
with:
I think...
I feel...
I believe that...
In my opinion, humble or not,....
It's my understanding that....
The way I see it is....
What works for me is.....
My experience tells me that....
And other such qualifiers that make it clear that this
is how I think, feel, understand, & believe... and that these are not
universal statements....
So ~~
In sobriety
There's room for differences
We all get to be "right"...
What a concept......
A selection of "Gosh! I wish I'd said THAT instead
of blowing up at him/her again, and/or instead of drinking myself into
a stupor again, and/or emoting myself into another depression!" Stating
the obvious, exaggeration, even occasional sarcasm, and humor have helped
me keep my communication open and clean, and kept me from the "stinking
thinking" that tells me the first drink is a solution
to anything! It's not! And, no, I didn't get to this stage
of sober communication overnight! It's a whole lot easier to "pull
these off" AFTER the "emotional triggers" have been worked through.
It's taken a lot of persistence, willingness, practice, & help.....
Thank you, God!
This Is What I Prefer To Say:
Oh, go micro-manage somebody who doesn't know any better !!!
How come I forgot??? Because my brain synapse drawbridge was "up" and nothing could get across!!!
Hey! You know that funnel that goes between your brain and mine? It's not working! Try words! I'll hear you ever so much better and your needs have a better chance of being met. What a concept!
What do you mean I took "my own sweet time" getting here???!!! Nah, I'm just Not Operating On YOUR Time....
I'm "sorry" for interfering with your cooling off the house. You have such an "arresting" way of speaking that make me feel oh so "good". I'll just "let" you fill up the house with moths & other flying bugs, which you know drives me absolutely crazy, and "let" you denigrate me for my phobia, and I'll go live in my car.... Now that ought to be interesting.... Oh, that's not quite what you meant?
Oh, so you're not only tired and sore, but you've got an errant wire splinter in your thumb and you think you're coming down with a cold, and your arthritis is flaring up again???? So let's take all that out on little ole me just because I'm "handy"???? I Don't Think So!!!
Sorry I'm having such a hard time with this: this is just Miss Closure Needs here having a hard time dealing with Mr. Open-Ended, & it's way more than she can possibly handle at the moment....
Well, that's one way of looking at it yet it doesn't make it accurate for me.....
What I want is to not be "slammed" just because I don't happen to agree with you....
Well, I see Mr. Overworked-&-Tired and Miss PMS- Irritability are having a grand ole time "crabbing" at each other, and on a full moon, too! We're lucky to be doing as well as we aren't!
Oh, did you just change the rules on me without telling me again? Dang! I hate it when that happens!
Dang! I'm having one of those "I wonder why I bother talking to you" moments..... I'll be back in a minute, and then maybe I can better hear what you have to say when I no longer "have my undies in a wad".....
Better than drinking!!!
It's said that if I can't remember my last drunk that I haven't had it yet. I don't live in it yet I still remember it. I even have a written record of it in my journals.... and most of it is even legible! I haven't seen it in awhile. At this point in my life, I find it amusing to be soooooo "out of it", yet not amusing enough to want to experiment with drinking again. It's just one of those "laughing at myself" things for being soooooo "Dumb"! So heavily in the clutches of my DENIAL, until one morning the "gig was up" and I found that I couldn't drink any more. I have to tell you, the realization that I'd just had my last drunk, and my last drinks, was distinctly Weird! Did I know that then, or do I just remember it that way now? Amazingly enough, it's still my last drunk, my last drink, some 16 years later. I'd like to keep it that way, one day at a time! So, here I go, time warp back to 1984....
Directly from my journal pages for March 30-31, 1984....
A record of my last drunk on March 30, 1984 and a remembering
of it the next morning....
I must need to re-visit this! Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it......
>>>From Journal Book #13, beginning on page 2,633 -- 3/30/84,
Friday ~~
"Re: Sat. 3/24 reaction to (name)'s intended / or
unintended rejection – conversation included that he'd also said I depended
on him for everything. I said I didn't depend on him to make me feel
good at work. He said he didn't mean THAT. But you said everything,
(name)."
Clarification, please:
(Name) was my then ex-husband: we'd been separated for
a year, then divorced so he could be with an 18-year-old girl from his
school bus route. (He was going to "fix" her, too.) At this
time, I was 34, he was 31. After all that, we were once again living together.
We just weren't done yet....
We had what I later called a mutually self-destructive relationship.... I was an active drunk, he was a drinker, we were both adult children of alcoholic families, I had no clue of my childhood abuse history yet.....
