The pan carries on and catches up with a bridegroom carrying his bride across a field and finally arriving in a high street w here, breathless and panting, he carries her trough traffic and into a large department store. finally cut to the furniture department of the store. The bridegroom and bride enter, he puts her down and addresses one of the assistants.

Groom (Terry J): We want to buy a bed, please.
Lambert (Graham): Oh, certainly. I'll, I'll get someone to attend you. (calling off) Mr Verity!
Verity (Eric): Can I help you sir?
Groom: Er yes. We'd like to buy a bed ... a double bed ... about fifty pounds?
Verity: Oh no, I am afraid not sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Groom: Eight hundred pounds!
Lambert: Oh, er, perhaps I should have explained. Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate, so every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly, ha, ha, ha. Groom: Oh I see, I see. (to Verity) So your cheapest bed is eighty pounds?
Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes sir.
Groom: And how wide is it?
Verity: Er, the width is, er, sixty feet wide.
Groom: Oh ... (laughing politely he mutters to wife) six foot wide, eh. And the length?
Verity: The length is ... er ... (calls off) Lambert! What is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?
Lambert: Er, two foot long.
Groom: Two foot long?
Verity: Ah yes, you have to, ah, remember of course, to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. Er, it's nothing ha can help, you understand. Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
Groom: I see, I'm sorry.
Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide it is, in fact, sixty feet wide.
Groom: Oh, yes I see ...
Verity: And that's not counting the mattress.
Groom: Oh, how much is that?
Verity: Er, Lambert will be able to help you there. (calls) Lambert! Will you show these twenty good people the , er, dog kennel please?
Lambert: Mm? Certainly.
Groom: Dog kennel? No, no, no, mattresses, mattresses.
Verity: Oh no, no you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right.
Groom: Ah, hum, er we'd like to see the dog kennels please.
Lambert: Dog kennels?
Groom: Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.
Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets department. Second floor.
Groom: Oh no, no, we want to see the dog kennels .
Lambert: Yes, pets department second floor.
Groom: No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels only your colleague said we ought to ...
Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Groom: Well he said we should say dog kennels to you, instead of mattress.

Lambert puts a bag over head.

Groom: (looking round) Oh dear, hello?
Verity: Did you say mattress?
Groom: Well, a little yes.
Verity: I did ask you not to say mattress didn't I. Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. (he gets in the tea chest and sings.) 'And did those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green ...'

The manager enters

Manager (John): Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert!

Manager and Verity continue to sing. Lambert takes bag off head, manager exits after pointing a warning finger at bride and groom.

Verity: (getting out of chest) He should be all right now but don't, you know ... just don't . (exits)
Groom: Oh, no, no, no, er we'd like to see, see the dog kennels, please.
Lambert: Yes, second floor.
Groom: No, no look these (pointing) dog kennels here, see?
Lambert: Mattresses?
Groom: Oh (jumps) ... yes.
Lambert: Well, if you meant mattress, why didn't you say a mattress. I mean it's very confusing for me, if you go and say dog kennels, when you mean mattress. Why not just say mattress?
Groom: Well, I mean you put a bag over your head last time I said mattress.

Bag goes on. Groom looks around guiltily. Verity walks in. Verity heaves a sigh, jumps in box. Manager comes in and joins him, they sing 'And did those feet ...' Another assistant comes in.

Assistant (Michael): Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Verity: Twice.
Assistant: Hey, everybody, somebody said mattress to Mr Lambert, twice!

Assistant, groom and bride join in the therapy.

Verity: It's not working. We need more.

Cut to crowd in St Peter's Square singing 'Jerusalem'.
Cut to department store. Lambert takes the bag off his head and looks at groom and bride.

Lambert: Now, er, can I help you?
Bride (Carol): We want a mattress.

Lambert immediately puts bag back on head.

All: Oh. What did you say that for? What did you say that for?
Bride: (weeping) Well, it's my only line.
All: Well, you didn't have to say it.

They all hop off. She howls.