Holiday Message for 2000

This time of year usually opens up my soul a little more. It all starts with my birthday, when I really want to bring together the important people in my life. Then it carries through the rest of the month, to Christmas and into New Years. It's difficult expressing the profound feelings I have for all the people who touch my life...living in a culture that wants us to homogenize our feelings and express that with material goods. But I try to do something extraordinary. I work hard at it. But somehow, expressing myself from my own depths never seems like quite enough. And why should it come out mostly at just one time during the year. I read people like Rumi and Eastern religious figures, and I am awed at the discipline they have gained over time to practice loving, to make it their lives, to live it everyday. Is there such a place within myself where I can love my anger--to understand it, rather than run from it--just as I would love the warmth of a blanket or a perfect cup of tea? Everyday is an excercise, a practice of approaching people genuinely and warmly, without presupposition, an agenda, or pretense. And I guess I should take my own advice...this is not a destination; it is learning new things each day, through each new experience. But, to get back to my original thought, people truly impact us deeply, and I hope I have done enough to express that in my holiday greetings.

You all know me to be a rather stoic person on the outside, but with deep emotional rivers running through my insides. It's only natural that I would be commenting on what we've all seen unfold.

Yesterday, after leaving work early in order to cope with the tragedy in the only way I knew how, I sat down at home and thought about what I could possibly do to help a world that seemed so out of control. I thought for hours until the answer came to me. I sat down at the piano and just started playing--playing whatever came out--a song for the dead, for the survivors, for all of us grieving. It was my way of clearing out the musty smell of hate in the air. I didn't feel quite so helpless anymore.

And I thought some more. I know we all have a lot of anger, disbelief, helplessness sitting inside of us. It's all very understandable. I wanted to urge you to honor those feelings, but use them as a power source to love those around you. The best way to overcome the hate in the air is to resist it in our own, most positive way. So, outdo your negative feelings by loving someone, anyone around you as much as you can. A parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, a grandparent...someone...a group of people. I think that is our only way of making it through all this insanity.

Thank you all for being friends. In the end, that's all that matters.

Take care of yourselves and of someone else,

My e-mail after the Columbine tragedy

Dear all:

I thought this would now be the time to seriously reflect on the week's terrible events and to report to all of you how exactly I have seen things unfold here in the heart of it all.

I must admit that my first instinct after I learned of the shootings was one of disbelief and fear. I thought about leaving this place as quickly as possible. How could I live where this happened? But, the following days changed my mind. I have been overwhelmed by the support of Coloradans and the desire for true "community." This is something that is often hard to accomplish with such a large city, and it is a shame that it takes an event such as this to bring out the best in people, but there are some wonderful things happening. On Wednesday, a man came into Starbucks and dared to take the conversation out of the typical "customer/employee" realm. He looked me in the eyes and asked how I was coping. I said that I was doing okay, although I had a terrible time trying to get to sleep on Tuesday. He said that he was a youth coach/worker at Chatfield HS--not far from Columbine. Many of the kids he works with know students from Columbine. I had never met this man before, but he shook my hand for just a moment longer than "cordial," looked at me again and said, "take care of yourself and good luck in dealing with it all."

My only fear now is that finger pointing and "witch hunting" will take over. This problem is deeper than our minds are capable of understanding at this point in history. For the time being, I believe that we should regard it as terrorism--not blind parents, nor ignorant schools, nor bloody video games, nor "suggestive" music (which I cannot believe they are using as an excuse). Push anyone enough and they will fight back. That is why I ask everyone to be careful with other people's limits; respect that for their well-being and for yours.

Please watch out for each other just a little bit more.
Take care,

Tad