27.10 Gosh, I've felt like crap! Sinful, guilty, bad. Where does the worthlessness start? The truth is, always, that if I don't love myself, it doesn't matter who loves me, I won't feel it. This is such a big cliché, yet the emotional experience behind the words is very real. How do I love myself, how is it done? What is the mechanism of something that should come naturally, just be there? Sometimes this megasuck phenomenon just happens and in a huge sluuuuuuurch life is suddenly devoid of color. But then again, purpose is so strong in me, that it's more and more seldom that I get lost. I came to school today. I feel enveloped in the warm lap of Art (can you do that as an artist, write art with a capital A. One artist said that loving the products of your work is like a dog loving its own shit. I so disagree with that. So Art it is.) To be here in school feels good and right. I feel sad that I can't be here more. But art right now is my place of solace and sanctity, not an everyday commodity. It won't be like this always. I envision a time coming where art will be my rice and sauce. That's a huge lesson for me. Before enlightment you chop wood and carry water. After enlightment you do the exactly same thing. Does it ever get easier? Nope. But it gets more nuanced, differentiated, more colorful. Easy's found on some other planet.