Dear Siren:
My boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm so sad I just want to die. I mean I'll miss him  that much!  I won't miss the sex, cuz there wasn't any...and he did make me pay for everything even though he has a job and I don't (my unemployment pays better than his two bit job anyhow)(and I'm not talking Unemployment here, like with benefits, like in money, but unemployment, like don't have a job).

And he kinda liked to call me names which the like of which I cannot repeat here in a family newspaper but believe me they were icky and he thought he was being cute and clever. And he kicked my dog once. Oh! and there was that time in the bar where he told his buddies that my idea of "blackened chicken" was to leave it in the oven too long, when he knows I make the best bleepin' blackened chicken this side of Louisiana.....

Hey. I don't need him. He drained my life! I'm going out to get a job and the hell with him!

Thanks, Siren! Bye!

Signed,
Fixed-It

Dear Fixed: Glad I could help!

Our next installment comes from ... hmm ... I don't see a return address here, just a lot of numbers. Well, read it and weep!
 

Dear Siren:
My roommate is driving me crazy! It's not bad enough that he snores so loud I can hear him from my bed, or that he steals my food and my smokes without so much as a please or a thank you, or that he just refuses to get anything productive accomplished during his days, apart from a little walk around the yard and a whole lot of TV--- I mean those things are hard to live with, but the worst! is that he sleepwalks. Yes! Sleepwalks! And when he's sleepwalking, he comes over to my bed and...well.. he, um, well, he does stuff to my butt that bothers me. If he'd just ask I might say yes (cuz it does feel kinda good), but he doesn't even ask. I'm beginning to wonder if he's really asleep, ya know?

I'd confront him on it, and tell him to just ask for it, but he's in here for something really brutal, and I don't want to make a fuss.

Signed,
Prisoner of Love
 
Oh, and P.S. --is there any way to change this font? I feel kinda sissy using this one.

Dear Prisoner:
No, you can't, and I don't think it's the font.

I'm proud to be counted among these twisted people! Thank you, SirenSinger!