Back to the journal book ~~
I ramble on for the next 3 pages about the deterioration
of our relationship, and my un-met expectations of it & of him.
My handwriting's still legible, and I'm on my favorite "pity pot" of bad
relationships.... I had to be drinking, though I have yet to say so....I
make reference to back problems as well as relationship problems: there's
a reference to a note from 4 days earlier where I say "I'm drunk! And
why not?" And then proceed to blame my partner. [LOL! Yeah, right!]
Later, still 4 days earlier: "I don't want to think about events of
today. I just want to sleep, & allow the events, (name)'s comments,
my comments, to be INTEGRATED.
I also want my back to stop hurting......Thank goodness
I did have the Percodan, pain killer & muscle relaxant, this time.
But the pills make me into a space case, which I don't like. I've
been off the pills this afternoon, & tried alcohol instead...."
>From Journal Book #13, now on page 2,640 --still 3/30/84,
Friday ~~
I had scotch-taped into the book some previous days entries
that were on separate paper.... I had mostly been complaining about relationship...
"Wrote Maine Lung Assoc....." Now, I was writing about quitting smoking, feeling rather virtuous, then sarcastic at (partner)'s lack of support... After 2 pages of smoking, I'm back to complaining about relationship, which I do for another 3 pages, and now I'm looking at another relationship as a potential solution!
Because I can't keep my mouth shut here:
Talk about a one-track mind! Ah, yes, it was the
externals that made my life miserable, that made me drink! Good ole
people, places, and things! What a crock! And I didn't "get" it!
And I STILL have yet to mention that I was DRINKING again!
Back to the journal book ~~
"If nothing else, this past/present school year 1983-84
Sept/June has been quite a learning year for me re: what I need / want
/ can or won't tolerate / can or won't wait for / coping methods...."
Clarification, please:
I was a 7th grade teacher at the time. And if I
had a nickel for each time I used drinking as my primary coping method,
I could retire! I was also in counseling, yet assertiveness training
provides VERY SLOW improvements when accompanied by large & constant doses of alcohol!
>>>From Journal Book #13, now on page 2,643 --still 3/30/84,
Friday ~~
"....So, no matter what the outcome of this year,
I realize tonight that I will NOT have wasted it! WOW!! That
realization makes me feel terrific! WOW!! This makes me smile
even as I write & am alone with my classical music, my Jamison's [Irish
Whiskey], my teddy bear. And Ornery [dog], who's finally left
me alone but must need to go out [to pee] / want my attention.
I am making one irresponsible choice tonight (to drink), one responsible
choice (writing for Freedom From Smoking material -- date to quit yet to
be chosen, my birthday is definitely too far off to suit me), and another
responsible choice (to write my thoughts & feelings, explorations &
realizations, in my journal). Another responsible choice is to drink
responsibly without get shit faced. [My handwriting's getting looser.]
Another responsible choice tonight (earlier) was to quit / not continue
unsatisfactory situation with (name) & go see (friend), a satisfactory
situation. I'm sad that I need a blur / by alcohol but I did
need [in order to] 1) write – or I thought I needed – 2) to accept being
alone when I did not want t be alone but seemed to have no choice &
did not want alone-activity- out-in-the-world-with-people-but-still-alone
(like a movie by myself."
Back to the present for a moment:
My handwriting had gotten larger and loopier, and most
likely, so had I! I'd also found a different color pen with which
to write. Those two little comments about my irresponsible choice to drink
and needing an alcohol blur, well that was IT!
I have journal pages for the last three years of my drinking. Many of those pages went on and on about how I was drinking again, even though I wasn't going to...... Seems the only time I could acknowledge the true extent of my drinking was when I was drunk! This next part gets weird, as in no connection to the previous writing, yet in retrospect, it strikes me as rather interesting.
Back to the journal book ~~
I was off on some kind of very drunk major "aHA!" about
the need to take risks in order to..... well, here's the text itself....
"ANOTHER CONCLUSION – A MAJOR ONE – In order to continue living & being alive & happy, I have GOT to start once again taking RISKS!! (Oh no! – scary, but true.)
"I feel I am once again beginning to regain my control of my life, once again becoming ready to make decisions & choices. I do still have to face MY (not others) definition of realism / fantasy & go after what is real for me.. Or at least relegate fantasy to being fantasy & then go after what is real.
[The next paragraph is non-sequitur about how not
watching TV news helped my stress level!]
"I also find that honesty CAN work FOR me, ie, accept me as I am, NOT think to please others (never works) *I AM ME!* I want to be the best me possible! *Like me for WHO I AM or leave me alone!* REAFFIRMATION of this needed tonight. And message obviously received. It's a feeling something one can't TELL, but can only BE SHOWN & RECOGNIZE AS SUCH, EVEN BY ONESELF, as well as by an intuitive, aware another, IF such is around.
"I CAN BE no one but ME! I can be no one else or I'll be a phony. Not discovery for 1st time, & reaffirmation OK!!
[I had taken yet another break from writing, & had
yet one
more different color pen......]
"I later felt depressed & needed to call SOMEONE WHO CARES that I can reach. So I called (my sister) who does care.... Answer machine not even on... I was told by (sister) that I could call when I needed to. Apparently not. Guess can't realistically expect him to be there when need him ‘at my disposal', at least not on Friday nights."
A moment in the present:
I was just a "tad" self-centered, there, doncha think?
LOL! And yes, I actually referred to my sister as "him"..... The "weird"
part, in hindsight, is that it looks as though my HP was taking over again,
and I thought I WAS the one "in control" LOL!
>>>Re: Journal Book #13, now on page 2,649 -- the morning
after, 3/31/84, Saturday ~~
There's an envelope that says: "IMPORTANT: valuable info
plus rationalizations re: my drinking problem".... Inside the envelope are
several pages written between 3/31/41 to 4/2/84.....
>>>From the envelope 3/31/00, very hung-over ~~
"In some unhealthy / sick way, I think I may be choosing
to / allowing myself to get drunk as the ‘only' successful way of getting
(partner's) undivided attention, and get thru to him that the current situation
/ relationship STILL isn't working, isn't working anymore, isn't working
once again.
"Last night did happen even though we both wish it hadn't, that I hadn't gotten drunk. A lot of info was communicated, by us both, much of it repetitive, most of it will hit dead air space soon & be forgotten by (partner), I feel. *Patterns, key to conversation. Both realized issue of (18-yr-old-from- his-school-bus affair), especially recent phone call, does still bother me a lot. *Pattern of drinking needs to be eliminated by me. *Pattern of unsolicited affection needs to be established by (partner).
"He was more understanding last night than he is today. Says he's not consciously not talking to me, but that doesn't feel accurate to me. It feels like he's shutting me out to punish me for last night. He said he had nothing to say. I said that if he wasn't going to talk to me & didn't have anything to say to me then I could see no purpose to my continuing to stay here. Said I guessed I made one mistake too many, my quota must be all used up. Also that I wasn't the only so-called ‘guilty party' in all of this. No visible / overt reaction to that, didn't even mention wanting me to stay, caring, wanting to work it out......
"I can't go on like last night, or today, we can't. He'd said we seem to end up destroying each other – he can't tolerate my drinking, I can't tolerate his lack of affection......"
Back to the present:
Blah blah blah... it goes on in that vein..... My next
counseling appointment was on April 3, 1984, where after beating around
the bush almost the entire hour, I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic.
My therapist sent me to my first AA meeting, which occurred on Sunday,
April 8, 1984. I count April 8, 1984 as my sobriety date.
It took me a very long time to truly understand that it was ALL really about my drinking, and my relationship was a reflection of my drinking and not the cause of!
Recently I was asked about a term I'd used and what it was all about..... The term is "euphoric recall".
When I'm stuck for clear definitions, I head for my favorite library-size resource, just to be sure I'm on the right track, and my good ole Random House Dictionary says: Euphoria = from Psychology; a feeling of well-being, especially an exaggerated one, having no basis in truth or reality....
Euphoric Recall, then, remembers what was as being far better than it really was.... Remembers that I was a social drinker when I was not.... Remembers that I was ever so much prettier, thinner, more eloquent, more sexy, more charming, more assertive, the life of the party, when I was really a blubbering drunk wallowing in self pity in the corner at a party and my then-husband was humiliated by my behavior yet one more time... Well, I would have been humiliated, too, yet I was in a black-out and so God only knows what really went on as I don't remember. My alcoholism would like that euphoric "pretty" kind of remembering so it can resume power over my life..... My higher power and AA tell me to think the drink through to the reality of where alcohol truly took me: isolated, lonely, angry, blaming, incoherent, oblivious, slurring & wobbly, loud, puking in public as well as private, crying, obnoxious, driving drunk in black-outs, raging, etc...... ever so "charming" to be around, for sure......
I've lived with this phrase for so long now.... I must have gotten it from my first therapist, from my first sponsor, from early AA meetings..... maybe all of the above? They were all in Maine, as was I at the time....
Euphoric Recall wants me to drink.....
No thanks..... I'll take sobriety.
